2015

    I start to write at 1:49 AM, January 1, 2015. Happy New Year! Many would say that this is the first page of 365 more to come in the book of 2015. It's also the year of the goat. Another year of changes to come, challenges to meet, and milestones to reach. Time to sally forth and press on with heads held high.

    It's funny how just 365 days ago, I was talking about changes and how it shouldn't affect me. It did. I'm currently at a loss for words as of this moment. Trying to absorb the fact that we're all starting at 1 of 365 all of a sudden, and the fact that being back to square one feels horrible, yet amazing and disorienting, all at once. I've been awake for almost 24 hours because I can't sleep yet. I feel like there were many things I left behind along with that year that I can never, ever, take back. It's like... when you play a game, and before you proceed to the next area of the game, you check every inch of your current area so you don't miss anything, because you might not ever have the chance to go back to your current area ever again. So imagine being forced into the next area. You haven't seen all of the parts from the previous area. And there's this bitter taste in your mouth of what you could have found if you were quick enough, or maybe if you were more thorough with the search. Now you can't go back. Whatever you lost, it's gone for good, because you never found it. Though in hindsight, you don't really need that to complete the game, right? You'll just proceed to the next area, and possibly, search it more thoroughly than the last, and leave happily. Then the regrets starts to recede at the back of your mind, you slowly forget about it and move on. Until the moment you beat the game. After some credits or cut scenes, you get to see how you much you completed the game. Percentage of items obtained, levels reached, milestones achieved... You get to see that you haven't seen everything. This is the part where life can't provide whereas a video game can: the option to retry. Maybe the next run, you'll get all the items, or reach the maximum level. Except that in life, you can't.

    Even "YOLO" is appropriate in this context. We're not really sure what happens what happens after death, because no one ever really lived to tell the tale (BADUM-TSSSSS), which justifies the fact that we need to make this one life count. No more crying because of spilled milk, or holding grudges over what happened when and why, even if your back is against the wall and there is possibly no way of things getting better, that's when you make a comeback, that's an opportunity to achieve things, that's another bullet for another shot. Life's too short to wonder about who did what because of who. Do something productive. Do your homework even. Do something that makes you happy. Do something that makes other people happy, even if it's your enemies. It doesn't matter how hard life brings you down to the ground. Though if you plan on staying on the ground, make sure that the moment you get up, you'll keep walking forward.

    Maybe next year, I'll look back to this post, and laugh, or cry. By then it won't matter. Because I'm already a step ahead, and there's no turning back from there. Time won't wait for anyone.

Moving on, for real this time

    I've finally been there and done that, and yes it's the friend-zone, but there are certain things that I didn't expect would happen to me, but before that, I'm gonna give a vague back-story whilst playing the pronoun game.

    So for the whole 1st Semester of my Freshman Year, I've been desperate for a girlfriend, and I'm not ashamed of it, because after college, or even in the middle of it, I'd be too busy building up for my career and studies, so if I'm gonna have some fun, it's going to be this year. But instead of fun, I've been subjected to the friend-zone, and so deep in the friend-zone, something like SUPER MEGA ULTRA BEST FRIEND ZONE, that it hurt. I couldn't tell the girl I fell in love with about what I felt, because I know that rejection was her only choice, and it would ruin our friendship, so I didn't bother, and acted that it was fine. It didn't take long for my own hopes and expectations to finish me up and get me really depressed, yet I couldn't exactly impart those emotional dilemmas to anyone, not even my friends, because I knew it wouldn't help, yet at some point, I still managed to break the rules I set for myself, and friend by friend, I started 'fessing up. I couldn't take the heavy emptiness welling up in me, and so I told it to some friends.
   
    It started to feel nice, to just talk about how you feel. It's like sharing a load, and you know they'd carry it with you a little, and even if not all of the weight is relieved from you, at least it was less than what you had a while ago; it's lighter than before. Although it helped to share your little problems with others, even the remaining weight you had after you've distributed several parts of it to others will start to feel heavy. There are still some doubts and fears left that will start to grow back into what it once was, and eventually, not even just sharing your problems will be enough. Soon you'll start blaming the person you fell in love with, and you start to hate that person for a while, or you'll even just try to ignore her for as long as you can, maybe avoid contact or even looking at that person. All of those methods, ineffective. You keep hoping that a miracle comes, but even you know that no such thing will save you from the void that approaches you, only to be dispelled by the false sense of hope when she suddenly talks to you again, only to be reminded that you're still in the friend-zone, and the cycle goes on. I've been on that cycle. I had started blaming her for my own demise without her knowing that I had this artificial grudge. Though seeing as I couldn't just hate her without a reason, I just started ignoring her. I just acted like we were strangers, as if everything we had done together was just an illusion, as if we've never met before, never shared a moment together. She started to notice, she told our friends, our friends told me, and I was torn. Was she missing me as a friend or as something else? All my stupid little hopes just received a jump start and deep inside I cried, knowing that this will just be a start of another cycle, and all of my choices were irrelevant of what the outcome was. It took me a while to convince myself to talk to her, and yet I did. We talked as if nothing ever happened, shared laughs like we always did. It was nice, and I didn't even think of that cycle happening, I just enjoyed my time with her. That's when I finally felt like I took a step on breaking the damned cycle, I was moving on. I didn't know how, but talking to her just made me feel happy, and I didn't crave her as much as I did in the past. It felt liberating. Just all those one-sided emotional attachments gone. I didn't know why, but I wasn't completely content, but for that moment in my freshman year, I felt awesome.

    On the day before yesterday,  I was willing to let the year end on an "okay" note. I couldn't have done anything to change my current situation, so I kept hanging on the truth that everything will end, good or bad. I was still hoping for a miracle. A miracle that might just save me from this anticlimactic ending. What I got was something better.

    A friend of mine, which also happens to be a friend of the girl I liked, asked me how I was doing with the girl, and I told her "Parang... Wala lang, tinitignan ko lang siya as maganda, pero hindi ko na ginugusto" (Nothing... I just see her as a pretty face, but I don't like her in that way anymore [Screw direct translationsssssss]) She slapped me, saying that I was lying and said "Wag ka nang umasa kasi alam mo namang wala kang maabot diyan. Sinasabi ko na sayo kasi mahal kita." (Stop hoping, because  you know that you won't get anything out of it. I'm saying this because I love you.) Don't get the message wrong, we're really platonic, me and this friend of mine, The part where she says I love you was pretty routine, but it kinda gave the "oomph" in that message. She gave me this final kick for that get-over-it-you'll-be-fine effect to go off, and it did. I felt complete. It's much more different when someone else tells you to give up instead of telling it to yourself. Though it did sound like a sad thing to say, it was OK.

     So a few days went by, and today was the last day of school for 2014. I met up with the girl who F-Zoned me with one of our friends. We just hung out and had some fun. Talked about random things and just enjoyed the day. Even though sometimes she talked about a guy she's currently loves, or has loved, it didn't sting. I accepted the fact that I would never be anything special to her, because she'll never see me that way, but accepting that fact opened up a new perspective: I'll always be a friend she could rely on. I could fulfill a role that could be close to what I wanted. There was no point in forcing to what I exactly wanted, so I settled for the immediate second best. It sounds sad but a discovery kept me going: You never, ever, get over a relationship, you only accept its loss. You'll never forget what transpired in those moments of your life that made you depressed, or furious, or broken. You only accept that it happen to you. You find the closure you need to move on to the next chapter, and you remind yourself that you need to turn that page to find out what happens next. You won't settle for anything lower than real closure, and if you do try to make yourself comfortable in assuming certain facts, doubts will eat you away and your problem will be back, stronger than ever. The truth is painful, but it sets you free. Things that happened in the past STAYS in the past. Unfortunately, AND FORTUNATELY, it stays there. If there's nothing you can do about it, then why bother crying about it? I know that many would argue with "Easier said than done", and it's not. You just have to take a little action. If you want things to be different, you'll have to do something different. If you did put some effort into things, and it still doesn't go well, then you're on the wrong track. Start with something else, and if you kept trying new things and none of them worked, then wait for something to happen. There are just so many methods, and each works better than the other for different people. Just find what works for you. Remember that if it's meant for you, it'll stay in your life. It might go away for a while, but if it was destined to be, then it'll come back to you.

    As for me, I'm just gonna turn to the next chapter. I may find something new, or rediscover something old, but the highlight is that I could progress to the next page of my life. Change is good when things start getting too repetitive. Hopefully, this chapter is filled with discoveries less painful than this one, or maybe it's a sequel to the lesson. I eagerly await as time's hands slowly turn the fractions of the book of my life. I'm going to wait for things to unfold, and when it does, I'll be ready.

________

1. I can't think of a title, so...
2. I do not want to make paragraphs right now :( 
3. 10 days until Christmas!
4. I'm severely confused on the current events that my life has unfolded unto me.
5. I'm less depressed than before, but even more confused than I used to be.
6. Existential Crisis Swings
7. Do you know what feeling when you just want to stop existing for a day just to unwind everything and start fresh? Too bad I can't.
8. I'm worried because a friend of mine loves to blog in lists, and I'm doing it right now. Sorry, bro.
9. I have no idea what to type but I'm just gonna type stuff. Raspberries.
10. I hate it when I have a clear idea what to write, but when I start typing it up, I forget it all. Dammit.
11. Do you ever get that feeling that you'll never be as happy as you were before because of certain things you did and certain things you didn't, and even though it's not entirely your doing, your choices in that point of time made it so, and now there's nothing you can do about it but accept it and move on, knowing that you'll never be as happy as you were? Yep.
12. Sorry, that took a dark turn, but I'm going to try and compensate with a random word
13. Sorry, but I couldn't think of a random word. Bananas.
14. Do you ever get that feeling where you're so anxious and confused that your mind just passes by every random sh*t it encounters within your memories and knowledge and your brain stops throbbing and you can't stop your mind from going nuts, and then all the stress and problems just hit you all at once, and bang, your mind is blank and all you can say is "Wat"
15. That totally happened a while ago.
16. College is getting really boring, if not depressing and/or irritating. 7 more years of this is just gonna end up making me crazy.
17. I. Really. Miss. High School.
18. What if I ended up in another college? Maybe... 
19. Oh well, time to stop imagining. No use.
20. Escapism, good ol' habit.
21. Christmas Break I need youuuuuuuuuuuu.
22. I still need to vent out something, but I forgot.
23. I'll be back on Xmas Eve~ DFTBA.

18

  It's official guys, I am, in many ways, legal as of today. 18. Not a bad age, for me at least. As of this day, it's not so bad. Friends and loved ones acknowledging your existence through notifications in Facebook, and your family planning something up to make your name day special. It feels nice to feel special once in a while, especially when your age is in the middle of too young or too old to be celebrated. It's TRUE! When you're young, people get all hyped for your growth. Hitting 2 - 3 years old is an achievement worth of A PARTY. And when you get to 60, 70, 80, 90? PARTY. Anywhere in the middle of that age range just depends on how much your peers love you or how much you want your birthday to be extravagant, but I digress.

   My birthday was still great. It may not be a big bad party, but it was still great to still feel valued or somewhat important. Heck, even friends from half across the globe had time to greet me. Pretty awesome. Since I'm at an age where I really need that sort of thing, it was a big deal for me. Everything was great until 11 PM at night. Something came up that wasn't all that great, and I'm sorry if it's gonna be really vague, but it made me realize something. Well I won't expound much on the something but it goes like "We fall in love with the worst people, only to find out that the best ones are right in front of us." For these past few months, I've been in love with the person that I thought was perfect, but surprise, surprise, they're not. Nobody is. Accept it.

  The quote says "worst" people, and the fact that I thought they were perfect made me expect a lot of things, and those expectations, when crushed by the person that hold them, destroy your image of them. They're not exactly the worst, it's just that your unrequited feelings and strong expectations of them got the best of you, and you got no one to blame but yourself, but of course you wouldn't want that, so you blame the next person involved with those feelings. Well as for the second part of the quote, the best ones are truly right in front of us. That includes your friends and your family. Think of it this way, they've put up with your sh*t for all this time, especially your family, up to the literal sense. At some point in life you'll realize that, and realize it AGAIN, and you'll feel a little guilty with the things you've done. Vicious cycle, but it happens to everyone. Back on topic, your peers are the FRICKING BEST. Don't let go of them EVER, Speaking from a little bit of experience here. Trust me. 

  I did get a rad gift from today, and that is a strong life lesson about love. Don't chase perfect people. They don't exist, and IF THEY DO, they're either taken, hiding something you wouldn't want to know about, or have horrible, horrible personalities that you wouldn't like. If you're looking for someone, maybe you've already met your soul mate, but you just haven't noticed it yet because you were too busy chasing someone who you think is perfect for you. Perhaps you should wait for the right one to appear. Either way, they wouldn't be perfect if they AREN'T with you. It's stupid. It's like they were meant for you, but they can never be yours, so what's the point? It's kinda their choice, so let them be. Unless you got a way to make them reconsider you as a choice, I'll stay confident in following this piece of wisdom. For now, I'm not involving myself in anything that's unimportant. I'll just stick with my current peers and studies. Though sooner or later, I might betray my own little oath, I find solace in the fact that I realized something today, and that today was an awesome day.
Cheers!

Unrequited

So I wrote this an hour before P.E. Class on November 18, and something stupid just happened to me a moment ago; my heart went pumping hard when I saw the girl I love (or loved, I'm still confused about which one) walked by and I realized that maybe I still have these feelings. For her.

  I've read a blog about people wanting closure even though they never had a relationship to begin with; they wanted closure for unrequited thoughts or feelings they never got to express properly, and it eats them away day by day.  If so, maybe that's just what happened.

  I've made a post a while ago about letting go, and it is truly easier said than done. I really thought I was out of the woods on that one, but it just comes back to haunt you. The moment you really think that everything is finally back to normal, and you've somewhat given closure to those feelings, something happens, either simple or grand, that shows you that it's not going to be over for a long while.

 I haven't expressed all of my feelings, and I still feel that I shouldn't. Some things are better left unsaid, and this is one of them. I know I'm going to regret this someday, and I know this is arguably the worst choice, but it's better than not choosing anything at all. Maybe in time, the feelings die out along with the expectations I once had. I'm going to be fine. I just don't know when. 

Letting Go

   Foreword : Not a reference to Frozen. Let's not go there. Also, I made this on November 15. In a car. Whether it is a product of boredom, or teenage ramblings, we may never know. 

   So first off let me quote this...  quote, which goes like "The highest act of love is letting the person go." I agree with the saying, since giving freedom to the person you love is something really selfless and really hard to do, but I never thought I'd be the one letting people go,  and it's easier said than done, that's for sure.

   I need to accept that someday, people I love are going to be out of my reach. People that I once hugged or hung out with are now going to be away forever. The intensity of the friendships will end, and if I meet them again someday, it will be just a ton of catching up, and that's it. Some people will slowly drift away from my portrait of everyday life.

   Maybe it's just me again, afraid of change, but I decided that no matter what I do, I'll always be afraid of the unknown. Maybe I'm just afraid of loss, or maybe I see the loss as a form of rejection. Maybe it's all of these, and the only conclusion I can get from that is that I can't let something go so easily. Acceptance over the loss of something or someone important is too much for me. In retrospect, I was really afraid of loss as a kid. Whether it was a game or a friend or a competition, I always despised loss. I'm probably just running away from my demons all along, though trust me, my demons are pretty invincible in my eyes. I'm not afraid of the demon itself, but I just have no means to vanquish it.

   I know that the solution is staring at me in the face, but I repeat: It's really easier said than done. Even when I repeat "letting go"  in my thoughts, it's just too hard to accept the kind of loss. Maybe it'll just happens once it's lost. Maybe I just need a new hobby, or a girlfriend even, but until I've lost something I cannot take back, I wouldn't know the answer. Time to wait for the inevitable. 

Sembreak

   HAPPY POST! SEMBREAK!!!

   So I have been at QC from October 18 until today. After 6 months of not seeing my high school friends, I finally got in touch with them. It felt kinda nostalgic, hanging out with them again. Even though it was for a short time, it was worth it because I won't be able to visit like that until next year. I enjoyed  little parties with lots of my friends over the weekends when I was there, and to my surprise, they didn't change THAT much, but at the same time they DID.

   They didn't altogether change, they just...grew. They're smarter, or they're more social, or they're excelling in school, or all of the above. Some people never fully change, they just adapt to new environments. If I were to see them in the next 20 years, maybe we'd still be laughing over the same things, but of course there would be new stories to add to the conversation.

   Now that I'm back at Trece, I regret not making enough plans to hang out with them. I only hung out with them in the weekends, and there were some people that I didn't get to talk to in person, and of course, some plans were canceled, which really disappointed me, but at least I did SOMETHING worthwhile within the sembreak. Now that it's ending, I can't help but feel sad about it.

   I'll miss them all. I remember making a post about how it's not gonna be the same when I get to college and start a new life. It's not gonna get worse though, it's only gonna get better.

When The Universe Speaks

    Today. Was. Crap. It was supposed to be fun, but it wasn't. When the universe tries to tell you something, it really tries hard, to the point that it f*cks your whole day up.
 
    So today, we had just one, 3 hour class, PSYCHOLOGY. My favorite! Always cheered me up cause if I ever fail from Medical Biology, I'd shift to AB/BS Psychology in a heartbeat. Today's topic was Psychoanalysis, concerning the ego, superego, and id. I learned quite a lot, and suddenly the topic of friend-zone, depression, and suicide kicks in. Our prof explained that the act of friend-zoning someone is just a subtle way of saying "I don't like you, romantically." Strike 1. At first I just laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the class. As the day went by, it began eating me away. Strike 2. After the classes, what was supposed to be the best hangout of the week became the most agonizing 7 hours of my life (spared details). Strike 3, and I'M out.

     For the first 3 hours, I really wanted to go home. the friend-zone thing wasn't eating me away yet, but it got me thinking for a long while. Even though we had to do some projects, I was still in a personal and psychological conundrum. I just HAD to relate today's lesson to my own problems (Sarcasm pls). As you all know, over-thinking is my #1 destructive hobby, and once I start, I won't stop. My mind was just one boiling soup full of sh*t. I wanted to go home and sleep. Forever. Suicide. Death. After that word came into mind, I just stopped thinking.
     Earlier, at psychology class, I was asked to share my experiences with "depression" and "thoughts of suicide." I did share that I had my moments, where death seemed like the sweetest release, but I thought of the people that helped me until today. I answered that as my "experience", though afterwards, I felt like a liar. I wasn't really sure WHY I lived through those past thoughts. I just held on to the saying of "sayang", or "it's not worth it." Though was it really "sayang" or not worth it? My prof even told us that if we decided on killing ourselves, then make sure you leave the world in a useful way, like donating all your blood, or sacrificing yourself for a cause, which I must admit is true, despite the comedic way of inputting it in the lesson. Unfortunately, I couldn't really apply what I learned at that moment in my life, and instead took it on in a darker perspective, which is seeing suicide as a way of saying "I had enough."
   
    Around the 5th hour or so, I was just totally not thinking. I was around my friends, but I was just... there. Occupying space. I didn't want to think about dying or suicide or anything, I was just THERE. I was EXISTING. My mind was empty. If I started to think of anything, it would just lead me back to the topic of suicide. There was something else to think of, but I couldn't focus. I really wanted out. I wanted to go home and just sleep until next week. Sadly, I can't. I have expectations to meet up, and I couldn't afford to do nothing, and yet, we did nothing. I was feeling worthless.

    7th hour and most of us clocked out. I commuted. Friend-zone was in my mind. Back to psychology class. Our prof said that the difference between "busted" and "friend-zone" is that being "busted" means you have no choice; if she doesn't like you, that's it, you're done, but if you get friend-zoned "It's up to you if you want to end it that way." True, but right now, it didn't seem plausible. On the way home I kept thinking about hoping when I knew there was nothing to hope for. It seems that no matter what I do, I keep facing the same problems, and I keep suffering the same pain. I told myself that maybe it was time to move on. It was time to find someone new. Then again, what if there wasn't anyone else? What if after moving on I wouldn't find someone who knew how to love back? The thoughts went on and on until I set foot inside the house. I stopped thinking about it. Right before writing this blog, I speculated that this was all a huge coincidence. Was it? Maybe it's the universe trying to tell me something. SOMETHING RELATED TO SUICIDE, FRIEND-ZONE, AND DEPRESSION? It's either I misunderstood, or I was just over-thinking again. I really hope it's the latter.

     Peace out.

Better This Way

   It's a funny thing to have a best friend that's of the opposite sex, but if you love her, things get complicated... Yet it doesn't have to be.

   So this recently happened to me, I like a girl, and she didn't like me back, and as usual, I ended up in the so-called friendzone. At first I was just thinking of drifting away from her. "I'm not really getting what I want, so why hold on?" To me that logic was pretty sound, and yet... Yet I found myself going back to her. I was confused with myself so I started to look for an explanation, and some thinking, I found an answer.

   "Maybe it's better this way." At first the idea of just being friends with someone you love is just awkward and masochistic. Yet after some thinking, I thought of things that may actually make it hurt less than it should. Which are the following:

1. Great relationships start as friendships.

2. I get to be as close as her future boyfriend without the commitment.

3. In a case where I find someone new, then nothing bad will necessarily happen. We're just friends right?

   Number 3 is unlikely to happen, and 1 & 2 are the reasons I wake up in the morning. These reasons might make me or break me. What if she finds someone new? What would be my place in her life when there isn't any room for me at all? The worst case scenario is something I dread everyday, and I try to prepare myself for it every minute. I'm trying to let go of my emotional attachments. I just hope she doesn't bring them back up.
 

Do you keep holding on even when there isn't anything else left for you, or let go knowing that there's still a possibility of something going right? 

ME

      My name is Jan Vince Rei D. Zabala, born in Dasmarinas, Cavite on November 22, 1996, raised in Trece Martires City.  My earliest memory would be when I was 5 years old, which was me waking up with half my body on the bed and the other half on the floor, being woken up by the smell of breakfast. Though before I woke up I was dreaming of memories MUCH earlier than that, like when I let go of a balloon and cried when I was 2, or when I cried because I was left alone in the first day of prep when I was 3 or 4. In the first seven years of my life, I was raised by my grandma because most of the time my mom would be at work and my dad would be abroad. I remember my grandma taking me to markets and rocking the hammock until I sleep. I was spoiled and aggressive then, because I remember crying in my moms office for a new toy that I saw on TV, and I remember running away in a market because she didn't want to buy me a toy that I wanted.

      After my 7th birthday, I went abroad with my mom and dad to live in Brazil because "no one would take care of me" if they were gone, so they decided to take me along. Within my 6 years in Brazil, I got to know my parents. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but it wasn't so bad either. They were both Authoritative and Authoritation parents. This resulted into me becoming more of an introvert. I couldn't exactly rebel because I was afraid of consequences. I kept most of my anger and sadness bottled up. Though they did give me certain things that I wanted, there were also times that they didn't, like when I didn't want to go with them to a place but they made me go. I'm actually grateful for that fact because it taught me a bit of discipline in exchange for social skills, since I pretty much have a little of both at present. My parents didn't exactly teach me a specific value, but they molded my personality. The important lessons in life was imparted by my own philosophical outbursts and - believe it or not - video games, especially the ones with a good plot. Though video games provided entertainment, I started to want something every adolescent starts to want: A relationship. I knew I was too young, but I really wanted to have a girlfriend. It was pretty much a dream to have one. I always fell for the ones who would never love me. I never really got rejected, but I FELT rejected. I didn't have any self-esteem to do anything about my love life. In the end, I just decided that it didn't matter, and that my friends were enough.

      After 6 years in Brazil, my parents decided that I would take high school in the Philippines. My dad would stay at Brazil and my mom would go back here and to Brazil. I lived with my sister and my brother for the whole stay in high school. They would serve as my "parents" though they're more permissive. I learned to be more independent and outgoing in high school. During my days in high school, I was exposed to different people, different ideas and thoughts clashing together. I felt the gradual change in me within 4 years. Though the lack of a love life was something I really regret to this day, I still treasure every moment I spent in high school, like the first time I managed to finally blend in to the group, the first time I actually volunteered to something, because I actually enjoyed to do something that I didn't really need to do, and knowing the people that changed me, regardless if it was a good or a bad change. Even though it has only been 6 months since the graduation, I already miss my high school life. I miss the condo that I stayed in for 4 years. I miss the school service that I rode on for 4 years. Most of all, I miss my friends. I had just gotten used to being with them, having them around, and even though it took a while, graduation swept by and just ended it. It felt like an end of an era. I wasn't prepared, and I probably would never be prepared even if they had set high school for 8 years. It was something hard to take, yet I couldn't show weakness. I truly had gone far, and deserved to go to college, yet I never thought I'd be separated from my friends. My parents decided that I'd be studying here in DLSU-D. Dasma. Everyone I know in high school was either going to UST, UP, or Taft. I'm the only one being put to Dasma. I had no way to decline because I couldn't argue with a 7-year-become-a-doctor course. I couldn't argue with me being at my provincial home. If I argued, it'd be too selfish of me to want to be with my friends. I really, really wanted to decline, but in the end, I couldn't. "SAYANG EH."

     At present, I'm staying at Trece, and studying at DLSU-D, Medical Biology Course. I didn't have any objections to the course, since I didn't really want a certain course for myself.

     After discussing the past, I've learned many things as of the moment. I found out that I'm an ambivalent person, I could be both extroverted and introverted. I'm open-minded, though I have a short-temper. I'm awkward most of the time. I'm noisy when it comes to the people I open up with, but I'm shy to the people I don't know. I hate change, particularly status quo changes, because I dislike adapting to changes, but once I'm used to it, then I won't mind. I'm still somehow spoiled, aggressive and impatient, but I try to keep them in check. My only reason for sadness is the lack of a romantic relationship. I grow envious of my blockmates as of late. Sometimes I just can't stand others being happy. Maybe because I wasn't happy. Maybe because I see something in them that I'll never have, but I digress. 

     After a day of dating myself over the weekends, staying at home and watching movies or TV series, I discovered that I could have fun in solitude, yet I didn't really hate or love dating myself. It felt OK. Maybe I was used to being alone like it was some sort of routine, or maybe there's just something about myself that wasn't as entertaining as being with others, or maybe I just got used to being with other people, and I forgot how to approach even myself. In the end, I focused on loving myself. I remember a saying that love starts with yourself before you love someone else, because when you're all alone, the only person you have is yourself, and when you become a doctor, the only thing that you won't be able to save a person from is themselves. Loving yourself is as equally important as physical health. 

     As for my love life, I'm just waiting for the right person, because whenever I try to risk something for someone I like, I end up not getting what I want. Maybe it's just life telling me to wait for the right one, and do what I need to do until then. Though a question lingers: What if the right one was already there, but I didn't notice or I didn't put any effort into being with her? Well maybe she was already there and I just failed to see her, but time will come that I will be able to see the one for me, so I'm waiting for it.

     As far as I know, I do not have a clear idea of what I want and don't want, because the list keeps growing, or shrinking, though there are certain things that I would like to accomplish, like:

1. Make my family and friends proud.
2. Become successful in life.
3. Find someone to start a family with.
4. Achieve my dreams, regardless of impossibility.
5. Leave the world with no regrets.
 

     As for my future, I hope I can accomplish those 5 goals above. In an online tarot card reading, I was told that success was on the way and I had the strength to reach that success. The only thing holding me back was myself and my lack of control. Good fortune was on my way. Surprisingly, the reading felt accurate enough to put me into a good mood. It's always nice to hear a good prediction about your life, but always expect the unexpected.

     After an interview that talked about becoming a doctor, I felt a little more confident. "I can do this." The interview felt like a guide through the 7 years. Though in my mind, I'd like to believe that even if I fail to become a doctor, I would still be able to achieve the 5 goals above. You could say that being a doctor is just a pretty sweet bonus in life, because you don't necessarily have to be a doctor to achieve what you want in life. As long as you're determined to reach those goals, and you're resolute enough to follow a path you've set for yourself that feels right, you'll be able to achieve goals regardless of your career. Your career will either help you or hinder you from your goals. As I said, I don't necessarily want to be a doctor, but I want to if it'll make my life somewhat easier or enjoyable, and so I strive to attain that career, so that it may help me with my own goals in life.

     I hope that within 10 years I'm a doctor, and if not a doctor, a high paying job or a job that I love. I hope that I accomplished one of my 5 goals and I hope I'm in an era of my life where I sincerely smile more often, even if there are tons of problems ahead. 

   
     Dear Me in 10 years,
     
     No matter your job right now, as long as you're happy and making the people we love happy, then mission accomplished! Whatever problems you encounter in your time, remember that we've been through a lot and if you stop now, that's when we truly fail. Remember why you endured and remember all the hardships. All the problems are challenges, and there's no challenge you cannot overcome. All good things in good time.
     Also remember: "You won't get to the ending of a book if you don't turn the page." Reminiscing and remembering the past is good. It helps you reassess yourself and your goals in life, but don't linger in it, or else you won't be able to notice or grab opportunities that might appear in life. Don't let the mistakes of the past hinder you. Use the past to get stronger and to move on. Enjoy the present moment, and whatever happens:

A SMOOTH SEA

NEVER MADE A SKILLED SAILOR

Your past self

STUCK

  I'm back sooner than expected, for non-depressing reasons (yay). After watching 500 Days of Summer, and a small, but meaningful reinforcements from my friend/son and brother, followed by some mixed feelings of laziness and motivation, I'm STUCK between many things. The next paragraph will consist of meaningless drivel. Goodluck!

   I'm stuck in between the idea of letting it all go, and holding on to everything. I'm stuck in between the insecurities that shouldn't even be there, and the courage that tells me that "It's gonna turn out great in the end." I'm stuck in between the great expectations that's fixated in my mind, and the possibility of all of it crashing down to the ground. I'm stuck in between "I can do it", and "I'll screw it up." I'm stuck in between the nightmares that remind me of the consequence of failure, and the dreams of sweet success. I'm stuck in between the depths of despair, and the peak of hope. I'm stuck in between trying to be something meaningful to the world, and something meaningless to it. I'm stuck in between heaven and hell. I'm stuck. I'M. STUCK.

   I'm not really sad about it. It's just so... perplexing. I have no idea what to do, which is actually a healthy thing to admit, but as of the moment, it's just the essence of frustration and confusion. At this point I'm multi-tasking to meet all of the expectations set to me by peers, family, friends, society, the WORLD. It's just asdfghjlkdoainawi. Ugh. I've set my priorities, but I can't seem to follow them. I have subconscious needs that must be met, and I'm just STUCK trying to meet it, because I'm not sure of what I want, while the things I need are slowly slipping away. Yet... Yet something pulls me back. Small glints of hope. Even if it's just a chance at happiness, I'd keep struggling back. The same people that throw me down, make me stand back up. Maybe I want to face the challenge, and maybe there really is something in it for me. As for now, I'm officially STUCK

Things that I never expected

   I thought I'd stop posting here, but no, I guess life has it's way of keeping me here and forcing me to pour my emotions through typing. I'm not really sure where and when to start my explanation of my comeback, but I'll get to the point after some background story-telling. Are you ready? Cause this is some tl;dr post.

   I'm back! I am kind of happy about writing here again. I was planning to do so for a long while now. I was going to share my first month of college, but procrastination always gets me. So now I'm writing because I've bottled up some not-so-pleasant feelings about some not-so-pleasant discoveries. So let's pile it up chronologically.

  I thought I'd end up in UP Manila, but no, I ended up in De La Salle University Dasmarinas. Not what I had in mind, but the 7 years Medical Biology programs isn't so bad, so I decided to suck it up and blaze through 7 years. Couldn't hurt right? Just imagine it as high school for 7 years straight. I was wrong, and yet again, my peers were right. Well academically, I'm doing alright, but regarding the people I'd meet, my brother and sisters (special mention yay) was right. I'd meet the people who'd I consider as true friends there. I did, or at least that's what I'd like to believe. I do hope I've found the right people to be with for 7 long years, and if not, there's a lot of friends to be found. I just really, really hope I don't resort into trying to find them if I'm ever mistaken. Though they warned me about friends, they didn't warn me anything about falling in love or any of the sort, thus I became a victim to the emotion. Here comes the problems.

   So after a few weeks of socializing and barely worrying about 1st Semester Prelims (don't worry, I'm pretty confident that I passed... I hope), I found out that I was dense. I had female friends that actually had a crush on me, but I didn't even notice it, and my crush also had a crush on me, but when she admitted it, it was too late for me to do anything. I didn't exactly feel heartbreak. I felt disappointment. I was disappointed on myself because I was either too blind or too stupid, OR BOTH, to notice it. I just spent 2 hours sighing and "UGH"-ing because of this, and yes I had to write this or else I won't be able to sleep. That's not all though, I'm still doubting if I had found the right friends. When I met them, sure they were fun to be with and I was smiling all the time and we'd joke all the time and have fun, eat together, textbook barkada stuff, but when it came to accepting a side of me they were unfamiliar with, they'd just ignore me, they'd exclude me. Am I the one at fault for getting the used to me smiling and joking all the time? Should I just hide that side of me? FOR 7 YEARS? No. I'm not gonna deceive MYSELF for 7 YEARS. Maybe it was my fault for joining those people. Maybe I'm not open enough. Maybe I should find new friends. All I know is if they really are my friends, they should accept all of me. Not just the part of me that smiles and jokes around. As for now, I'll just see how it goes. I'll just adapt to whatever comes.

   (Shout out to my family and my friends in DLSU Taft, UPM, UST, and wherever!)

   That's it. I hope. I feel better. I do hope someone reads this silent cry for help, even though I might not need it. I'll find a way. I just don't want to be back here for releasing bottled up thoughts. I want to be back here with good news. I want to someday, post something that might spread my happiness. I just hope that day comes. Peace out.


 

Graduation

   Hello guys! Been a while. I had plenty of time to actually post this, and I wasn't really gonna post this until the middle of summer vacation, but here I am, bored and anxious, happy and sad. Tomorrow, or in 16 hours to be more precise, graduation begins, and for past few days we've been practicing for it. Many of use are both happy and sad, 'cause c'mon, we've spent 4 or more years in a school and it's about time for a new venue, yet what would a new venue be without your best friends? It's a horrible feeling, since you're forced to lay out the pros and cons in graduating, and after that you start to realize that it's kind of a fair trade, unless you're emotional and/or clingy, like me, the cons uncomfortably stand out. Well, you finally get to college to chase your dreams and become happy with yourself, but then again how about the people you've spent so much time with? They're gonna chase THEIR dreams, so what now? Feck.

   In regards to that, I'm going to take Medical Biology (yay) in La Salle Dasma. Pretty far from QC. 2-hours far. All of my friends are going to either UST or DLSU, Taft, and some are even going to CSB, Enderun, UP, and here I am at Dasma. Don't misunderstand, it's great and all, but all the friends I made in high school would mean NOTHING. Even if I did "stay in touch" it wouldn't be as effective as truly hanging out together. It's actually a HUGE difference when you hang out in person. Now that I'm isolated from everyone else I became friends with, went through hardships with, GRADUATED with, will those bonds mean nothing now? Even if you disagree with the cliche "No, you'll always be friends no matter how far apart you are," well NO. That. Does. Not. Apply. I'm going to start all over again... I GET TO START OVER AGAIN! <-- Stand-out advantage. Seriously though, all the friends gone? Still not a fair trade. That's just ONE DISADVANTAGE, if I covered all of them, it would be too long... and I'm too lazy to actually enumerate them and this one con is actually my only concern. Smooth.

   On a side note, H.I.M.Y.M. ENDED! I cried. Especially on the part where Robin leaves the party in the apartment. That hit me hard. To think the finale aired near our graduation day. Damn. Even my playlist is screaming "An Ending is a New Beginning" vibe

    Well, I guess that's about it. I'm really excited for graduation, and I'm ready to hang out wildly this summer. It's my last summer with my friends after all. I just hope everything goes well for me and for everyone else from here on out.  I really hope that all my friends don't forget the memories, and if they do, I hope they don't forget the people in those memories. SAYANG kasi. PEACE OUT. CONGRATS BATCH 2013-2014!!!!

Destiny's Agenda

   Today was a fun day! We actually participated in a Challenger Tournament for League of Legends! We didn't exactly reach the finals but it was, nevertheless, an awesome experience. Today was indeed a good day. Compensated a lot for yesterday.

   Yesterday was prom night, in case you were wondering. Yes, it was fun, memorable, and great and all, but it wasn't perfect. It didn't satisfy me because:
1) I expected too much.
2) I had a mind-set.
3) I'm back to square one in terms of being a social person.
 
  I did take a very good friend as a date to prom, and I'm fully conscious that I'm to blame for my own disappointment, but because of reason 1 and 2, it just sucked deep inside to not have anything romantic to happen. It just had to be someone, almost anyone, that would make my heart beat faster. For stupid reasons there's two people that could do that to me, yet I didn't ask them to prom since their answer would obviously the bitter and cold "NO." The perfect prom did not happen to me, but I guess it will just get better from here on out. I HOPE.

  Reason #3 is kind of a sad realization. I realized that no matter how many years pass and no matter how many things you've been through, you could stay in the same "level" of social potential. That night I really felt like after 4 years, I got nowhere. After 4 years nothing changed in me. After 4 years I haven't grown, progressed or learned anything essential or important. After 4 years, I haven't gained anyone's sincere trust or friendship. Am I really getting anywhere?
 
  Then I realized once you think you're close with others, sometimes you're really not. Sometimes you think you have strong bonds with others, but it's just superficial. Once you think you're becoming good friends, nope, not that good. It's not even affected by the time you've spent together with others, it's just what you show on the outside that really matters, no matter how fake your actions, and whatever you try to show from the inside will just count. Then soon forgotten. People see you for what you do, and not really for what you think, obviously. First impressions can change, but second ones lasts forever, and if you mess that up, better give up. It's depressing, and I don't think I can actually live with that realization, even though I unconsciously knew it before. I'm trying though. Another school, another life. I'm betting my hope on that. I'm stepping out of my current circles. I don't belong to them anyways.

    Now, around 40 days remain 'till graduation. I'm almost there. Another beginning. Another roller-coaster in life. Another opportunity to mess up or get up. Another opportunity to happiness. I really hope I can do this. The next page of my destiny's agenda is about to unfold. It's just a matter of time. Another bittersweet chapter in life!

Valentines Realization 2014

   Hello! Happy Valentines! I was thinking of doing this later, or after Valentines, since we have a field trip (OUTBOUND) tomorrow, but I really need to get this out of my chest, and so here I am. Also: Not mentioning names.

  Today was a jam-packed day composed of the Gratitude Day in DBTC Mandaluyong. It was pretty fun. My last Gratitude Day. My last few days with my high school friends and classmates. Holy Sh*t. OKAY I'll save that for another post. Anyways, after the school events, around 12PM, Me and 2 other friends went to meet friends from another school to: 1) Greet them a Happy Valentines Day! 2) Discuss about prom stuff (Also in another post. Cannot delay this). So after all that crap, I didn't have any special girl to greet (although there are some but nahh...). This got me thinking, and by some whim of the human mind, I reached to the point where I was questioning my capability of creating an offspring. Due to my lack of self-esteem, my answer is no. I'm not disappointed though, more like I knew this was coming for me.

  There are four types of love, according to my Christian Living Education subject, which is Agape, Eros, Philia and Storge. Agape is unconditional love, it is also the love that we give to God. Philia is your love for your friends, Storge is your love for family, and Eros is romantic love. I have Storge and Philia. I love my friends and family, but not much on the Agape or Eros. I'm not that religious, really. Eros is kind of a different matter for me. Aside from not having much luck in romance, February 14 has given me a new insight: I'm not going to get a girl anytime soon, and I don't plan to either. Although I really do dream of having one and constantly think of having a girlfriend, I can't fathom having a REAL girlfriend. I can take it but I can't really visualize it. It just feels impossible to have one, yet I'm dying to have one. A good friend of mine would say all I need is confidence, and maybe he's right. I really do need it. Maybe I just need to take that leap of faith or that one-time big-time risk. Though it's true that it's better to take those risks, I just can't convince myself to do so. Oh well.

   That's pretty much it for now. I gotta sleep! I'll be back after prom (next week) and possibly after finals and graduation! See ya!

Back to Square One

  Aaaaand I'm back, for horrible reasons this time. This was supposed to be a happy place for 2014, but I guess you can't have a nice sunshine without a little rain, and for me, it rained. A lot.

  Well today was the 1st day of our fair/foundation week. It was okay. It's not as fun as it was before but to me, the fact that it was boring is pretty acceptable, since I've been through the previous fairs. It's like the relationship of Christmas and growing up : The more you grow up, the less excited you are for it. It was a pretty-okay day. Until I found out something about some friends. Not gonna say who they are or what they did, though I might say something about what they did, and it was something that didn't really fit my standards or "criteria." Since they were friends, it was pretty easy to forgive them, but very hard to accept. It's like I'm back to not knowing how to treat them anymore. The thing they did was pretty "taboo" to my standards. I kind of got a little depressed. A friend of mine told me he wouldn't do it anytime soon. I felt relieved, but the feeling of frustration never left my mind. I'm angry at what he did. At what they did. The feeling sucks.

   To top it all off, I'm confused. Sometimes my friends talk about things I have no idea about, but I could've  been part of it. It's like going back to square one in friendship though it's not really that big of a deal, but I really HATE missing out. The feeling is very, very one-sided so I can't really complain, and the worst part is that the feeling is similar to abandonment but somehow more...stinging...? It's like they hold out a hand to help you up then they let go in the middle. You just fall all over again but you wouldn't want to stand up anymore; you already got tricked, so what's the use of grabbing the hand again? Unfortunately I did grab the hand again. And I fell again. And now I'm glued to the ground. Now I'm waiting for another "helping" hand, yet I know it's gonna keep letting go, so why the hell am I doing this? I'm confused. This sucks. Will this keep happening? Probably. Will I learn? Probably not.

   Life is unfair. Then again it's unfair to everyone, so that makes it fair doesn't it? MIND BLOW.

   There's so much I want to let out right now, but I can't force myself to type everything. I guess this is enough. First month of the year, first rant of the year. I hope this doesn't happen often, and I hope everything just goes away in time. Let me finish this senior year with joy, please.

   See ya guys later.