I start to write at 1:49 AM, January 1, 2015. Happy New Year! Many would say that this is the first page of 365 more to come in the book of 2015. It's also the year of the goat. Another year of changes to come, challenges to meet, and milestones to reach. Time to sally forth and press on with heads held high.
It's funny how just 365 days ago, I was talking about changes and how it shouldn't affect me. It did. I'm currently at a loss for words as of this moment. Trying to absorb the fact that we're all starting at 1 of 365 all of a sudden, and the fact that being back to square one feels horrible, yet amazing and disorienting, all at once. I've been awake for almost 24 hours because I can't sleep yet. I feel like there were many things I left behind along with that year that I can never, ever, take back. It's like... when you play a game, and before you proceed to the next area of the game, you check every inch of your current area so you don't miss anything, because you might not ever have the chance to go back to your current area ever again. So imagine being forced into the next area. You haven't seen all of the parts from the previous area. And there's this bitter taste in your mouth of what you could have found if you were quick enough, or maybe if you were more thorough with the search. Now you can't go back. Whatever you lost, it's gone for good, because you never found it. Though in hindsight, you don't really need that to complete the game, right? You'll just proceed to the next area, and possibly, search it more thoroughly than the last, and leave happily. Then the regrets starts to recede at the back of your mind, you slowly forget about it and move on. Until the moment you beat the game. After some credits or cut scenes, you get to see how you much you completed the game. Percentage of items obtained, levels reached, milestones achieved... You get to see that you haven't seen everything. This is the part where life can't provide whereas a video game can: the option to retry. Maybe the next run, you'll get all the items, or reach the maximum level. Except that in life, you can't.
Even "YOLO" is appropriate in this context. We're not really sure what happens what happens after death, because no one ever really lived to tell the tale (BADUM-TSSSSS), which justifies the fact that we need to make this one life count. No more crying because of spilled milk, or holding grudges over what happened when and why, even if your back is against the wall and there is possibly no way of things getting better, that's when you make a comeback, that's an opportunity to achieve things, that's another bullet for another shot. Life's too short to wonder about who did what because of who. Do something productive. Do your homework even. Do something that makes you happy. Do something that makes other people happy, even if it's your enemies. It doesn't matter how hard life brings you down to the ground. Though if you plan on staying on the ground, make sure that the moment you get up, you'll keep walking forward.
Maybe next year, I'll look back to this post, and laugh, or cry. By then it won't matter. Because I'm already a step ahead, and there's no turning back from there. Time won't wait for anyone.
Don't worry, be happy. Enjoy the moment. The world is my oyster. Whatever Happens, Happens. Live It Out. Cogito Ergo Sum.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Moving on, for real this time
I've finally been there and done that, and yes it's the friend-zone, but there are certain things that I didn't expect would happen to me, but before that, I'm gonna give a vague back-story whilst playing the pronoun game.
So for the whole 1st Semester of my Freshman Year, I've been desperate for a girlfriend, and I'm not ashamed of it, because after college, or even in the middle of it, I'd be too busy building up for my career and studies, so if I'm gonna have some fun, it's going to be this year. But instead of fun, I've been subjected to the friend-zone, and so deep in the friend-zone, something like SUPER MEGA ULTRA BEST FRIEND ZONE, that it hurt. I couldn't tell the girl I fell in love with about what I felt, because I know that rejection was her only choice, and it would ruin our friendship, so I didn't bother, and acted that it was fine. It didn't take long for my own hopes and expectations to finish me up and get me really depressed, yet I couldn't exactly impart those emotional dilemmas to anyone, not even my friends, because I knew it wouldn't help, yet at some point, I still managed to break the rules I set for myself, and friend by friend, I started 'fessing up. I couldn't take the heavy emptiness welling up in me, and so I told it to some friends.
It started to feel nice, to just talk about how you feel. It's like sharing a load, and you know they'd carry it with you a little, and even if not all of the weight is relieved from you, at least it was less than what you had a while ago; it's lighter than before. Although it helped to share your little problems with others, even the remaining weight you had after you've distributed several parts of it to others will start to feel heavy. There are still some doubts and fears left that will start to grow back into what it once was, and eventually, not even just sharing your problems will be enough. Soon you'll start blaming the person you fell in love with, and you start to hate that person for a while, or you'll even just try to ignore her for as long as you can, maybe avoid contact or even looking at that person. All of those methods, ineffective. You keep hoping that a miracle comes, but even you know that no such thing will save you from the void that approaches you, only to be dispelled by the false sense of hope when she suddenly talks to you again, only to be reminded that you're still in the friend-zone, and the cycle goes on. I've been on that cycle. I had started blaming her for my own demise without her knowing that I had this artificial grudge. Though seeing as I couldn't just hate her without a reason, I just started ignoring her. I just acted like we were strangers, as if everything we had done together was just an illusion, as if we've never met before, never shared a moment together. She started to notice, she told our friends, our friends told me, and I was torn. Was she missing me as a friend or as something else? All my stupid little hopes just received a jump start and deep inside I cried, knowing that this will just be a start of another cycle, and all of my choices were irrelevant of what the outcome was. It took me a while to convince myself to talk to her, and yet I did. We talked as if nothing ever happened, shared laughs like we always did. It was nice, and I didn't even think of that cycle happening, I just enjoyed my time with her. That's when I finally felt like I took a step on breaking the damned cycle, I was moving on. I didn't know how, but talking to her just made me feel happy, and I didn't crave her as much as I did in the past. It felt liberating. Just all those one-sided emotional attachments gone. I didn't know why, but I wasn't completely content, but for that moment in my freshman year, I felt awesome.
On the day before yesterday, I was willing to let the year end on an "okay" note. I couldn't have done anything to change my current situation, so I kept hanging on the truth that everything will end, good or bad. I was still hoping for a miracle. A miracle that might just save me from this anticlimactic ending. What I got was something better.
A friend of mine, which also happens to be a friend of the girl I liked, asked me how I was doing with the girl, and I told her "Parang... Wala lang, tinitignan ko lang siya as maganda, pero hindi ko na ginugusto" (Nothing... I just see her as a pretty face, but I don't like her in that way anymore [Screw direct translationsssssss]) She slapped me, saying that I was lying and said "Wag ka nang umasa kasi alam mo namang wala kang maabot diyan. Sinasabi ko na sayo kasi mahal kita." (Stop hoping, because you know that you won't get anything out of it. I'm saying this because I love you.) Don't get the message wrong, we're really platonic, me and this friend of mine, The part where she says I love you was pretty routine, but it kinda gave the "oomph" in that message. She gave me this final kick for that get-over-it-you'll-be-fine effect to go off, and it did. I felt complete. It's much more different when someone else tells you to give up instead of telling it to yourself. Though it did sound like a sad thing to say, it was OK.
So a few days went by, and today was the last day of school for 2014. I met up with the girl who F-Zoned me with one of our friends. We just hung out and had some fun. Talked about random things and just enjoyed the day. Even though sometimes she talked about a guy she's currently loves, or has loved, it didn't sting. I accepted the fact that I would never be anything special to her, because she'll never see me that way, but accepting that fact opened up a new perspective: I'll always be a friend she could rely on. I could fulfill a role that could be close to what I wanted. There was no point in forcing to what I exactly wanted, so I settled for the immediate second best. It sounds sad but a discovery kept me going: You never, ever, get over a relationship, you only accept its loss. You'll never forget what transpired in those moments of your life that made you depressed, or furious, or broken. You only accept that it happen to you. You find the closure you need to move on to the next chapter, and you remind yourself that you need to turn that page to find out what happens next. You won't settle for anything lower than real closure, and if you do try to make yourself comfortable in assuming certain facts, doubts will eat you away and your problem will be back, stronger than ever. The truth is painful, but it sets you free. Things that happened in the past STAYS in the past. Unfortunately, AND FORTUNATELY, it stays there. If there's nothing you can do about it, then why bother crying about it? I know that many would argue with "Easier said than done", and it's not. You just have to take a little action. If you want things to be different, you'll have to do something different. If you did put some effort into things, and it still doesn't go well, then you're on the wrong track. Start with something else, and if you kept trying new things and none of them worked, then wait for something to happen. There are just so many methods, and each works better than the other for different people. Just find what works for you. Remember that if it's meant for you, it'll stay in your life. It might go away for a while, but if it was destined to be, then it'll come back to you.
As for me, I'm just gonna turn to the next chapter. I may find something new, or rediscover something old, but the highlight is that I could progress to the next page of my life. Change is good when things start getting too repetitive. Hopefully, this chapter is filled with discoveries less painful than this one, or maybe it's a sequel to the lesson. I eagerly await as time's hands slowly turn the fractions of the book of my life. I'm going to wait for things to unfold, and when it does, I'll be ready.
So for the whole 1st Semester of my Freshman Year, I've been desperate for a girlfriend, and I'm not ashamed of it, because after college, or even in the middle of it, I'd be too busy building up for my career and studies, so if I'm gonna have some fun, it's going to be this year. But instead of fun, I've been subjected to the friend-zone, and so deep in the friend-zone, something like SUPER MEGA ULTRA BEST FRIEND ZONE, that it hurt. I couldn't tell the girl I fell in love with about what I felt, because I know that rejection was her only choice, and it would ruin our friendship, so I didn't bother, and acted that it was fine. It didn't take long for my own hopes and expectations to finish me up and get me really depressed, yet I couldn't exactly impart those emotional dilemmas to anyone, not even my friends, because I knew it wouldn't help, yet at some point, I still managed to break the rules I set for myself, and friend by friend, I started 'fessing up. I couldn't take the heavy emptiness welling up in me, and so I told it to some friends.
It started to feel nice, to just talk about how you feel. It's like sharing a load, and you know they'd carry it with you a little, and even if not all of the weight is relieved from you, at least it was less than what you had a while ago; it's lighter than before. Although it helped to share your little problems with others, even the remaining weight you had after you've distributed several parts of it to others will start to feel heavy. There are still some doubts and fears left that will start to grow back into what it once was, and eventually, not even just sharing your problems will be enough. Soon you'll start blaming the person you fell in love with, and you start to hate that person for a while, or you'll even just try to ignore her for as long as you can, maybe avoid contact or even looking at that person. All of those methods, ineffective. You keep hoping that a miracle comes, but even you know that no such thing will save you from the void that approaches you, only to be dispelled by the false sense of hope when she suddenly talks to you again, only to be reminded that you're still in the friend-zone, and the cycle goes on. I've been on that cycle. I had started blaming her for my own demise without her knowing that I had this artificial grudge. Though seeing as I couldn't just hate her without a reason, I just started ignoring her. I just acted like we were strangers, as if everything we had done together was just an illusion, as if we've never met before, never shared a moment together. She started to notice, she told our friends, our friends told me, and I was torn. Was she missing me as a friend or as something else? All my stupid little hopes just received a jump start and deep inside I cried, knowing that this will just be a start of another cycle, and all of my choices were irrelevant of what the outcome was. It took me a while to convince myself to talk to her, and yet I did. We talked as if nothing ever happened, shared laughs like we always did. It was nice, and I didn't even think of that cycle happening, I just enjoyed my time with her. That's when I finally felt like I took a step on breaking the damned cycle, I was moving on. I didn't know how, but talking to her just made me feel happy, and I didn't crave her as much as I did in the past. It felt liberating. Just all those one-sided emotional attachments gone. I didn't know why, but I wasn't completely content, but for that moment in my freshman year, I felt awesome.
On the day before yesterday, I was willing to let the year end on an "okay" note. I couldn't have done anything to change my current situation, so I kept hanging on the truth that everything will end, good or bad. I was still hoping for a miracle. A miracle that might just save me from this anticlimactic ending. What I got was something better.
A friend of mine, which also happens to be a friend of the girl I liked, asked me how I was doing with the girl, and I told her "Parang... Wala lang, tinitignan ko lang siya as maganda, pero hindi ko na ginugusto" (Nothing... I just see her as a pretty face, but I don't like her in that way anymore [Screw direct translationsssssss]) She slapped me, saying that I was lying and said "Wag ka nang umasa kasi alam mo namang wala kang maabot diyan. Sinasabi ko na sayo kasi mahal kita." (Stop hoping, because you know that you won't get anything out of it. I'm saying this because I love you.) Don't get the message wrong, we're really platonic, me and this friend of mine, The part where she says I love you was pretty routine, but it kinda gave the "oomph" in that message. She gave me this final kick for that get-over-it-you'll-be-fine effect to go off, and it did. I felt complete. It's much more different when someone else tells you to give up instead of telling it to yourself. Though it did sound like a sad thing to say, it was OK.
So a few days went by, and today was the last day of school for 2014. I met up with the girl who F-Zoned me with one of our friends. We just hung out and had some fun. Talked about random things and just enjoyed the day. Even though sometimes she talked about a guy she's currently loves, or has loved, it didn't sting. I accepted the fact that I would never be anything special to her, because she'll never see me that way, but accepting that fact opened up a new perspective: I'll always be a friend she could rely on. I could fulfill a role that could be close to what I wanted. There was no point in forcing to what I exactly wanted, so I settled for the immediate second best. It sounds sad but a discovery kept me going: You never, ever, get over a relationship, you only accept its loss. You'll never forget what transpired in those moments of your life that made you depressed, or furious, or broken. You only accept that it happen to you. You find the closure you need to move on to the next chapter, and you remind yourself that you need to turn that page to find out what happens next. You won't settle for anything lower than real closure, and if you do try to make yourself comfortable in assuming certain facts, doubts will eat you away and your problem will be back, stronger than ever. The truth is painful, but it sets you free. Things that happened in the past STAYS in the past. Unfortunately, AND FORTUNATELY, it stays there. If there's nothing you can do about it, then why bother crying about it? I know that many would argue with "Easier said than done", and it's not. You just have to take a little action. If you want things to be different, you'll have to do something different. If you did put some effort into things, and it still doesn't go well, then you're on the wrong track. Start with something else, and if you kept trying new things and none of them worked, then wait for something to happen. There are just so many methods, and each works better than the other for different people. Just find what works for you. Remember that if it's meant for you, it'll stay in your life. It might go away for a while, but if it was destined to be, then it'll come back to you.
As for me, I'm just gonna turn to the next chapter. I may find something new, or rediscover something old, but the highlight is that I could progress to the next page of my life. Change is good when things start getting too repetitive. Hopefully, this chapter is filled with discoveries less painful than this one, or maybe it's a sequel to the lesson. I eagerly await as time's hands slowly turn the fractions of the book of my life. I'm going to wait for things to unfold, and when it does, I'll be ready.
Monday, December 15, 2014
________
- I can't think of a title, so...
- I do not want to make paragraphs right now :(
- 10 days until Christmas!
- I'm severely confused on the current events that my life has unfolded unto me.
- I'm less depressed than before, but even more confused than I used to be.
- Existential Crisis Swings
- Do you know what feeling when you just want to stop existing for a day just to unwind everything and start fresh? Too bad I can't.
- I'm worried because a friend of mine loves to blog in lists, and I'm doing it right now. Sorry, bro.
- I have no idea what to type but I'm just gonna type stuff. Raspberries.
- I hate it when I have a clear idea what to write, but when I start typing it up, I forget it all. Dammit.
- Do you ever get that feeling that you'll never be as happy as you were before because of certain things you did and certain things you didn't, and even though it's not entirely your doing, your choices in that point of time made it so, and now there's nothing you can do about it but accept it and move on, knowing that you'll never be as happy as you were? Yep.
- Sorry, that took a dark turn, but I'm going to try and compensate with a random word
- Sorry, but I couldn't think of a random word. Bananas.
- Do you ever get that feeling where you're so anxious and confused that your mind just passes by every random sh*t it encounters within your memories and knowledge and your brain stops throbbing and you can't stop your mind from going nuts, and then all the stress and problems just hit you all at once, and bang, your mind is blank and all you can say is "Wat"
- That totally happened a while ago.
- College is getting really boring, if not depressing and/or irritating. 7 more years of this is just gonna end up making me crazy.
- I. Really. Miss. High School.
- What if I ended up in another college? Maybe...
- Oh well, time to stop imagining. No use.
- Escapism, good ol' habit.
- Christmas Break I need youuuuuuuuuuuu.
- I still need to vent out something, but I forgot.
- I'll be back on Xmas Eve~ DFTBA.
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