My name is Jan Vince Rei D. Zabala, born in Dasmarinas, Cavite on November 22, 1996, raised in Trece Martires City. My earliest memory would be when I was 5 years old, which was me waking up with half my body on the bed and the other half on the floor, being woken up by the smell of breakfast. Though before I woke up I was dreaming of memories MUCH earlier than that, like when I let go of a balloon and cried when I was 2, or when I cried because I was left alone in the first day of prep when I was 3 or 4. In the first seven years of my life, I was raised by my grandma because most of the time my mom would be at work and my dad would be abroad. I remember my grandma taking me to markets and rocking the hammock until I sleep. I was spoiled and aggressive then, because I remember crying in my moms office for a new toy that I saw on TV, and I remember running away in a market because she didn't want to buy me a toy that I wanted.
After my 7th birthday, I went abroad with my mom and dad to live in Brazil because "no one would take care of me" if they were gone, so they decided to take me along. Within my 6 years in Brazil, I got to know my parents. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but it wasn't so bad either. They were both Authoritative and Authoritation parents. This resulted into me becoming more of an introvert. I couldn't exactly rebel because I was afraid of consequences. I kept most of my anger and sadness bottled up. Though they did give me certain things that I wanted, there were also times that they didn't, like when I didn't want to go with them to a place but they made me go. I'm actually grateful for that fact because it taught me a bit of discipline in exchange for social skills, since I pretty much have a little of both at present. My parents didn't exactly teach me a specific value, but they molded my personality. The important lessons in life was imparted by my own philosophical outbursts and - believe it or not - video games, especially the ones with a good plot. Though video games provided entertainment, I started to want something every adolescent starts to want: A relationship. I knew I was too young, but I really wanted to have a girlfriend. It was pretty much a dream to have one. I always fell for the ones who would never love me. I never really got rejected, but I FELT rejected. I didn't have any self-esteem to do anything about my love life. In the end, I just decided that it didn't matter, and that my friends were enough.
After 6 years in Brazil, my parents decided that I would take high school in the Philippines. My dad would stay at Brazil and my mom would go back here and to Brazil. I lived with my sister and my brother for the whole stay in high school. They would serve as my "parents" though they're more permissive. I learned to be more independent and outgoing in high school. During my days in high school, I was exposed to different people, different ideas and thoughts clashing together. I felt the gradual change in me within 4 years. Though the lack of a love life was something I really regret to this day, I still treasure every moment I spent in high school, like the first time I managed to finally blend in to the group, the first time I actually volunteered to something, because I actually enjoyed to do something that I didn't really need to do, and knowing the people that changed me, regardless if it was a good or a bad change. Even though it has only been 6 months since the graduation, I already miss my high school life. I miss the condo that I stayed in for 4 years. I miss the school service that I rode on for 4 years. Most of all, I miss my friends. I had just gotten used to being with them, having them around, and even though it took a while, graduation swept by and just ended it. It felt like an end of an era. I wasn't prepared, and I probably would never be prepared even if they had set high school for 8 years. It was something hard to take, yet I couldn't show weakness. I truly had gone far, and deserved to go to college, yet I never thought I'd be separated from my friends. My parents decided that I'd be studying here in DLSU-D. Dasma. Everyone I know in high school was either going to UST, UP, or Taft. I'm the only one being put to Dasma. I had no way to decline because I couldn't argue with a 7-year-become-a-doctor course. I couldn't argue with me being at my provincial home. If I argued, it'd be too selfish of me to want to be with my friends. I really, really wanted to decline, but in the end, I couldn't. "SAYANG EH."
At present, I'm staying at Trece, and studying at DLSU-D, Medical Biology Course. I didn't have any objections to the course, since I didn't really want a certain course for myself.
After discussing the past, I've learned many things as of the moment. I found out that I'm an ambivalent person, I could be both extroverted and introverted. I'm open-minded, though I have a short-temper. I'm awkward most of the time. I'm noisy when it comes to the people I open up with, but I'm shy to the people I don't know. I hate change, particularly status quo changes, because I dislike adapting to changes, but once I'm used to it, then I won't mind. I'm still somehow spoiled, aggressive and impatient, but I try to keep them in check. My only reason for sadness is the lack of a romantic relationship. I grow envious of my blockmates as of late. Sometimes I just can't stand others being happy. Maybe because I wasn't happy. Maybe because I see something in them that I'll never have, but I digress.
After a day of dating myself over the weekends, staying at home and watching movies or TV series, I discovered that I could have fun in solitude, yet I didn't really hate or love dating myself. It felt OK. Maybe I was used to being alone like it was some sort of routine, or maybe there's just something about myself that wasn't as entertaining as being with others, or maybe I just got used to being with other people, and I forgot how to approach even myself. In the end, I focused on loving myself. I remember a saying that love starts with yourself before you love someone else, because when you're all alone, the only person you have is yourself, and when you become a doctor, the only thing that you won't be able to save a person from is themselves. Loving yourself is as equally important as physical health.
As for my love life, I'm just waiting for the right person, because whenever I try to risk something for someone I like, I end up not getting what I want. Maybe it's just life telling me to wait for the right one, and do what I need to do until then. Though a question lingers: What if the right one was already there, but I didn't notice or I didn't put any effort into being with her? Well maybe she was already there and I just failed to see her, but time will come that I will be able to see the one for me, so I'm waiting for it.
As far as I know, I do not have a clear idea of what I want and don't want, because the list keeps growing, or shrinking, though there are certain things that I would like to accomplish, like:
1. Make my family and friends proud.
2. Become successful in life.
3. Find someone to start a family with.
4. Achieve my dreams, regardless of impossibility.
5. Leave the world with no regrets.
As for my future, I hope I can accomplish those 5 goals above. In an online tarot card reading, I was told that success was on the way and I had the strength to reach that success. The only thing holding me back was myself and my lack of control. Good fortune was on my way. Surprisingly, the reading felt accurate enough to put me into a good mood. It's always nice to hear a good prediction about your life, but always expect the unexpected.
After an interview that talked about becoming a doctor, I felt a little more confident. "I can do this." The interview felt like a guide through the 7 years. Though in my mind, I'd like to believe that even if I fail to become a doctor, I would still be able to achieve the 5 goals above. You could say that being a doctor is just a pretty sweet bonus in life, because you don't necessarily have to be a doctor to achieve what you want in life. As long as you're determined to reach those goals, and you're resolute enough to follow a path you've set for yourself that feels right, you'll be able to achieve goals regardless of your career. Your career will either help you or hinder you from your goals. As I said, I don't necessarily want to be a doctor, but I want to if it'll make my life somewhat easier or enjoyable, and so I strive to attain that career, so that it may help me with my own goals in life.
I hope that within 10 years I'm a doctor, and if not a doctor, a high paying job or a job that I love. I hope that I accomplished one of my 5 goals and I hope I'm in an era of my life where I sincerely smile more often, even if there are tons of problems ahead.
Dear Me in 10 years,
No matter your job right now, as long as you're happy and making the people we love happy, then mission accomplished! Whatever problems you encounter in your time, remember that we've been through a lot and if you stop now, that's when we truly fail. Remember why you endured and remember all the hardships. All the problems are challenges, and there's no challenge you cannot overcome. All good things in good time.
Also remember: "You won't get to the ending of a book if you don't turn the page." Reminiscing and remembering the past is good. It helps you reassess yourself and your goals in life, but don't linger in it, or else you won't be able to notice or grab opportunities that might appear in life. Don't let the mistakes of the past hinder you. Use the past to get stronger and to move on. Enjoy the present moment, and whatever happens:
A SMOOTH SEA
NEVER MADE A SKILLED SAILOR
Your past self
