Back to the "Normal"

  What's up? It's been another long while. Summer is almost over here in PH. That sucks. This sucks. I've been imagining my last year as a high schooler and how my entrance exams will go. I'm a little anxious and afraid, but  oh well, I'm hoping for the best, the bigger issue here is : how will I enjoy my last year as a high school student? I know I will enjoy it, I just don't know HOW. No matter how much you're confused right now, you really won't get a better explanation than THAT. Hah!

  Odd humor aside, I still feel like I need more time to prepare myself. I feel like I can't allow myself to enjoy something until I really want it to happen to me. I'm. Not. Ready. Sadly, time isn't stopping for anyone, and just like any other person would, I would adapt to it (Assuming every person actually accepts their fate. Probably not.) What's left to do anyways? I can't just absent all year... Nor can I just lock myself up in my room. I wish I could. Dammit. I just hope this last year will make a huge impact on my psych. I need to get motivated. I need to set goals and priorities. Growing up is shit. Hopefully it will turn out well for me. Even I don't know what I do myself. I'll just hope stuff happens. GO FUTURE ME!

  That's about it. My mind ain't so full these days. I guess I'm just massively bored, anxious, afraid, excited, sad, happy, [insert every emotion available]. I can't write about anything else. I'm just waiting for things to unfold so that I know what to do next. HOPEFULLY I won't come back here in the middle of the school year. Some shit must've happen to me if that ever happens. I applaud YOU for actually reading this (if you actually read it and not skim it. Sorry for... everything.)  Good luck to YOU and what ever you are doing. I'm out. Peace out. OUUUUUT!

 

In the name of ME

  What's up random viewers? It's been a long while. It's been a peaceful summer, until now. It's really weird how you only discover yourself once that you talk about yourself. It happened to me an hour ago. I'm currently on what you call the country side of the Philippines with my family. It's quiet and peaceful, but I won't be hanging out with my friends anytime soon and I'm also getting BRACES~ (Note the excitement.) I'm not really sure how to feel about that, but a lot of people say that I'll get thin. I should probably be happy... Back to topic. You did notice that I only blog when shit happens, right? Well for this one, I really wouldn't call it shit. It's like something good happened but I'm not sure if I should feel good about it. I discovered my flaws, and I'm not happy about it, but at least I discovered something.

  It's true that nobody is perfect, and we should accept that right away, but that fact only came to me tonight; now it's hard to accept it. If you must know : I have no faith. It's not that I don't believe in God (I'm the Science > Religion guy but I still believe in God. I'm awesome.) nor is it because of my religion. I don't have faith in myself. I knew from the start that I was shy, but I'm only trying to accept that fact NOW. I know it's not impossible, but it's hard. Ever since I was small I've been trying to change that. It's hard. Changing is hard. Deal with it.

  So I'm here, stuck in accepting or trying to change it. I could just ignore it but it would always come back. That's how problems roll. It keeps coming back. It sucks. I know. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say : "Who are you?" Of course it doesn't talk back, but I can always imagine it saying "I have no idea." I wouldn't call it identity crisis. I'd call it confused. Just plain old confused... Or maybe high. I don't even know.

  What now? That's what I ask. Well, I gotta keep living, keep growing and keep glowing. Unfortunately, I can't just die all of a sudden. People need me. A lot of people need me. I don't need them to say they need me because someday they WILL need me. Even the people I don't even know yet. I'll be there to HELP. Why? Simply because I want to. Even I don't know why. I just want to help people. At the same time I want to understand EVERYONE. Big-ass goal  and no rewards for it. I don't care. I love it. Might as well make that my job and my hobby will be doing my real job (Confused? You should be. You're reading my blog.) And that's it. I'm OUT. I'll be writing less frequently though. This blog has almost served it's purpose. Why almost? Because the problems will keep coming, and I will keep writing. Peace out.

The ending is what you want it to be

  Hi, it's been a while. I've actually gotten over the sadness and ranting and anger and depression. I guess it just went away after I spent some time with my friends (THANKS GUYS!) and I kinda got a goal in mind, taking baby steps, one at a time. Everything is fun, really, but life is currently getting repetitive and boring. Once you realize, "It's happening all over again!", you'll just get disappointed with your life, and the get extremely bored, like I'm-tired-of-your-shit bored. I have a plan, I'm satisfied with my friends and family. But it always feels like there's something MISSING. There's this spot on my life that hasn't been filled yet, or has never been filled at all. I WANT TO FILL THAT GAP. I just don't know why, and that doubt, that little uncertainty of what that thing is, I've experienced it before, and I'm really tired of that shit, and now I'm bored. I want answers but no one will give them to me because only I know the answer, yet I don't know.

  This isn't supposed to be depressing or anything, I'm just tired of feeling this way and I just wanna let it out there. Maybe I'm just tired again, maybe I'm just anxious or something. I just hope the feeling goes away. My summer wouldn't be any fun if I felt this way all through it. I just hope that someday I'll find a cure for this, or answer, or solution. I just hope that in the end, I'm not alone, or forgotten, or discarded, or hated. I hope that I can find a way where my ending is what I want it to be. I know I can, yet anything can happen in this random, colorful, painful life.It would be sad if someone were to spoil you of your own adventures, cause then, where's the fun in knowing what's gonna happen next, be it good or bad? You can probably say that everyone is the star in their own movie, that's why we have to respect each one, so that everyone reaches that happy ending. Makes sense to me.

Social Importance of the Socially Unimportant Feelings II

  And I'm BACK! I recently discovered that some friends actually read the sh*t I make. I'm kind of embarrassed and proud, to be honest. I want them to see and NOT to see it. It's complicated. I'm complicated.

  Back to part 2 : L-O-V-E. Not everyone is direct and not everyone is successful. I'm sure everyone knows about the friend-zone and I'm sure a lot of people out there think they're forever alone. Well, to you unlucky people, it's not over yet. Everyone has the chance to meet someone special in his/her life. Just be patient. Don't rush things. Enjoy the moment. But if you're doing things TOO slow, just say you love 'em before it's too late. It's not like you'll die if you get rejected,  it'll be similar to death, yes, but unfortunately you still get to live right after. Wait, that's worse than death. Instead of encouraging you I actually sort of scared you... Think of it this way :

1) You only live once (YES, YOLO MAN!.) so why not take the chance? Better to love and be rejected than never tried. (Wish I could take my own advice...)

2) You never know till' you try. What if the person you like also liked you back, yet that person gave up because both of you were afraid of rejection? Sucks, doesn't it? That's life. Early bird gets the worm.

3) If you DO get rejected - trust me on this one - there are plenty of "dream girl/boyfriend' out there. You only think she's the only one because you think she's perfect, so you tend to think she's the only one out there because you don't wanna lose her. Sadly, we human beings are not as diverse as you think we are. There are PLENTY of look-a-likes and think-a-likes, but that doesn't mean you'll have to wait till' that perfect person shows up and gets hooked on you. What if you're destined to be with this one girl? Make a move if you really want to end up in love (Wish.I.Could.Take.Advice.)

4) Be open-minded of things. Be optimistic. Be loving, caring compassionate. Be understanding. Be helpful. Be fun to be with. Don't be selfish. Be yourself. This is all theoretically possible through the power of love. I've seen a lot of people do the impossible. You can probably do all this, as long as you're REALLY in love. (Wish I could)

  I'm gonna be an epic life coach. Or not, I could be but nahhh... Anyways, if it's love, just do the right things with the right intentions and you'll be fine. If you get heartbroken, I'm not responsible for anything. At least you experienced something, be it heartbeat or heartbreak. AT LEAST YOU TRIED. PEACE OUT MOFO!

  P.S. : This is my first PS, and I wanted it to be awesome. This is my second post for today, and I'm lonely as f*ck. A few friends actually visited earlier this morning. We sang, got high, played games. Then I went to the review center with other friends for more fun and "LEARNING" and finally had an awesome dinner with le awesome family. Then I listened to epic music from a friend. I suddenly got depressed just this moment. I just feel like something is STILL missing. And that something missing is actually on this part II. Daily Log OUT.
 
 

Social Importance of the Socially Unimportant Feelings

  SUP PEEPS! I've been wanting to point this out for a while : Why aren't people direct at their goals? It's STUPID! If you loved someone, you tell them that you do. If you hate someone, just say it to their face. If you're tired of everything at the moment, why do you hide it? Maybe it's human nature, maybe it's because people don't want others involved, maybe they're just afraid to be laughed at, maybe I'm correct about those, maybe not, because even I do those things and I still don't know! If I knew I wouldn't be talking about it wouldn't I? People are complicated! That's why understanding them is the greatest challenge, it's what I always wanted to do when I was small, because when I was small, everyone was complicated and I thought maybe if I understood them and if I could help them, they'd talk to me seriously. I guess not everything turns out as you expect them too. Life's like that.

  Enough of the past, let's get crackin' to what really matters : EVERYONE'S Problems. Be it love, socially-awkwardness, emotional scars, or good ol' depression, it all comes down to needing one thing: a friend. If you expected that, good on you, if you didn't expect that or don't understand why, here's WHY :

1) Got a crush on someone? Tell it to a friend
2) Having a hard time? Lay it to a friend
3) Emotional Scars? Explain to your friend
4) Socially-awkward? You'll get a friend (like it or not)

  No matter WHO you are, WHERE you are, WHAT you do, you'll have a friend because the universe doesn't like loners. The catch is you don't know when you'll get one. When you DO get one, you'll do one of those 4 things above, or even worse things than those mentioned above, cause when you finally have a friend, you'll both grow tighter and happier (unless your friend isn't as honest as you are or vice versa) until you share every little bit of info in your life, then you BOTH will start to understand each other. That's how friends work. Deal with it. If you're not convinced, you probably haven't found the poor soul that you're gonna share all your sh** to. Don't worry, he/she will come, just be patient.

  In conlcusion, people only open up to people they're close to, if not close, people they can trust. That's what I want to be: Trustworthy. I can't manage to be trustworthy to anyone, so my job will be where I can be trustworthy, like I don't know, a DOCTOR? It's not like I have any ill intentions, I just really want to feel trusted by anyone.

  That's enough for this part. To be continued!

 

 

Status Quo

  Here we go again, third post on the same day as the second. I'm bored, randomly depressed, and it's 12 AM AGAIN. What to do? Oh yeah, blogging. Yay.

  Well, let's do some more sharing shall we? Yes, it's gonna be semi-gloomy this time. When I was on my last days of Grade School, I wanted to kill myself. Badly. ASAP even. But yeah I'm lazy + I was still afraid of losing hope. There are still so many "what ifs" in life. So as soon as I got depressed and thought of executing myself in the most dramatic way possible, my mind goes like, "STOP! What if...? " Then all sorts of happy bullcrap enters my mind, and it forces, or rather makes me, to become happy of the thought. Well it's just a thought, how can you be happy about that? Well, a man can dream, can't he? Back to the story, near suicide, then happy thoughts, then no suicide. I guess it's how my mind reacts to the threat of DEATH. Suicide always passed through my mind, it became more frequent, yet less threatening, because I know I won't kill myself. Ain't that nice? Nope. The world around me, the atmosphere, the mood, the people, the sky, my vision... It all went gray. I was already "dead" and the only thing that kept me moving was my friends at grade school, and my family. It wasn't painful, nor refreshing nor relaxing. It was just... something like oblivion mixed with more meaningless stuff, and yes I can't put it to words, it was just that f*cked up.

  Yeah I lived through that, I'm sure everyone has the worst of the problems, even worse than mine, but hey, that was MY worst problem, everyone else has his/her own sad story, how people treat it is how they'll accept it through their perspective, but that lesson is for another blog post.

  After the life at Grade School, High School happened. I was excited. REALLY excited. Because once I'm in there, I would be alone. I was anti-social back then and I was wishing to go back to grade school with my old friends. But oh well, the environment at school will somehow drag you in to a circle of friends, and no matter how anti-social you are, you're still gonna get some friends. For me it was the first day at high school, which kind of surprised me. I mean, ME? FRIEND? ALREADY? I only thought of the following :
1. He's gonna use me as a scapegoat in his troubles
2. I'm gonna be his punching bag
3. He will kill me
4. I'm pretty much fucked

  That's how I thought of every person in school. I never trusted someone, because in my childhood, I never felt trust of any sort. But since the guy already introduced himself and all, there's no escape. "Act normal, act normal." Damn hard to do. I stayed like that till the first week. Until the first month had passed by, I already had tons of friends, and for once I thought, "let's give this trust thing a shot." The once gray filled vision started to have a little color bit by bit, even if it's slowly being added, and while being added you're exposed to some crazy shit that people do, it's still something. For once someone became honest to me, and I became honest to someone. I felt like I had almost nothing to hide, just like how I release all the stress in blogging. Feels damn good. Everything changed in just a few months, but of course the memories are still there, but who cares? Shit's happening and I gotta be part of that for it to be more fun! Plus I didn't die in high school, or become a punching bag, I didn't become anti-social, I didn't kill myself, I survived, I lived, I'm slowly becoming happy. I. Am. Alive. Everyone in the past helped me until this moment. But I didn't expect more problems to arise. The worst is not even close to my life yet. I'm still so young and I'm sure the greatest challenge is still out there, waiting to fuck me up. But of course, I'll be ready. Even you'll be ready for YOUR greatest problems. This world, this environment, this whole planet, will give you what you'll need for what's to come. The only thing that's gonna make you fail is yourself. Why yourself? Go Figure.

Resolutions

   What's up? It's been two days since my last post. Awesome. I forgot to add that I'm LAZY and I'm a GAMER at the intro so, yeah, I forgot to mention 2 major things in the intro. Anyways, with those 2 things now known to you, I'm just gonna go ahead and say : College is gonna be frickin' hard, especially when you're trying to become a medical doctor and to top it off : I'm the laziest person in this planet. When I went to LSC for the review center (I forgot to mention I'm in PH, lol)  I was shocked, cause now I know that the college entrance exams will f*ck me up, since my review center quizzes were kind of low, if not average or passing. So as usual, I got depressed, played a little League of L. and played a little piano, my mom found out about the scores and then my siblings scold me. Yeah, I immediately regret trying to become a doctor, yet I thought to myself, "If I give up now, I guess everything I did would be sort of a waste." That happened last night. I grabbed the English textbook (I failed English at the diagnostic test. Shame on me) and read that b*tch all night... Until I got high from all the studying and started to talk with a British accent.

  So what's my plan? Study, stop getting depressed, play less League, balance my time. Then again I need to overcome my laziness; nevertheless, I found a solution, which is to screech until my laziness runs out through screeching. Don't judge me, it works wonders. After creating this plan, I then thought of my love life, wherein I concluded "F that Sh*t!" I know the right girl is waiting there somewhere. Yeah I believe in destiny and fate, I also believe that everyone can be anything they want to be, but they can't be EVERYTHING they want to be. I also believe that it's the inside what counts, yet society's norms say : It's the outside that matters. I also believe that humans will continue to ruin themselves through their greed, stupidity and corruption. I already lost faith in our leaders, cause the people who want to really change the world are kept down to a lower position, unable to speak their opinions or plans, while people that are greedy and corrupted rise up, LOOKING like they really want to change the world, but end up becoming indifferent to the cause. SH*T! I just wrote that? My bad, this was supposed to be a fun blog.

  That's pretty much my thinking capacity for today. Enjoy the moment, peeps!

Intro For the Win

   Hello, random person, I welcome you to this blog. You're probably wondering why I made something like this. Well, first of all, there's absolutely nothing to do at 12 AM. Secondly, I thought maybe this was a good idea, sharing thoughts to the internet for all to see. It's still your choice if you wanna read beyond this. Ready? You sure? OK.

  I'm not sure where life is headed right now. I'm a soon to be senior surrounded by epic friends, family, mind-fucking problems, and whatever an average human life can offer. Frankly, I'm just confused about it and time doesn't seem to be stopping or pulling any punches at me, so what can I do? Make a blog. I can't really say with a straight face that my friends "pushed" me to it. Deep inside I've been wanting to do this. To be HEARD. To be UNDERSTOOD. That's what everyone wants, ain't it? Unfortunately it's impossible to understand each other when you don't even know what they're going through, though here I am, hoping that there's somebody out there somewhere that will read this and understand the pressure, the sadness, the joys, pains, ups and downs, the experiences that life is gonna cram into a persons life. You could say that I'm afraid, unprepared, or maybe even stupid enough to see what's coming to me tomorrow and the days after. Obviously, I don't like being all of those three combined; it just makes me even more confused, and everyday I keep getting lost because I BECOME afraid, unprepared and stupid, and after that I proceed to getting depressed and hopeless.

   I guess that's enough despair for an intro, right? Time for a boring introduction!

  I'm bipolar, I get high at night, I have the the best friends EVER, I have an awesome family to which I'm constantly trying to do my best for, I am a hopeless lover, my mood depends on YOU, I have many personalities, I try to be a people-person (Does that word exist?), I'm awkward around strangers, I absolutely LOVE music, I love playing instruments, I also love giving advice, I hate taking them though, I smile a lot, I'm only smart when it counts, I'm sensitive, I hate debating / fighting / wasting energy / being ignored, but I'm used to it, I'm used to being alone, but having someone around is nice, I have suicidal tendencies, I never blogged before, I run out of ideas quickly, I'm just elongating this post, I'm friendly, I'm not good with jokes, I hate haters, I have OCD sometimes, I hate being hated, though I hate myself sometimes, and lastly, congratulations for reading until this point. You won't earn anything though. Just... Good Job, pal, and nooooow I'm sleepy.