18

  It's official guys, I am, in many ways, legal as of today. 18. Not a bad age, for me at least. As of this day, it's not so bad. Friends and loved ones acknowledging your existence through notifications in Facebook, and your family planning something up to make your name day special. It feels nice to feel special once in a while, especially when your age is in the middle of too young or too old to be celebrated. It's TRUE! When you're young, people get all hyped for your growth. Hitting 2 - 3 years old is an achievement worth of A PARTY. And when you get to 60, 70, 80, 90? PARTY. Anywhere in the middle of that age range just depends on how much your peers love you or how much you want your birthday to be extravagant, but I digress.

   My birthday was still great. It may not be a big bad party, but it was still great to still feel valued or somewhat important. Heck, even friends from half across the globe had time to greet me. Pretty awesome. Since I'm at an age where I really need that sort of thing, it was a big deal for me. Everything was great until 11 PM at night. Something came up that wasn't all that great, and I'm sorry if it's gonna be really vague, but it made me realize something. Well I won't expound much on the something but it goes like "We fall in love with the worst people, only to find out that the best ones are right in front of us." For these past few months, I've been in love with the person that I thought was perfect, but surprise, surprise, they're not. Nobody is. Accept it.

  The quote says "worst" people, and the fact that I thought they were perfect made me expect a lot of things, and those expectations, when crushed by the person that hold them, destroy your image of them. They're not exactly the worst, it's just that your unrequited feelings and strong expectations of them got the best of you, and you got no one to blame but yourself, but of course you wouldn't want that, so you blame the next person involved with those feelings. Well as for the second part of the quote, the best ones are truly right in front of us. That includes your friends and your family. Think of it this way, they've put up with your sh*t for all this time, especially your family, up to the literal sense. At some point in life you'll realize that, and realize it AGAIN, and you'll feel a little guilty with the things you've done. Vicious cycle, but it happens to everyone. Back on topic, your peers are the FRICKING BEST. Don't let go of them EVER, Speaking from a little bit of experience here. Trust me. 

  I did get a rad gift from today, and that is a strong life lesson about love. Don't chase perfect people. They don't exist, and IF THEY DO, they're either taken, hiding something you wouldn't want to know about, or have horrible, horrible personalities that you wouldn't like. If you're looking for someone, maybe you've already met your soul mate, but you just haven't noticed it yet because you were too busy chasing someone who you think is perfect for you. Perhaps you should wait for the right one to appear. Either way, they wouldn't be perfect if they AREN'T with you. It's stupid. It's like they were meant for you, but they can never be yours, so what's the point? It's kinda their choice, so let them be. Unless you got a way to make them reconsider you as a choice, I'll stay confident in following this piece of wisdom. For now, I'm not involving myself in anything that's unimportant. I'll just stick with my current peers and studies. Though sooner or later, I might betray my own little oath, I find solace in the fact that I realized something today, and that today was an awesome day.
Cheers!

Unrequited

So I wrote this an hour before P.E. Class on November 18, and something stupid just happened to me a moment ago; my heart went pumping hard when I saw the girl I love (or loved, I'm still confused about which one) walked by and I realized that maybe I still have these feelings. For her.

  I've read a blog about people wanting closure even though they never had a relationship to begin with; they wanted closure for unrequited thoughts or feelings they never got to express properly, and it eats them away day by day.  If so, maybe that's just what happened.

  I've made a post a while ago about letting go, and it is truly easier said than done. I really thought I was out of the woods on that one, but it just comes back to haunt you. The moment you really think that everything is finally back to normal, and you've somewhat given closure to those feelings, something happens, either simple or grand, that shows you that it's not going to be over for a long while.

 I haven't expressed all of my feelings, and I still feel that I shouldn't. Some things are better left unsaid, and this is one of them. I know I'm going to regret this someday, and I know this is arguably the worst choice, but it's better than not choosing anything at all. Maybe in time, the feelings die out along with the expectations I once had. I'm going to be fine. I just don't know when. 

Letting Go

   Foreword : Not a reference to Frozen. Let's not go there. Also, I made this on November 15. In a car. Whether it is a product of boredom, or teenage ramblings, we may never know. 

   So first off let me quote this...  quote, which goes like "The highest act of love is letting the person go." I agree with the saying, since giving freedom to the person you love is something really selfless and really hard to do, but I never thought I'd be the one letting people go,  and it's easier said than done, that's for sure.

   I need to accept that someday, people I love are going to be out of my reach. People that I once hugged or hung out with are now going to be away forever. The intensity of the friendships will end, and if I meet them again someday, it will be just a ton of catching up, and that's it. Some people will slowly drift away from my portrait of everyday life.

   Maybe it's just me again, afraid of change, but I decided that no matter what I do, I'll always be afraid of the unknown. Maybe I'm just afraid of loss, or maybe I see the loss as a form of rejection. Maybe it's all of these, and the only conclusion I can get from that is that I can't let something go so easily. Acceptance over the loss of something or someone important is too much for me. In retrospect, I was really afraid of loss as a kid. Whether it was a game or a friend or a competition, I always despised loss. I'm probably just running away from my demons all along, though trust me, my demons are pretty invincible in my eyes. I'm not afraid of the demon itself, but I just have no means to vanquish it.

   I know that the solution is staring at me in the face, but I repeat: It's really easier said than done. Even when I repeat "letting go"  in my thoughts, it's just too hard to accept the kind of loss. Maybe it'll just happens once it's lost. Maybe I just need a new hobby, or a girlfriend even, but until I've lost something I cannot take back, I wouldn't know the answer. Time to wait for the inevitable.