Confessions from an auto-psychoanalysis

  Yeah, yeah, I said I would be back in the middle of the school year or later than that. Don't worry nothing bad happened. Based on the title I, absentmindedly analyzed my social life. Plus I found out my dad read this... I think he read this. I hope not. I spam profanity in every paragraph of the blog. Sorry Mom, Dad! Hopefully they just accept that I'm growing up and learning to cuss.  I'll try to curse less.

  As I was saying. I just analyzed myself. To make it more understandable for you guys, I can be in 2 circle of friends : The Nerdy ones (Not calling you guys NERDS. It's how society calls us so I dunno!) Not much problem with these guys cause I can talk to them all and have a laugh! Love yo bros! (No homo) On the second group, I have these... guys. Not sure what to call the second one because we're like cool, chill, hyper, hangout, musical, random, gaming, joking, philosophical, high, story-time, talented...  and the goes on. On my first to the half of my second year I felt like I didn't really belong in that group of awesome and unique people since I just listened to them talk and stuff, but when I went high as f*ck and started making jokes, they actually laughed, and that made me closer to them. But to this day I still don't know why I'm in that circle of friends. Both circle of friends are reaaaally important to me. It's just hard to balance them most of the time. It's like trying to be a cool and awesome dude and then transition into a nerdy, geeky and imaginative dude. It's hard. I love it though. I'm a cool... nerd? Eff it.
 
  The second group had a bigger impact since I never had much friends like them before. Those guys changed me a lot. In a good way... And a dash of bad, but mostly good. But my "nerd" circle of friends, that's like my NICHE. My habitat. Why is that? I have the lowest self-esteem in the whole world. (Not saying my nerd friends have low self-esteem. It's just that you guys are majorly shy on strangers. Just saying. You guys are still awesome.)  The only place where my self-esteem is high is on the "nerd" group. When I was young I was more of a nerd. That's why it's easier to share stuff with them, have a simple laugh, hangout with them. They helped me cultivate my self-esteem. But then the second group. On my early years within this circle of friends, I felt like my self-esteem was being tested. Like these guys are testing my patience and confidence all at the same time. I still have a lot of fun with these guys but sometimes, there are moments that I feel some sort of rejection or denial. Even when they're joking, the feeling is still there. Not saying you guys hurt me sometimes, but... yeah you guys do... sometimes. The feeling of being denied is STILL there.
 
   The thing here is I would be a K.J. if I told them that it sucks or it hurt. I'd be even more K.J. if I held a grudge or got angry for the rest of the day. So yeah, I just take it in. Then I retreat to my "nerd" friends. Cause my nerd friends usually make my day. So basically, the friends I have in the first circle boosts my confidence and self-esteem, while the second circle of friends test that confidence and then gradually break it down. Sometimes I feel like I really don't belong in that second circle. Honestly, those guys are way awesome-er and cooler, but one of them just had to meet me on the first day of freshman high school. I don't regret it, but sometimes I just ask myself "Why did it have to be you guys?" and then I immediately forget the question and answer with  "I'm GLAD it was you guys." Even with all the jokes sometimes I can't take, they still accepted me even if I felt like I didn't belong. Thanks guys. For EVERYTHING! Hopefully I enjoy the last year of high school with all of you guys! :D
 
  In retrospect, I blogged this because I REALLY want to tell all of my friends how I feel. But I can't, cause even if they're my bestest friends in the world, I still haven't reached a level of trust that allows me to share absolutely everything. Yet here I am hoping they would read this. At the same time I hope they don't. Yeah, I'm weird like this. Hopefully they're not tuned in on this. Yet I hope they are. Dammit

  Well that's it. I really hope the next post will be like months later after this one. I really wanted to out this out in the open. There are some things that you just have to let out. If I held this in, I guess it would be lost in my memories, and it will be just another doubt in my mind. See ya guys.

   P.S. : I saw a pic of my Mom when she was a teen. She's was CUUUUUUUUUTE. Though I realized : She was a kid once, then she's been through more than me. Then I imagined that this woman, is still that young, cute girl in that picture... She just learned more and aged. I guess if I ever disobey my Mom, I'll just imagine her as a young girl. Then I'd feel like I'd be disrespecting a lady.... But then again why would I disobey my Mom in the first place? *facepalm* Sometimes I hate the way I was raised, yet I wouldn't have it any other way... I have awesome parents. Good night folks!