When The Universe Speaks

    Today. Was. Crap. It was supposed to be fun, but it wasn't. When the universe tries to tell you something, it really tries hard, to the point that it f*cks your whole day up.
 
    So today, we had just one, 3 hour class, PSYCHOLOGY. My favorite! Always cheered me up cause if I ever fail from Medical Biology, I'd shift to AB/BS Psychology in a heartbeat. Today's topic was Psychoanalysis, concerning the ego, superego, and id. I learned quite a lot, and suddenly the topic of friend-zone, depression, and suicide kicks in. Our prof explained that the act of friend-zoning someone is just a subtle way of saying "I don't like you, romantically." Strike 1. At first I just laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the class. As the day went by, it began eating me away. Strike 2. After the classes, what was supposed to be the best hangout of the week became the most agonizing 7 hours of my life (spared details). Strike 3, and I'M out.

     For the first 3 hours, I really wanted to go home. the friend-zone thing wasn't eating me away yet, but it got me thinking for a long while. Even though we had to do some projects, I was still in a personal and psychological conundrum. I just HAD to relate today's lesson to my own problems (Sarcasm pls). As you all know, over-thinking is my #1 destructive hobby, and once I start, I won't stop. My mind was just one boiling soup full of sh*t. I wanted to go home and sleep. Forever. Suicide. Death. After that word came into mind, I just stopped thinking.
     Earlier, at psychology class, I was asked to share my experiences with "depression" and "thoughts of suicide." I did share that I had my moments, where death seemed like the sweetest release, but I thought of the people that helped me until today. I answered that as my "experience", though afterwards, I felt like a liar. I wasn't really sure WHY I lived through those past thoughts. I just held on to the saying of "sayang", or "it's not worth it." Though was it really "sayang" or not worth it? My prof even told us that if we decided on killing ourselves, then make sure you leave the world in a useful way, like donating all your blood, or sacrificing yourself for a cause, which I must admit is true, despite the comedic way of inputting it in the lesson. Unfortunately, I couldn't really apply what I learned at that moment in my life, and instead took it on in a darker perspective, which is seeing suicide as a way of saying "I had enough."
   
    Around the 5th hour or so, I was just totally not thinking. I was around my friends, but I was just... there. Occupying space. I didn't want to think about dying or suicide or anything, I was just THERE. I was EXISTING. My mind was empty. If I started to think of anything, it would just lead me back to the topic of suicide. There was something else to think of, but I couldn't focus. I really wanted out. I wanted to go home and just sleep until next week. Sadly, I can't. I have expectations to meet up, and I couldn't afford to do nothing, and yet, we did nothing. I was feeling worthless.

    7th hour and most of us clocked out. I commuted. Friend-zone was in my mind. Back to psychology class. Our prof said that the difference between "busted" and "friend-zone" is that being "busted" means you have no choice; if she doesn't like you, that's it, you're done, but if you get friend-zoned "It's up to you if you want to end it that way." True, but right now, it didn't seem plausible. On the way home I kept thinking about hoping when I knew there was nothing to hope for. It seems that no matter what I do, I keep facing the same problems, and I keep suffering the same pain. I told myself that maybe it was time to move on. It was time to find someone new. Then again, what if there wasn't anyone else? What if after moving on I wouldn't find someone who knew how to love back? The thoughts went on and on until I set foot inside the house. I stopped thinking about it. Right before writing this blog, I speculated that this was all a huge coincidence. Was it? Maybe it's the universe trying to tell me something. SOMETHING RELATED TO SUICIDE, FRIEND-ZONE, AND DEPRESSION? It's either I misunderstood, or I was just over-thinking again. I really hope it's the latter.

     Peace out.