2021

     It's been a while since I posted here. A lot has happened, to say the least. To be honest, there's very little reason as to why I'm typing right now. I'm in the last year of med-school, I have a shit-ton of requirements to fulfill, yet I'm here. Ever since I stopped writing here I had a compulsion to actually post something, but with combined laziness, and the fear that every time I type something it gets immortalized, I stop myself from typing. Right now is no different, but I feel like I just had to. Right now. Or else I'll never do it in my life time, ever. So here we go.

    Where to start? Med-school was a slog to go through. Definitely if I could go back through time, I'd just choose to be in a happier place than this, no offense to the wonderful people I've met throughout the 4 years, but med-school just placed me in an eternal "this sucks" situation. But, even when placed in the crappiest hell-holes, humans adapt anyways. No matter how shitty the experience, there's always gonna be little spots of happiness and learning when you take a look back. Even if I adapted very poorly to this new living situation, especially with the pandemic and all that, I'm still alive. Since I'm already this far, then might as well just keep on going. Even if I graduated knowing absolutely nothing about what to do in my job, fuck it, I graduated, the rest can come afterwards. That's probably a bad idea, but hey, if I made it this far with that, then we can probably get away with anything.

    Another thing I wanted to talk about was dreams. Not the figurative dreams for the future, I'm talking about literal dreams. For the longest time I haven't been dreaming at night. When I sleep it's 1 second of darkness, and I'm awake again. But recently I've started dreaming the most random shit, which of course I immediately forget once I'm awake. The random shit is just your typical dreams being incoherent and hazy. I've been trying to find meaning in why they're becoming more vivid lately, but I got zilch. Maybe I'm in a better place mentally, but to be perfectly honest with you, I feel like I really haven't gone anywhere mentally. I still feel like a high school graduate, like I never moved on and the best years of my life had just ended and whatever follows will never amount to the joy I experienced on those years with my friends, and I'll never be able to experience them ever again. I really don't know how that ties in with my dreams reappearing in my sleep, but I feel like it's significant to put them here in a paragraph together. 

    A topic I also want to revisit is change. In the past I always thought that change is inevitable, but that's only if you allow it. I've changed plenty, I know that, but there's something in my nature that doesn't change. I can't pinpoint if it's my loneliness, desire for companionship, or laziness, but those things have been with me regardless if  I want them to or not. Even if I learn and experience different things that life has to offer, they're always there with me no matter what. Now that I think about it I'm kind of intrigued to know why that is. Or maybe they're just that much more prominent with the pandemic in place.

    Regarding change, I feel like people are much more different in my age range compared to before. Nowadays, with the advent of social media, it feels like people are much more distant in a figurative sense. You'll never get to see others express their own real feelings. It's always just narcissistic pictures, gloating of possessions and keepsakes, or showing achievements of others, which sure, that's always been the case, but even before the pandemic, people never really connect even when they're face-to-face. They only do so when it's required that you spend time with 8 or so other people, but even then you can just choose not to have that discourse and learn nothing about each other, save the tip of the iceberg and the face value. I feel like new deep and meaningful connections are so hard to find these days and it makes me sad. Maybe I'm just a boomer wall flower all the time, but over the years, I find myself being more open to what people really have to say, and maybe talk about those things, but they never happen in reality. I'm not sure if that's exclusive to rough high pressure environments like med or law school, but either way, it's sad to see people not talking about themselves to others. I just feels like everyone's trapped in a shell they made for themselves. Because maybe it's safer that way, and there are more nagging issues at hand, or maybe I should just treasure the people I have now and improve on the quality of time we spend, but I digress.

    That's pretty much all I have in my chest for now. This really is kind of therapeutic. It clears the mind in a way. Maybe I'll come back in a while to spill grievances about reality, which is really the only reason why I post here anyways. Which is kind of sad since that also means I've never really posted anything concerning happy events or the like. I guess that's just par for the course. 

A Letter to 10-year-ago Self

Hey buddy. By now you're probably not having the time of your life. I know. Because I've been there. And let me tell you that you should be having the time of your life, not because I said so, but because if any of the old sayings were right, the only accurate one about life is "It's only going to get harder from here on out". So before I even start to warn you of future mishaps and disappointments, let me at least disappoint you now since retaining any form of childlike wonder for absolutely any realistic expectations is just a burden you'll have to let go as soon as you possibly can, because even thought we're probably not clinically depressed, we're at least nihilistic, or at least we pretend to be. 

OK so let's start about the career path, because obviously this is the one choice that directly affects every other probability of any factor in your life, which includes enjoyment, peers, love life, what your family views you as, your own self value, all that jazz. Remember when we thought that "Man they pegged me as a lawyer when I was young, which is great, but I don't think I'm cut out for that. So maybe... Doctor? Yeah it's just science and not memorizing shit right?" FUCKING. WRONG. Well, the rationalization about not memorizing shit is up to debate (Just understand the concepts, hurr durr), but what's incredibly inaccurate about that thought is how comfortable we were with a career that is literally a vocational job where "You gotta be sure about this or else you're not gonna have a good time, despite the money it promises." I know we were jaded about the idea that a job where we can help people and get a comfortable amount of money AND have other people think you're great would be something too good to be true. And it is. We thought this would cure something in us that just felt wrong. Like the your low-key, now my high-key laziness that has been overpowering me these past couple of years. We should've just actually followed that laziness to the end and went for an enjoyable and wholesome career path, but no. I think that even as I right this I can't sway you from the path we chose. Because it felt right, and god damn it still kind of does. But, let me tell you, every day the tiniest piece of me dies. I wish everyday I was in your shoes just not to be here. And I know everyone says that the pay off is incredible in the end (and yes, that's what you're probably still thinking as you hypothetically read this. AND it's the main reason why you probably won't be persuaded by your future self) BUT I miss you and who I was before this dumb, competitive, pretty bull shit career path. It's that bad. Remember that our main argument was "We're pretty above average in intelligence we can probably handle this" and "We probably can't fail anything, not that we're bragging, but we can probably do this". Let me just say that, yeah I guess that's both true to some extent,  but also fuck that, because you know what else we didn't consider? OUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. We have this mild inferiority complex, and that we're already stressed enough about moving back to the Philippines after finally getting comfortable in Brazil (AND I need you to stop thinking that the Philippines is so much better than Brazil. It's really not. If we could take our family to Brazil and live there peacefully, I would do it). Those stressors we have are minor at where/when you're at, but man, does it get heavier over time. We never really learn anything that removes our own insecurities, at least I sure as hell didn't. It doesn't matter which counselor, psychiatrist, or doctor it will be that says that things get better and you will overcome your weaknesses and fears as you grow older. You don't. I don't. And it eats me up inside because I was waiting for a grand revelation that I'm a shit lord and I should do better. And it never comes and we both know that we can't convince ourselves to improve for shit, so I'm sorry, pal. We're kind of fucked in that department. Plus, shitty career path. We should've just went IT or just went to Ateneo, UST, or even studied a little more for UP. You probably don't know what those are but let me warn you that our mother will insist in a college very near to our house, because you know how she gets and you know how you just let her decide for you. If she ever decides on something as big as which college to pick, I beg you to take the reins and decide for yourself. Because, if you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm emotionally and psychologically miserable right now. So please. Don't make the same mistake. Just be mentally present for this one choice in our life. 

Well, I did mention that career path will affect everything, so before I break it down for you, and I mean that negatively, here are the things that I actually am grateful for. First off, you might think that you have the worst family yet. Well you're wrong. They're not the best, but they're all you have, and by all means, that's the best you'll get. Right now, they're the one of the things that actually keep me going, believe me or not. I know we've been dissing the rebellious phase of adolescence, but trust me it happens to even us. I know, right? It's pathetic, and I regret the things I've said, and what you'll say in the probably future. We're not suicidal, by any means, but if we will never come close because of our family. I'm as shocked as you if you're reading this, and probably going to wonder who the hell coaxed me into saying this cheesy shit, but if it's one thing the movies and cartoons get right, it's family. They'll be there when you really REALLY need them. Just trust me on that one. Oh and uh... Peers. Friends and colleagues. I think no matter what we do, we're bound to meet great people. People that support us or inspire us are there. Don't think about that "real friends" bullshit so much. Just be glad to meet people at all. ALSO, and this may come to you as a surprise, but we're not really that introverted. We just had to meet the right people. I'd say from our 80% introverted-ness, we're probably only around 55%. I know. Shocking. But yeah, the people I know right now are great. As for love life, HELL YEAH BRO. Well it's not what we we're dreaming of ever having. It's not better, but it's just different. It makes you happy in different ways. The movies and cartoons and shows are all bullshit in this regard. It's different for everyone, and that includes us. We're blessed to have met her, and yes it's a her. But to be perfectly honest, if I could be in your shoes now, I would cherish everything the single life had to offer, because I never did capitalize on that after learning that we're not really wallflowers or fully introverted shy-shits. I'm not saying I regret being in a relationship, but I regret the things I could've done when I didn't have a fully committed one, and no I'm not implying cheating or dating multiple women or anything of the sort. I'm talking about appreciating myself more, and what truly makes us happy, genuinely, without the need of romantic affection. Something we genuinely love just by ourselves. I'm sorry, I've never found it, and I probably will have a hard time even finding it now.  But that's my regret that I can never get over if it still hasn't been resolved on my death bed. And another thing: No matter how ready you think we are for any kind of commitment, we're really not. Let's face it, we just really want someone to give our affection to without rejection being thrown back. And maybe it was the environment we were in for the longest time, but getting someone to pour all that unrequited feelings towards isn't the solution. We're not ready to be mature enough for all of this shit, even if we thought highly of ourselves like "I'll be a gentleman" or be a "perfect boyfriend". I'm not. You're probably not either. And yes I am downplaying our ability to be decent partners, because even we can't get that right. The Dunning-Kruger Effect got us buddy. Look it up. We fucked up. I'm sorry to my current girlfriend that I cannot deliver what I thought I could always deliver, and I'm sorry that I'm such a mess. To me, in the past, just don't strive for anyone. No matter who it is, and no matter how appealing the thought of being with someone is. Don't do it. Please just focus on finding what makes us truly happy without the need of someone else. Without the need of companionship that was deprived of us in an emotional and psychological level that we desperately and blindly sought. Focus on finding we can enjoy just by ourselves. Something that will instill actual, non-social media bullshitted self-love. Please, don't chase anyone out of love or, even worse, infatuation. Let's learn to be happy first. Do it for me. For us. 

As we speak, I need to study for exams and make 2 more papers. Yeah, medicine is a shitty path. If I chose any other path, I could be working anywhere else right now. I'm so tired. You'll eventually feel this too if you don't change your mind. I know you have that drive to maybe, one day, unrealistically change the world. I still do, thought it's smaller now, and without the shades of childhood innocence, it's unrealistic to wish for something like that. I apologize again, that I became such a jaded adult. Something we both promised we'd never become. I've lost something we valued so much in our younger selves: Enthusiasm. I've never got it back after going through college. High school will forever be the highlight of my life, and that's a sad thought, because it ever got better after that. At least you have that to look up to. But after that there really isn't much if you follow my foot steps. I'm sorry, pal. I really am. I'm as disappointed as you. I never got to really uphold what we valued the most, because I got lost in the moment and I never paused for myself. I've processed like meat in a factory and stuffed in a can. Whatever ideals I ever upheld are now gone and deemed irrelevant in the face of deadlines, grades, schedules, expectations, and societal pressure. I really am pouring my heart out for a letter that nobody else will really read but me in the future. 

Man,  that's depressing. I'm going to take a nap now before I review lessons and do papers. If you ever, by some miracle, read this, young me, just know that I didn't even have a chance to try, and that any path you take is probably going to be difficult anyway. So just choose happiness. Don't try to please anyone's expectations. Let's just look out for what we really want. Don't follow me, because I'm miserable as shit right now. Be more active in the choices that involve you and your future. Please. Lastly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can never be a version of you that is actually happy with being a doctor. I'm sorry I lost all hope, all wonder, and all motivation. I'm sorry I'm writing a letter like this to you. And I'm sorry we never got to find out what truly makes us unconditionally happy without relying on our friends and relationships. I'm sorry. And good luck to you.

TFW there isn't really any title good enough to put here so you just go with what you're thinking at the moment

   So I've been meaning to write for the longest time now but I keep putting it off for later (to the nth power) so I didn't update on anything for such a long stretch of time. I guess I took my own saying too seriously, which was "once you write about it, you immortalize it and leave it behind, so I'm NOT gonna do that." But ever since then it's more like I've been holding in more things than I should have. I'm not that stressed about it -- because 1st year Med is already enough to think about -- but let's just say I miss the feeling of catharsis through writing.

   So why write now, right? Well this is my only 2 month summer vacation and my only decent vacation from med school, and of course there's a lot of things I want to put into words before I face the incoming year of medschool; although I'm not confident I can actually articulate it so that it's fully understood because I pretty much write like a high schooler right now. But hey, I'll try.

   Okay before I drop my whole spiel here, some disclaimers: If you take anything I'm about to say at face value, I'm going to look like some asshole with a superiority complex or something, and I'm not, but I assure you I'm going to look like one, but for all intents and purposes I'm just sort of soul-bearing here. And even if it no one can relate to what it feels like, I'm still gonna do it. It's going to seem like I'm rambling, and most of the time I am, and I apologize in advance.

   I actually have no idea how to start this paragraph so let's go with this. Right now I feel no sense of accomplishment in getting through first year of med school. There I said it. I don't mean to say it in a bragging manner, it's more in a disappointing tone, really. I feel like medicine probably won't make me happy, and it isn't even immediately financially rewarding, and it takes 7+ years of your life. They weren't kidding when they said it was more of a calling or a vocation than an actual paying profession, in which I proceeded to blankly stare at my decision in going to med school based on "It's gonna pay really well, you'll be swimming in money". Well yeah I'll be swimming in money, in my 40's, and by that time there'd be no time to spend it and your life will revolve around saving patients 24/7, which is pretty noble, but for a guy like me, that plays video games and has trouble enjoying something for a prolonged period of time, it's pretty disheartening to realize something that I was lead to believe that was fun and noble (and lucrative) could be as dreary as going through high school with a difficulty level ranging from "you'll probably pass" to "absolute hell". I'm not shitting on med school or med students, just so we're clear. It's just the scales, to me, are tipped in a direction that is right in the sweet spot of "This is gonna help me help the world" and "Holy shit I have get the hell out of here", which stresses me out so much because they literally warned my batch that "If you don't like this job, then quit as soon as you can". Anyways, medicine definitely is one of the most respectable and under appreciated professions our there, especially in this country, which is a nice point, but if you take med school and try to mash it with my current habits and overall attitude with education, which is pretty moody making it really bad for med school, then I probably won't make it past 4th year without sacrificing things I love. I mean I could half-ass all of this and get half-assed passing marks, but what kind of doctor would I be if I did everything half-assed? I'd probably give up gaming, which would effectively kill me. Either way, even if I wanted to quit and do things I love, I have a moral obligation to fulfill, which is my parents and siblings not suffering from a heart attack when I say "I don't want to be a doctor anymore". And hey I'm already in it, so why not, I guess. Good lord, I'm already half-assing it. Well technically I'm on a break so...

   Well I digress on my feelings, because now I just got more conflicted than ever before. To be honest, I forgot how to end these things, and I certainly have no clue as to how this little rant-ramble can end on a positive note. I'm kind of fucked haha. But if there's a silver lining to any of this, at least you're all with me on this journey. In spirit, at least. Or physically, if you actually stalked my social media accounts and found yourself into this diary bullshit.

   Oh yeah, I'll probably write on other blogs more frequently for some  w o k e  shit. Alright, bye.

Is

   So having feelings in check really helps in making these. I know what I'm feeling now, but that doesn't mean it isn't a clusterfuck. Regardless, after around 5-ish years of complaining about being a stagnant person, I actually noticed that I've changed, in some aspects that are too shallow to make a significant impact in my cognition, but deep enough to change my perspective of the world. For instance, it isn't awkward as hell to talk to anyone anymore, which is, I guess, mandatory in my future undertakings. Buuuut I'm still lazy as fuck, yet I think that's about to change soon enough. I'm still have this hastiness of a rookie when it comes to any problem big or small, but I have enough experience to predict an outcome coming from other people's decisions (Basically if I'm not doing it, it's probably going to succeed). It's those little changes you never really notice until you take a look at yourself. It's those changes that came along with a decision that probably started with the phrase of "why the hell not" or "I guess it's okay for now". It's an undervalued or unnoticed yet important decision that change you. It's the small first step. It always is.

    On a side note, in 2 weeks I'll be taking the next step in my life, which is med school. I'm excited because I'll get to learn the things I've always wanted to learn, but at the same time, I've always needed to have a mental metaphor of what my next 4 years will be as a medical student. From a cave where even the greatest adventurers fail to succeed at to a pressure cooker where only the tenacious survive, ides kept filling my head so that I knew what kind of emotional burden would sucker-punch my already-violated comfort zone. I guess I also realized, as I was coming up with metaphors that would make me smirk in its irony, that it didn't really matter, as long as I got through it. If I get through it. I know I could get through it, but there's always the "what if I don't". Not because I can't, but because... I can. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure I'll be happy with being a doctor. Recent sayings have been "If you do it for the money, it isn't for you" and now I'm anxious because I have been doing this for the money, for a stable life, if you wanna sugar-coat it. I feel like I've been scammed, because yes MAYBE I'll be rich when all is said and done, but will it be fulfilling for someone like me? The interests  I have in life do not coincide with my chosen profession, so I feel like feeling nervous is completely justified. The only qualms I have is if in my dying breath I'll be able to pull off a genuine smile, that says that I've achieved something, and I'm happy with it. I will surmount the challenges ahead, I can assure that, but will I be happy with it?

    In any case, there's one last thing I've noticed that may be important. I noticed that life is slowly going faster, and not just because I'm getting older, and maybe it's just my brain filtering out the tedious parts of the days gone by, but it really feels like everything is... fleeting. It's the kind of speed that my dad drives in a relatively wide road that makes you hold on to your seat but still manage to break a smile. A very exciting ride that might get you killed, or at least a speeding ticket in the best case scenario. Either way, it's going to be difficult to stop now, so you might as well make the best of the ride.

 

   This is apparently my second post of the year. Times have changed. Or I just got more lazy. Meh.

   I'm finally in medschool, and I'm a little excited, scared, and bored. But at the same time I feel nothing. I guess this is part of growing up, because the feelings of disappointment comes often, though disappointment isn't really the right word for it and disappointment is a strong word for that feeling. It's something like depression but without the crushing pain in the chest or something like optimism dumped with a ton of boredom. To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this, and I think this might be the last blog I write. I honestly had so many ideas for new blogs and new posts but they just remain as ideas. I've lost the creative drive to do anything and I'm not really sure why. I have everything I wanted right now, but I feel empty. I'm not really sure what's missing, but I don't think it's faith or anything of the sort. I guess maybe it's because I don't dream anymore, literally or figuratively. Maybe I've convinced myself that I've sen everything and now I'm in this rut, or maybe I'm just disappointed in myself that there's no more room for any sort of improvement and now I'm just going through the motions without learning anything new, and there's nothing I can do because I don't want to do anything and right now there isn't a need to do anything. Or maybe I'm just reaaallllyyy bored right now and need something fresh.

   Oh well

Sisyphus

   Hi. I'm just checking in for a sec. Then I'm out. Real busy nowadays, and this is possibly the only post I can make for the rest of the school year. Don't worry, I'm probably fine, and I'm (probably) not writing to vent out. I kind of miss this, but I guess there's the element of stress involved, but I'll get over it. We all do. Before I leave and prepare for an onslaught of events and deadlines and quizzes and activities, let me indulge in slapping you with my unused eloquent vocabulary.

  I've been learning to get back up on my feet real quick nowadays. After barely passing exams on the preliminaries, I can literally pep-talk myself into hopefully doing better next time. I guess I'm going to need this quirk for med school, because if pre-med is this frustrating, I cannot wait for what med-school has in store for me. FCKNG BRING IT ON MF'ER. But aside from that, I kind of miss writing. It leaves a nice aftertaste to your emotions after writing something out of any kind of emotion. Be it writing born out of rage, love, happiness, stress, boredom, random epiphanies, awesome quotable line that you can caption on instagram images, or just complete BS. Writing is great. It's like imparting a piece of you to the world. And I kind of regret that I forget tons of awesome lines to type and post, but I digress. If you've already googled the title, or know what it means, then let's go there. Yes, I'm going to talk about problems, but surprisingly, not mine. Well not just mine. Every one's problems. And I guess we all have a rock to roll up for all eternity, be it figuratively and hopefully not literally. It just manifests itself into different forms, but no we're not gonna go into what forms your metaphorical rock takes shape in your own life ('cause if you dig deep enough I've already, more than likely, talked about it), but we're gonna talk about the feeling you get when you see someone rolling up a shittier, bigger rock than yours.

  I don't focus on this topic that much, because, to be honest, when I do, I'll sound preachy, hypocritical, or just out-right pretentious. It's hope. And I hope I don't disappoint with this one (OH GOD).

  Let's go back to Sisyphus. In a way we're all cursed with rolling our stones only to find that the next one we roll up is the exact same thing. Just like how college algebra can suddenly go to differential calculus, your basic problems could become even more complex as you go through it. Sometimes you find a solution, which at the time seems like a better way to cope up with the hardships, but in the long run, you're just gonna encounter another set of problems which may or may not be harder to deal with, but hey, it's still a problem. We all know you can't get rid of the weight you carry on your shoulders, but if it got any lighter at some point, then you have to consider two things: You either got stronger than you were, or you've somehow managed to unload some of the problems at the expense of making it harder for someone else. Check yourself.
 
   Regardless of what it might be, remember that you're not alone. We're all suffering. With that in mind, it gets harder to honestly complain about your own problems, at least for me, because the only problems you're complaining about are yours. But hey I complain a lot about mine, but I try to just whine a lot about it to forget about more quickly, but anyways. The only rock you're pushing up a hill is your own, so you're not entitled to degrade anyone's suffering or make your own suffering a big deal. So basically mind your own business and don't be a cunt. We all have our demons, so don't criticize someone just because yours are harder to conquer or if they fail to beat theirs. We could all be little pieces of sht sometimes, but don't be that kind of sht. We may all be bad, but we try not to be the worst.

  That was all depressing, but hey, this is the preachy part. Now, how about the other way around? Let's say you're one of the few who managed to preserve your speck of hope for humanity, and tried to help out someone in a tighter spot. And the goodness inside you compels you to help. There's nothing wrong about that. And it's perfectly fine. We're a social species. Progress is built on cooperation. But don't lose yourself in others. I'm not advocating selfishness, but I'm reminding you that self-preservation is important. You can't just abandon your own problems to completely invest your efforts in someone else's dilemmas. There are exemptions, of course, but those are off the table for obvious reasons. Like child birth. Or life and death situations. Or pizza. Bottom line: it's always great to offer a helping hand and actually alleviate personal conundrums that other people have on their plate, but be aware that you can also help yourself, and sometimes, that's the best help you could have.

  I have to admit, I'm not used to writing coherent sentences and paragraphs anymore. But whatever.

  Be back in a while

   Okay so this one doesn't have a title, because I'm seriously running out of titles, but whatever.

   So I am back, after 3 months of the hectic pre-medschool 1st semester. It's still on-going though, so I doubt this is going to be a normal thing, since I'll be going back to being busy the moment I wake up. It just sucks that I lose the ideas and topics that I come up with in the middle of a commute, or the zingers and subjects I want to write about just disappear into the void. So here I am. It's been a while. 

   I honestly don't know what to write right now, since I just forgot the topic, but I guess let's start with "what the hell happened?". Honestly? Not that much. I guess writing about every high and every low in your life isn't really the absolute best thing to do when you're on the said high or low. I guess immortalizing the experience into a form of literature isn't always the best course of action because in a way, you set it aside as something you wrote. Like how people nowadays share horrible experiences in social media, writing about a good or bad experience reverts you back to your "null" state. You share your troubles because, yes, it alleviates the burden of your woes, which brings you back to your normal, not-that-sad-but-still-kinda-sad state. At the same time, when you share a good thing, it becomes great. You share the happiness with everyone, but I guess, let's make some sh*t up here, there's some sort of "Law of Conservation of Happiness" (if this exists, holy crap) that happens. You get to share your happiness, which is nice, but at the cost of your own magnitude of happiness. I mean, at the start, it'll be super great that you're happy, you're friends are happy that you're happy, then that cycles on and on... Until, after a long while, you're not that happy. Still happy, but not overjoyed. Just right, but less than before. I guess you could just simply interpret that as "emotions are fleeting", but I think there's a deeper dynamic between personal joy and the joy of a group of people. Mind you, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to share your experiences, it's just that these experiences, regardless if it's a good or bad one, builds your own character. It adds to your story, makes and breaks it. It makes it more meaningful, but the catch is it becomes even more influential to you if you keep it to yourself. When dealing with a personal problem alone, introspection allows you to grow. Self-analysis is increased as you delve into the silence of your own mind. It increases your independence through isolation on a mental level. And that's why, more or less, why I don't write as much, but mostly it's school. 

   I did lie a bit, I do share a lot of my feelings to a person, which is usually my girlfriend. Not ALL the time, but most of the time, and it's only the little things to "medium" things. But if I'm right about that Law of Conservation BS, then that would mean I'd retain more of the joyous feelings than if I opted to tell a lot of people about it. I guess the main reasons why I don't really tell it to other people are laziness, the probable waste of time it would be to rant about it, the fact that in the end problems will go away, and the fact that everyone else is either busy with something else, and that everyone else has their own problems. In retrospect, those are also the reasons why I even started to blog, but I digress. Anyways...

   Despite all of what's happened, which is mostly good, for a change, I'm not entirely sure I have all the pieces of the puzzle to come up with a proper picture of what life entails. I'm pretty sure that everyone has their own questions and own answers. They may feel the same, but there are always nuances between the problems of two people. Through that, the first step of understanding people may be the acceptance that one will never be able to fully understand one another. Kind of ironic isn't it? But throughout the days I spent just floating around and surviving the daily grind, I've noticed that in the grander scheme of things, everything matters, but at the same time, it really doesn't. I have no idea how to properly put that into the right words that would be understandable by the general public. Not yet. But for now, it's back to the drawing board for me. 

   Pro-tip: Don't get TOO comfortable with how things are. Shake things up a bit. If you get used to quiet, then don't expect a good time when things get loud. *hyper-hipocrite*