The Reacharound

   So it's been awhile, and it's 16 days before Christmas. I'm still a little stressed and a little relieved. A little afraid and a little excited for whatever's ahead. A little bit of "give me time to prepare", and a little "bring it on". A meekness thirsting for adventure, and an excitement seeking repose. The future is full of possibilities, and that in itself is enough for a hybrid of emotions. Something like dreaded excitement, or whatever. Enough rambling for now, let's get to it.

   After an exhausting day at school, an epiphany hit me so hard, I forgot my handkerchief in the jeep (woops). I guess life is much more accurate than a roller coaster, than it is anything else, because aside from the ups and downs, and how it's all a "ride" for everyone, we also can't get off of it. So we just ride off into the same curves and loops. I'm not sure how long does it take to complete one "go" on our figurative roller coasters, but I do know that once you get bored the way things are, that's when you know you've been on the same track for who knows how many laps, but if you haven't gotten bored yet, maybe you're still just enjoying the ride without even trying. This is proven by the fact that the first try on the roller coaster, either literal and figurative, feels like it happened so fast right after the first lap.
   
   You sit on the real/mental roller coaster, and your heart is just pounding. You're buckled up to the seat, and you get ready for the ride. Your mind is filled with all of the possibilities, but it starts moving. Your mind draws blank as you start to go higher and higher, and then, when you least expect it, you go full speed.You were just bombarded with information and sights that just whizzed past you, and you're not exactly sure what you saw, but it was one hell of a ride. Your second lap, you're still kind of excited, yet you have more control over the flight and fight response of screaming your lungs out. You're able to glance at how high you get and how fast you go relative to the things around you. The sudden steep drop still seems enjoyable, but a little less than before. Every next lap is an increase in control of your senses, and a decrease in your anxiety and excitement. It's like being conditioned to adapt to the repeating circumstance, requiring you to spend less energy on a repeated task. That's your everyday. You will at some point get bored. You'll start to try to look at things at a different perspective just to see if you feel anything different along the same curve or loop, and luckily you will, but at some point, you won't. The same problems, or in this case the same drops, would just re-haunt you for another little scare, but you'll find another, similar solution to it, like you always did. We're all just looping every problem we have in a different form.

   In that perspective, life seems a little frivolous, because that would just insinuate that we're not getting past our original problems, and we're just delaying their return, but in a sense, we're also getting better at beating them back again, so maybe it isn't all pointless. Rediscovering how to enjoy the ride again may help, and you don't always have to look with your eyes to see. Maybe some parts of the rides can change later on, or even stay exactly the same if you want it to. In the end, we'll never know for sure, and perhaps it's meant to stay that way.

   Not even the universe would want to spoil a good surprise.

Goof

   This sembreak has been the beeeeest thing that has ever happened in this year. I swear. I haven't felt so relaxed while being so tired of hanging out. As if every emotional baggage that existed just disappeared. It felt awesome. All it took was a great hangout with some great people. Now back to some ramblings.

    I know I've been talking about boredom and sort-of-depression for a while ago, but I realized something after watching too many YouTube videos, and playing too many of the same games and hanging out with the same people for a long while, and listening to the same damn songs for months: You grow out of it. It's kind of like those cartoons you've watched when you were a kid. Sure, the shot of nostalgia is great, and having peers around that feel the same is awesome, but you won't really come back and watch the whole thing all over again. You've grown out of it. You crave a different thing now, something new, something right for your age, something you couldn't have then and you can get now. The proof is in the hypothetical situation wherein you could only watch a channel which has those educational lessons for kids, forever, but you would be aware that there are better TV shows and channels, but you don't have access to them, and you'd only see glimpses of them from time to time in your every day life. Of course you'd start to get bored of the damn baby show channels, cause you know there's something better out there, hence the tediousness of watching what you used to. Though this "growing out of" isn't just limited to material things. There's feelings, or even people that you grow out of. You're tired of feeling this, and so you change by doing or being something else. You're tired of the same crowd and so you hang out with some other people. In the end, you just want the best for yourself on every aspect in your life, whether or not you're conscious of those wants, your whole being will work towards it slowly.

    But what about things like true love and best friends? What about the things you truly enjoy? There's a special type of "Growing out of" for that, which is goofing. It's an indescribable love for something or someone that doesn't fade, and stands the test of time, indefinitely. For example, I goof off of video games, always. and there's sleep, which I'll never grow tired of doing, pun intended. There are certain things in life that will become something you'll goof on, because it's what you truly enjoy. I guess you only grow out of different things, because you're instinctively trying to find something to truly goof on. That's also probably why there are some sayings that tell you to love everything or everyone, because the more things you goof on, the better your life would be. Despite of what goof really means, literally, on the dictionary, it's honestly a great thing. Who wouldn't want to goof around something they love?

   With all that said, I've probably been growing out of tons of things. So I guess, in that perspective, boredom isn't all that bad. It really is just a phase, as per usual, but I guess everything is right? There really won't be a lot to worry about if you're just gonna grow out of all the problems. Just make sure you get to goof off sometimes.

Respite, but not really

   1st Semester of the 2nd year, DONE. Enrollment soon, and a dumb standardized exam in November.

   To think that it's already the end of October. Everything is set to go. 2016 just around the corner. I'm almost 20, holy crap I'm an adult. This feels wrong. I'm not even ready for this. I'M ALMOST 20.

   A lot has happened, I'm too tired to specify, and I binged on Scott Pilgrim because it seems totally relatable right now. I'm Scott Pilgrim, romantically, and I'm like devouring Homestuck at the rate I'm reading it, and I forgot where I was going with this and I usually do go to something like a problem, but I can't... 'cause there... isn't really any problem right now. There isn't. This feels weird. Maybe it's something like a soldier experiencing PTSD after returning from war. By war, I meant school. PosT-Sem Disorder. Nailed it.

   I'm so used to having at least a problem that maybe I need one to function properly. Sadly, as I get used to R&R, 2nd Sem would just pop-up and ruin the mini-vacation. (UGHHHHH) But I think I'm getting a hang of all this. Like everything is working like a machine and you just gotta do your part. Clockwork. But this weird Post-sem disorder is just an itch I can't get rid of. I don't know the source, or maybe I do but I'm just too lazy to write whatever lead up to this PTSD. It's actually a long story, and it wouldn't be a long story if I just wrote every piece of it here, but that would make this blog more of a diary than a journal, though at this point what's the difference? To sum it up, it's all an internal strife of existentialist BS, mixed with terrible, if not asinine, consequent mistakes that would eventually confuse me as to my relationships with anyone and everyone around me. It's vague, but not wrong. It's all followed up by the constant fear of the future and the daily reminder of the inevitability of change, so no biggie.

   But enough about that for at least A MONTH. This is the big break of the year. Time to reorganize myself to jump right back at it. Which I'll probably cram until the last day of the sembreak. Hopefully this weird feeling isn't really a problem that's trying to remind me that it exists at the back of my mind. I really hope it's just PTSD. Hopefully it's just boredom. Worst case scenario, it's a problem, and I'll have to deal with it. Which doesn't sound that bad. Huh. Then, no problem. Whatever happens, happens, then.

   No nuggets of knowledge this time. Just relaxation, flowing through life, getting through sh*t. That's all there is. I'll have plenty of time to stress over things and figuratively poop out little wizdomz when the second semester starts.

   

Statue

   Change is inevitable. I have always emphasized that, and it's one of the few reasons why I write. Though I've come to terms with it not too long ago, it's always unpleasant, or even painful, to see how things broke off from what things used to be. There's no use crying over spilled milk, but the fact that something was wasted still eats at you. You won't cry, but at the very least, it will be something to think of later on.

   It's a lot like looking at a statue that you've known ever since you were born, but no one ever thought cleaning it up or fixing it later on, letting the environment change it. Many times you'll glance at it, seeing it as a whole, as it originally was, and reality reminds you that: "No, that's not how it is anymore." Almost immediately, you'll be snapped out of the flashbacks and you'll start to notice how the statue has been weathered after being out in the open for so long, and how it's missing some if it's fingers or even the whole hand. You'll notice cracks on certain parts and stains on the other. Like it was a shadow of its former appearance. The changes you see in life could be seen by the pieces broken off of what your life once was. As the wind chips off the smaller, weaker parts of the statue, so does the changes in your life. Though in a perspective of wholeness, every part is valuable to the whole, so no matter how little breaks off, we're never "just okay" with things, and the moment we see the little pieces that were once part of us, the pieces we once thought we would never let go of, it hurts. Though we love the beauty of consistency and completeness, but we also need to learn to love the concept of how beauty is easily lost. It's how we move on.

   Though we may not be statues, our lives make a great form of art. Unfortunately the final output isn't what you'd expect it to be, and many ideas and parts are going to be discarded. Your original view of what should be would never fit with what you want it to be, and when all is said and done, sometimes we'll have regrets and we won't always have do-overs. It's those pieces that would never fit well anymore with us that we long for the most, because it's impossible to. We long for things we can never have. What about the things we can fix? We could easily try bring back what once was. It's never too late or too wrong to bring back things that we once grew accustomed to, but at what cost? It's only a matter of time before change swings by. You could preserve a statue indoors. You could avoid change by not trying at all. In the end, no one will be able to appreciate the statue, and a life not lived isn't worth anything at all.

   Ultimately, we ride the current of change, whether we like it or not. Then all that's left to do is like it. After all, it's just easier that way.

   

Pledge

   I keep a ".txt" file which contains dates of several occasions of heartbreak and heart-throb, or even special days wherein I get an epiphany, or a sad realization. Today was worthy of an entry, except instead of putting the events of what happened, I decided to make this post, and put the name of that post for the date today.

   So what happened today? A lot of things, some of which were typical or cliche, but nevertheless contribute to the whole that inspired me to make this post. I'm not going to elaborate on the event themselves, but on what they made me think of, which is my love life, which is officially going into a hiatus for 1 year.

   18 years. 18 years is enough years of trying. It's enough to back-up a wake-up call which says "That's enough for now, focus on something else." I feel like I've hit a point of growth which needs this self-reassurance post to be felt or for the growth itself to take effect. I'm positive that this is the path I have to take, but it's not a definite path. I'm going to focus solely on doing my duties and responsibilities with a little procrastination on the side. I'm going to stop being a hopeless romantic for as long as I can, or for as long as I find someone to give me a reason to believe again. I'm going to stop romanticizing life, as if every fictional book mentally prepared me for it. I'm going to take romantic ventures out of my priorities. I'm going to stop following my heart because of a pretty face or a beautiful voice. I'm going to stop hoping on the impossible, and prepare for the inevitable. I'm going to have to chastise my mind until I've completed the goals I've set for myself. I'm going to quit chasing something I've been dreaming of for years. Like the adventurers searching for the fountain of youth, I quit. I have reached the point where the quote "before you leave, remember why you started" begin to fade it's meaning. I will stop the senseless pursuit of happiness. I will let it chase me instead. I'm tired of how things are. That's all there is.

   I'm betting this pledge lasts a year. But for the sake of my sanity, I hope it lasts for a lifetime.

When You're Too Far Up

   So it's been a while. I felt like nothing I'd post after the 50th would be anything good in comparison, but then again it's a blog, not a book. 

   So far, things have been good. The good kind of good. The good you don't get tired of being exposed to. It's a nice break from all the ups and downs of life's roller coaster. But am I really out of the roller coaster? I'm always pondering if I'm sacrificing anything of great value with the decision of constantly being good. Obviously, I'm sacrificing the chance to be great, to be better. So we're never out of the ride, except... it's not much of a roller coaster. We're walking on a tightrope.

    I'm pretty sure that the roller coaster analogy works most of the time, but when you consider every factor in, not just your happiness or sadness, a tightrope or something similar would be more accurate. I mean, think about it. Keeping perfect balance at all times. If too much weight is on one side, you'll fall. You have to balance everything. But that's not all, balance won't always guarantee safety; you're still on the rope, who knows how high up. So you need to walk. You need to progress, move forward. Two things: balance and forward movement. Sounds easy right? In reality, you need to balance both too. Make sure you're not just balancing, make sure you're moving too. Be aware that moving too fast will make you lose your balance, and eventually you'd fall. It's not much of a gamble, more of self-discipline and self-consciousness. Though we won't necessarily plunge to our deaths the moment we make a mistake. You could say we all have a safety net, but let's not rely on it too much, because at some point in time, there won't be anything else to catch you but the cold, hard ground, so don't get used to making mistakes.

   You take a deep breath. You take the first few steps. They're always the easiest, because you still have the option to back out, a chance to redo while you can. But you don't. You keep walking. Keeping your balance at all times. You try to keep your eyes towards the end. Keeping your balance. Trying not to lose focus, trying not to think of anything that would otherwise make you shake or make you tremble or hesitate for a second. You keep going. You remind yourself.

   Chin up. Don't look down. 

Redefining the self

   One thing I learned from all the recollections I've had in my student life, is that it's important to look back, and so look back we shall. I can already tell this is going to be f*cked up, but whatever, let's do this.

   Alright, basics first. My name is... well you know. I'm 18, soon to be 19, 2nd year student of a 3-year pre-med course. I'm introverted to a point. I'm usually silent, but in a classroom, or a seminar or whatever event, I'm noisy. You'd notice how loud I laugh or even snicker. I'm also a little too loud even when we're whispering. Even though I just interpreted myself as a speaker, I'm more of a listener. I want you to talk about you, and to not be afraid of talking about yourself with me, and it won't matter if I know you or not, but beware I have a twisted sense of humor, but that doesn't mean I won't enjoy "basic" humor. I play video games, "a lot" would be an understatement, cause I've been playing ever since I was 4 or 5. When I was small, my dad would hate it when I'd frown, so he'd always tell me to smile, even though I wouldn't, cause most of the time they'd force me to come to some event, and I preferred staying in the house more than anything else, so now, wherever I go, or whenever I'd speak in a place outside my comfort zone, I'd smile. Force of habit. I love music, but I have varying tastes. I don't have a definite favorite genre, but there are some songs which just clicks well with with me. Though I was always a sad kid. You could say depressed, but I think that if I was depressed all this time, I wouldn't be here, doing this. I don't know why I'm usually sad. Maybe I never really get what I want, even though I reassure myself that I don't need things I can't have, the kid in me just throws a silent tantrum, or maybe it's because I'm really, really moody, so  become sad. Fortunately, it's easy to make me happy. Easier even. Food, games, a horrible joke, or just try. I'm sure it'll work.  I'm also lazy, but if I need to do something, and I mean NEED it, I'll do it, otherwise, I'll either forget it or do it later... MUCH later.
 
   You could call me hopelessly romantic, I get sad when I'm lonely, just like everyone else, but it wears off after a laugh or internet connection. Sometimes I care too much about others, and there is no moment that I don't really care about others unless it's a choice I make, but generally I'm just a really, really, really weird kid with tons of nerdy references, dark humor, with a little too much of green. I leave terrible first impressions that last a decade, and hopefully, if we ever meet, you'd not judge by my horrible approaches. I love to learn, but I just... hate the idea of school. Hell, I have an African friend that just described his university life at.. if I'm not mistaken, Ghana, and his life was AWESOME. His university life's theme was literally FREEDOM AND FUN. No uniforms, no need of wearing your damn ID, and everyone was independent. There was still studying and classes, but it was your discretion on what to do, and I think that's what most countries need to instill on their students: Reponsible Independence, but I won't get carried away about that for now. I wouldn't call myself smart... I'm probably just lucky. REALLY lucky. I also love to sleep, which is something I've recently discovered about myself in my college life. I have recently come to hate socializing, since now it drains me every day, but it depends on the people. Unlike in high school, that would be the highlight of the day. I guess I'm not used to being exposed to a new crowd every 6 months or so. I think I'm generous, but as always it depends. Materialistically, if you really need it, I'll give it to you, but if you don't, well, my friend, too bad. Regarding my emotional generosity, it would... still depend. Well crap. I guess the moment I snap or realize my own needs, I'll swipe it off your hands, but on any other circumstance, it's yours for the taking. Take my happiness, I mean. It could be the last pizza slice, or the last copy of a game, whatever, but generally, if you take it first, it's yours, but if I get my hands on it first, depending on how I really need it, I might even give it to you instead.

  My beliefs are mercurial. I'll believe on what I want, the moment I need it, or the moment it reveals itself to me. Sometimes I'd leave it up to destiny, sometimes I carve up my own path, at times I'm extremely hopeful, and later on I'd be at the depths of despair, but it all just depends on my mood, and because of the moodiness. I'm almost always a hypocrite, though I usually notice it by going against my past word, but we're probably all hypocrites at some point anyways, and maybe I'm just too self-aware. I guess you can call it social anxiety, though if it was social anxiety, it wouldn't be that severe. I guess it's just the fear of being ridiculed or made fun of, or even being in the center of attention. I cringe at talking to a crowd, though I'm slowly getting used to it. The grading system demands.
 
   Recollections usually have some inspiring ending, but that's because almost all of them are in a religious setting, triggering your intrinsic hope with the use of catechism. Then there we go, the lack of faith. It's actually okay for me, though I think that things would've been different  if I was raised in a more religious setup. Maybe I would've been happier, in a sense that I'd have this rope I could cling to, which would be faith to an omni-benevolent being, but I would probably be less open minded. In the end, the reality is that I was raised this way, and if I can't change that, then so be it. At least I know in myself that my mind is a scientific one, though it's a mind that sometimes lack common sense. I make the stupidest mistakes sometimes, it's purely disappointing, but I gotta have a unique character trait right? Unfortunately it just had to be a shitty one, but I digress.

   Regardless of misfortunes and let-downs, I'm still looking forward to whatever I can uncover about myself. Recently I've been feeling stagnant. As if I'm not growing to become better than before, so maybe I'm already the best, but I just haven't discovered those "best" parts of me. I'm exactly like our planet. I'm slowly getting polluted, but I'm pretty sure every living thing in me is doing it's best to revert that (I hope). Some parts of me are just beautiful and majestic, but they're hard to find if you don't know where to look. Lastly there's just this deep, vast ocean. I'm constantly getting deeper, neither drowning nor wanting to go back up, constantly swallowed deeper and deeper, and I have no clue what's at the bottom, and I guess that's my goal right now. To get to the bottom of myself. To be able to answer "Who am I" with less words, hopefully much less than this whole post.

   I want to find something about myself that just validates me wholly. But there is no single word for it as of the moment. There's only this bulk of a post. At every recollection, there's always that end of the day mindset you get, and for me... I guess this is it. I'm going to find me, slowly but surely, and I guess I should've noticed this sooner. We all grow up slowly learning about the world, but then at some point, we'll see ourselves in the shadows of other people, and then form this journey of introspection.

   No mount of diverse quotes and advice can prepare me for this journey. We'll hear what we want to hear and see what we want to see when we want it. Until the time I see and hear what I want, I'll keep going.

 

Ear Drugs

So tonight, the way back home was filled with retrospection, life problems, little problems piling up, typical college stress, past worries re-haunting, and the general fear for the unknown future. There has to be some silver lining here somewhere... right? Well, after a month of growing tedious of my music, it suddenly became... enjoyable. Unfortunately, that enjoyment came with the realization that music is an anti-depressant. I've only enjoyed it tonight because maybe I was depressed. I guess my positive talk about change betrayed me, but in the end, no one really likes change, because we don't initially see the benefit of it. Are there any benefits? Silver lining no more. The past few weeks have been nice, to say the most, but also pretty boring. Boring because my playlist was boring me, and everyday was just an ordinary day. Every ride to school and back were the most tedious parts of the day, because music didn't stimulate anything within me. Other than those commute moments, college itself was just socially and mentally tiring. I'm sure I've talked about the masks we wear everyday. It's like a little façade we put on everyday, just for everyone else's convenience, a long, white lie we tell to everyone and ourselves that we're all functioning perfectly, but in the end the only people that know what we're really going through is ourselves. Day in and day out, I wear one, until I'm home and alone. The smile whenever I talk is automatic. I can't even talk while showing a sad face. I guess my upbringing had really taught me to be a socially capable being, but it puts an emotional and mental strain on me, because I'm introverted, but society demands, and by force of habit, I supply. For a long while I was just trying to "go with the flow" and "stay chill", but recently everything just made me tired and irritated, like I'm missing something though I'm really not. Until this day. The professor for the last subject was missing, and so we didn't have any classes, so I met with a friend, talked, met with another friend, talked, accompanied by various other friends, had a massive talk, and I LoL'd with a friend, and went home. I'm not going to go into details, but all those "talks" were part of the little truths I had thought on the way back home. Am I wasting my time grasping at straws again? Am I even going to be as successful as anyone else is going to be? Am I going to die alone, unfulfilled and incomplete? I'm pretty sure I already tackled all of these questions at some point in this blog, and told myself to go on and keep believing on something to hold on, and hope that it won't snap right away. Whenever I'm reaching for something to grab on, it's always something that looks sturdy, something that would definitely keep me from falling down, but the moment I grab it, I know it's gonna snap soon, and so I reach for another one, and right now I'm reaching for the next rope in line. The more cliché the advice given to me, from another or from myself, the quicker the rope snaps. Right now I'm reaching out to any possible inspiration, to any possible promise of reward, no matter how absurd, and to any possible emotional boost, from little online matches, to dumb little games... and yet I'm almost enticed to let go. I'm almost enticed to give up, to become who I could be at any moment. I'm almost enticed to act imprudent, to become apathetic of any responsibility or consequence. Almost enticed to accept anything I'd become the moment I fall. A failure. A big mess. A disappointment. That's the moment I'm a coward. I didn't want to fall. If I'm nothing now, then what the hell would I be if I give up? On the bright side, the music is pretty sweet now.

Make sure everyone is smiling

   So today was a pretty happy day, and only "pretty" happy because I was aware of the fact that only I fully enjoyed it. Being aware of others sucks balls, because once you're aware of even one person who's not enjoying the whole thing, it kinda ruins the whole thing, even if that person isn't even a close friend, it's sad when someone is left out, and you know there's nothing you can really do about it.
   I guess sometimes not caring does give you that full package of happiness, but it would be the same thing as being imprudent to others, like a small case of social ignorance, but it's better than pretending not to notice, cause eventually it's just gonna dig deeper into your conscience, and you'll be bugged by it all throughout the day. To care or not to care?
   Though, my point being, maybe life is happier when things are simpler, though that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be ignorant to be more happy, you just have to make things... simpler. Don't overthink and circumstance, and just go with the easier choice. An electric current goes through the path of least resistance. Just be the current. Don't make things complicated and harder to go through, and don't let yourself go through something harder if the task is simple enough as it is. Even Nike got it right by saying "Just do it". Make things easy, don't stress yourself

   Now, if only I could follow my own advice.

 

A Lesson in Liquor

   I never thought that I'd do what I just did. "Inuman" or drinking. I thought it would be the cause of the downfall of my life. But my expectations were betrayed with happy outcomes.

   I suddenly got invited to drink by a very dear friend of mine, and I thought "why not?", experience is the best teacher, but as any innocent young man, I had my own doubts and fears of what was to come. I was incredibly reluctant to go at first, because 1) Alcohol. 2) 3 out of 5 of the people I drank with were people that I didn't know very well, and I felt really out of place. 3) I had an incredibly bad vibe of the place where we drank, and even more so of the place that it was located on.

    And so after some agonizing small talk, and anxious walking, we got to the place, sat down and waited for some sisig and some alcoholic beverage. It wasn't anything heavy. The alcohol literally tasted just like grape juice, but it had enough to get you a little drunk. I listened to my friends talk about stuff and I remained observant. To my surprise, after 3 drinks or so, I... felt amazing. It's like my mind just woke up from stagnancy. I just felt the fears melt away. I joined in conversations without listening to my inner fears or doubts, and it was a blast. Liquor is literally liquid confidence. A little bit of it and you're unstoppable. I actually stayed for only an hour but it felt more than that. It felt like the night went on until I realized I had to go home. I was proud of the fact that I wasn't drunk at all, just really, socially active from the intoxication. So I left early, saying that I'll stay around more next time. I kinda wanted to see how far I could get, but it would be a bad time to try it out. So I left the place, and I hung out with a few other friends and told them about what we did, and talked about being drunk, effects, and all that. It's not as scary or frightening as a lot of people envision it. It's actually a great way to socialize, but you really need to know your own limit or tolerance. Everything goes to the flip-side when you're breaking the limit, to the point that your judgement just goes haywire.

    In the end, it was great. Leaving my own comfort zone was enjoyable. Though I couldn't get off the alcoholic energy boost on the way home, and right now I feel a little hungover, but it's worth it. As I said before, experience is the best teacher, but it's the most punishing if you push it too far. It's those little risks in life that leaves us with little nuggets of knowledge for survival. Life is better when you live it.

    And to that, we drink.

[Void]

   So it's 12:14 AM, I have to get ready in 7 hours for school. I'm awake for absolutely no good reason, other than typing up whatever this is. If I sleep now, it'll just be for a second. Clap your hands or snap your fingers. That's the duration of my dreams when I sleep. It's been void for a while. On the bright side, the well-rested feeling never goes away when I wake up. The down-side? I'm always emotionally tired.

    I haven't been dreaming anything for a while, so I decided to check why with a little psychoanalysis, and some little facts on dreams. First off, I kind of picked up a trivia that people dream more than once every night, but we usually remember only 1 or 2 dreams when we wake up, whereas some instantly, or quickly forget the moment they wake up. So maybe I do dream, I just remember absolutely nothing about the dreams. But I didn't really feel like I was dreaming anything on the past month. It just felt really empty, like the little moments when you blink, there's almost nothing in that moment.
 
    Secondly, I've been thinking of dreams as figurative dreams. What you dream is what you subconsciously or consciously want. You dream of a girl, a future, a job, an event, anything that you might actually want, maybe you've dreamed of it, and if you haven't, you probably will soon enough. Also, if you think on it frequently, maybe you'll dream about it the moment you sleep. Maybe stimulating the specific neural pathway will increase the chances of you eventually dreaming that on your next snooze. Just for the heck of it, try it out. Thank me later.

    Lastly, dreams may often be flashbacks from the past. If dreams were products, your memories would be the ingredients. Sometimes these dreams might even appear as big coincidences, as if it was some sort of prophecy. Heck, sometimes they even serve as predictions, just without the specific date. Dreams almost have the most subjective timing ever. Sometimes they appear and it feels like destiny.

    So what does it mean when you don't dream at all? Maybe you don't have plans or dreams for the future. Maybe you just want to float on in life. Maybe you just didn't want to access any memories for a while, in case you suddenly pluck a really shitty memory. Or maybe your dreams aren't so memorable, so you just discard them the moment you wake up. Regardless, if you're dreaming, you better cherish it. It's one thing to rest the body, but it's another to rest the mind. A dream is like a summer vacation that lasts forever, in your mind, for around a few hours. It's your mind's R&R. Enjoy it.

Cave

    I've been extremely confused on what to make out of what had happened on the past few days. I won't go into much details, since I already did on the previous post, but things are starting to get out of hand from my perspective. It's that panicky, I-can't-even kind of feeling you get after receiving a bulk of homework, for the sake of your understanding, let's say around 9 home-works and a project, due 2-3 days from now. You're just mesmerized by the things you'd have to do to get a high grade- let alone pass- all of the subjects. Yet, that's only an analogy. Imagine having that kind of work, but there is no deadline, it's purely emotional, and all the things you have to do seem hard at first glance, but remain impossible at the second. Any groan is acceptable, but not enough to even justify how daunting all those tasks are. But the catch is: they're all self-imposed.

    I wouldn't impose such things on myself. Though maybe I did because of my morality. There are times when you should, or shouldn't care, about the consequences of your actions, and morality should kick in at some point so that you don't get swept away by "Social Natural Selection". Unfortunately, this isn't one of those times. At this point my morality doesn't know what to do. I'm pretty sure all my life HASN'T been leading up to this point where I'm miraculously in right now, but I'm here nonetheless. A good example would be being forced to be something, like a class representative because no one else was good enough, or everyone else capable was just too lazy, so it had to be you, and you can't really turn it down, because you just feel like it would be bothersome to decline it, so even though you had the power to say no, you just didn't, yet you still feel like you were forced, because... Protagonist Syndrome. I do confess that I have that syndrome to some degree, but I guess experience and fear of being socially ostracized has developed my morals and discipline, so that I don't commit horrible, horrible faux pas. Digressing on my own morality, and back to the current situation, I'm definitely not prepared for what's to come. I could plan the weeks ahead for things I could do in my mind, but now everyday is a mystery, but not a good kind of mystery, the mysteries that you read on horror books or movies. The weird noises you hear at night that you tell yourself and convince yourself that it was just a cat, or it was just some wind. It's that kind of mystery you get after reading the words "As he turned around..." or "He opened the door, only to find...". Every day is another deadly, if not dangerous, cave to explore.

    Now you know what it feels like to be a hobbit, suddenly pushed off into a deadly journey just for a friggin' mountain kingdom. Now you know what it feels like to be an adventurer that was just pushed into that line of work. Now you feel sympathy for every cowardly character that wouldn't dare enter a deadly dungeon.
   
    On the bright side, no dragons, deadly monsters, and instant death traps! And if you DO survive, you get to learn!

    Time to enter the cave.

You gotta have a little...

   Bull load of events today, from having a meaningful recollection, up until a little promise to keep me going. As per usual, dissecting time~.

    So today was our recollection, and in a typical recollection, you'd just have some bonding moments with your blockmates/classmates, have some fun activities, know more about each other, and even though you should've really recalled certain memories and experience, some people don't. I'm one of those people, but I found something interesting. Something I thought I'd discarded and would never go back to. Faith. Well, I guess I haven't exactly discarded it. I still believe that there has to be someone upstairs calling all the shots down here, and I guess we all have some faith to some degree, but today I learned a different kind of faith. It was more of a persevering kind, the one that's vague but strong and dependable. The kind of faith that assures you that everything will be alright. It's a little less devotion to a certain dogma, but a little more than just positive thinking. I found it through sheer meditation. The recollection facilitator gave activities that involves in staying quiet and focusing on the inner. He asked us to "find God's message". At first I was skeptical; who else but myself would say something in my mind? Obviously, only I could talk to myself in my head, but Religious Education taught me that God is present in human experiences, so I gave it a shot. I'm a kind of person that was conditioned to give up because of a certain inferiority complex with a dash of high expectations. I was a kind of person that didn't have any plans for the future, and had no specific or grand goal in mind. On the road I'm walking on, there is no pavement, no sign, no direction. But... I gotta go somewhere, right? Suddenly the words "Keep Going" just popped up my head. You could say it was just some neurons firing up and coming up with those words, but it just felt surreal. I didn't expect to come up with anything, but something popped out. Well we could still argue on and on about how those were my actual inner thoughts, but maybe that's a part of what God is too; we all have a little bit of him as essential goodness.

    I got soaked in the rain, had a good time with some friends, and then got home, it was my nephew's birthday! Changed my clothes, played a little League... and the most amazing thing happened. A few months back I had ended a wonderful friendship, which also served as something similar to a relationship. What I thought had been ended, was more of something suspended. I never expected her to talk to me again after what seemed like a parting of ways. We did some catching up and eventually, I made things clear with her. I did still love her, and I did tell her that it was her choice on whether we're to build something in between. She told me that it could be possible, but we should place our studies first, which I respected and also planned to do, and so a promise to wait was made. To be honest I've never done such a promise before, but I don't intend to fail on keeping it. I guess it all boils down on whether this was all a coincidence, or part of a grand scheme laid out for me. Despite all the doubts and worries, I'm still keeping my word, besides, no one else would be able to make me smile like she does. To some she might be a disaster, but to me she's a keeper. I just do hope I get to keep her when she lets me.

    I don't know what to make of what had transpired today, but it was something that snapped me out of it. I really hope I can Keep Going. I hope that things just keep getting better from now on.

   

Week One

   The first week has passed, and if the word "OK" was a week, it would've been this week, even though I couldn't sleep on Sunday night, just because I was excited for Monday classes. Sure there are more people to meet, and new things to learn, but once you add everything up, it's still the same daily grind, just on a different schedule. I guess I require more stimulus for each passing day. Don't we all?

   From the moment that you were born up to your early childhood years, everything would be new, you wouldn't understand boredom, because there would be nothing to be bored about. As you enter your teenage years, you'd start to be more selective of the things that make you happy, or sad, or even the things that make you feel anything at all. That's the time when you'd start using phrases like "Best Day Ever!", and you'd understand what boredom is, and, if you're lucky, how to fight boredom.

   Once you hit the end of you teens, you either constantly find solutions to your ever-increasing boredom, or you live in boredom, unfazed by anything and everything, and slowly kill off your enthusiasm. I may have drawn the short end of the stick. I'm getting bored everyday, and to top it off, school just started, making everything much more mundane. It may be too early to give up on future moments, but the first week impression has been that strong. Hopefully something happens soon, and hopefully, this is just my expectations getting the best of me. On the bright side, there isn't much pressure on the subjects, or even school itself, sometimes there are small moments of fun, and I'm one step closer to graduating. I did ask for a new page in life, and hopefully this is just a boring introduction or recap on every start of a new chapter. Can't wait or the climax.

*Soda-bottle pop sound*

   Do you ever get that feeling of emptiness, the good kind? The kind of emptiness after finishing all your homework in a weekend afternoon, with nothing to worry about for tomorrow. The kind of emptiness you feel after working out really hard, sweating your ass off, and feel that it's all worth it at the very moment you finish. The kind of emptiness where you wake up in the middle of the summer too early, and smile and proceed to sleep again, because you have nothing to worry about. The kind of emptiness when you wake up beside your loved one, and everything just floats away, even for just a fleeting moment. That emptiness is amazing.

   Though those aren't the only scenarios. Let's say your stress can be summed up to a bottle of Coke. The amount of problems and tasks you have can be equivalent to how much you shake that bottle. Eventually, you'd see nothing but foam in that bottle. The more shaken up it is, the bigger the explosion. So imagine letting it all blow up after a good shaking. Regardless of the very awkward innuendo, the bottle would probably be somewhat empty, right? You wasted a coke, but it was a damn good soda-burst, and you get to drink of what's left. that little gulp of what's left is the refreshing aftermath of that stress-killing burst. It's enough to quench a thirst, and enough to not leave you wanting for more. Getting back on track, it's kinda what happened tonight; I finally opened the damn bottle. I have nothing to do left. In a good way. It's stupefying. Heck, I don't even know why I'm still typing. The adrenaline is still in,

   Though this feeling right now, I wouldn't say that I'm completely "done". I'm still stuck at that moment when you ask your mom if you can go to a friend's house, and then there's this split-second adrenaline rush in between you asking, and her replying with a yes or a no. That split-second of answering a question verbally and hoping you were right. That split-second of waiting right after throwing a ball into the basketball-ring. A split-second of uncertainty, excitement, and anxiety, driven by adrenaline and high hopes, waiting for an answer, an assurance of whether or not you were right or wrong, or even waiting for the ball to drop, score or not. Waiting for the next step to reveal itself, though the step doesn't matter at the moment, because at the moment, all that exists is the fact that you actually did something. You're just waiting for the results, and even that doesn't matter.

   You did something. You've seized the moment.

 

The Descending Action

   It's been more than a week since the last post, and tonight I'm stuck at doing nothing at 10 PM. I'm at a loss this early in the night. The continuous barrage of the series of events in the past few days has given me mixed feelings about... everything. It's that feeling you get when you're pushed out of your comfort zone, and you're slowly trying to form a comfort zone on the spot that you're currently in. It's not that hard, but it's emotionally and mentally tiring. 

   4 days after my last post, a friend that I had just reconnected has disconnected yet again, but this time, probably for good. She was a kind of person you'd only meet once in your life. She's the kind of person you'd think about right before you sleep at night, as if she has her own space in your mind, like an altar in your consciousness. She's the one you'd stay with over anyone else, at almost any given moment. She's the type of person that would come into you life and shake things up, and sometimes she stays, sometimes she leaves, but when she leaves, she leaves a terrible mess. She was the one I fell I fell in love with. Though I was prepared for the heartbreak, I didn't expect her to wreck my whole world. I know I'll be fine, but I'm just frustrated in knowing that she loved me too, but it was far too late to build anything else at this point. I tried to, but the only choice that I was shown was to move on. Though I burned my bridges, I still believe that if she was truly the one, she'd be back, one way or another, and if she's not, then too bad. 

   Aside from that, I'm just greatly exhausted from everything else, but in a good way. I went ice skating, swimming, and hanging out a lot... At least my summer won't end on such a shitty note, and at least the next school year would allow me to turn to the next page. 

   Time to move forward. Time to finish this section of the book. 

A Midsummer Night's Chatlog

   What a twist of fate! Just 3 hours ago, and up until this very moment, my reality decided to be spontaneous about things, and sh*t happened!

   First off, after two months of ignoring each other, a friend from school suddenly popped up. I'm not going to add further detail to that. The fact remains that, what I thought was over, wasn't. I'm just amazed at this person, suddenly re-evaluating herself and taking initiative to speak. I was proud, and happy, and confused. I really loved her, yet right after my first year of college had ended, I gave up on her, and after a few weeks into April, I finally let go of everything that was about her. 3 hours ago, she comes back. It was a slap in the face, and a hug at the same time, but I don't know which one fits the feeling as well as the other. Despite that, I was't speechless. We talked, laughed, caught up. Like the argument and fighting never happened. Like we just went back to a checkpoint we were comfortable with. Though I feel uncomfortable, and weirded out, I'm curious on how far we can take this, and how it ends up. Hopefully it ends on a sweet note, or hopefully it doesn't.

   Secondly, tfw your crush talks to you...ish. Around 30 minutes ago, a girl I didn't expect to be talking to me, TALKED to me... kind of. Tweeting doesn't count as talking, BUT IT'S SOMETHING! Though I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be. Maybe I just forgot she was a crush. Maybe I forced myself to not mind someone who might never even meet me. But hey, we sort-of talked. It's pretty nice, though it's not the point. I thought of maybe this conversation could be a milestone to something bigger. I'm not sure when, how, why, who, where, or what, but it's bigger than just tweet-talking on Twitter. I have high hopes, and no expectations.

   This post is pretty short, and I don't know if I SHOULD post this, because the content feels meaningless, but this night was wild from 9 to 1AM. I'm confused as to what to feel, but I'm choosing to feel happy, despite the balance in the doubts and the joy of everything that happened, and what those things may imply in the future. I chose not to worry. Tomorrow is another day... or rather today is.

Peace~

Happy Late Mother's Day

   Pretty late for a Mother's Day post, because I thought of doing this right after the day itself. The essence was more or less "What did I get from my mom?" and I kept thinking about that question since I didn't have anything to give to my mom that day, and I kind of want to change the atmosphere of the blog. Nonetheless, I came up with something, and here goes.

   Some things I probably got from my mom!

   Caring: I'm not sure whether or not to use empathy or sympathy, but I used this word because it kind of fit. My mom would show that she cares about me through anger. Yep. I know what I'm doing is mostly in the wrong, and I do that very often, so my mom probably got tired of using the nice form of caring and uses anger instead. It's not a bad thing considering that I'm really stubborn (thanks dad). I guess I figured it out this summer when I looked back on my friends within my lifetime. I tend to notice the little things about my friends and I usually end up with the short straw in all kinds of relationships, so... yeah, that's something.
   Intelligence: I don't want to brag, but oh wait, I do. I have to thank my mom for this because even if most of the time she doesn't show it, she's pretty smart. Not much to go on about this, but hey, it's something. I guess when looks fail, brains will do the talking. Besides, you can't rely on good looks for success all the time.
   Sensitivity: I guess this is similar to caring, but it sort of isn't. What I meant is having more EQ. You could call it over thinking or even over-worrying, but I guess that's what makes us special from any other living being. Acknowledging that I made a mistake and literally feeling bad about it is nice. It helps me learn sometimes. Sometimes.

   I love you mom. Happy Mother's Day!

 
 

Summer Stuff

   I forgot to post the things that happened on April 28, since that was the time I went on a road-trip with some of my friends, and March 3 & 4 hangouts were pretty cool, so I decided to make it into one big post.

   I had a whole plan for the hangouts. On the first hangout, I really didn't expect much out of any of the trips, and there wasn't a sched. We just went and played and talked and ate, and I enjoyed it. It was special since we rarely hangout because we're from different colleges, so it was an awesome day. No moment was as remarkable as the next. It was just fun at every second of it. I got to commute a little on the train stations in Manila. It was a nice change of pace. On that same road trip I had talked to a friend I commuted with, did a little catching up, and I was able to change my perspective on things. I acknowledged the stress that was gnawing at me and I began to be a little self-aware of the things I do all the time. I guess you never stop learning.

   On the following hangouts, I learned that some of my friends will be shifting to other courses, it sucked, but at this point, I had learned to accept that people come and go, and at the least, they were part of you somehow, in big and small ways. Things become easier when you just accept that things just HAPPENED, and you move on.There isn't much use clinging to the past, unless it's the last option you have, and the only time that it's going to be the only thing to look at, is when you're old, sitting at your chair, and your hair is mostly, if not all, white.

   The moral of the story isn't really in here, but in connecting this post, to the entirety of posts I made last year. I guess things may start out real shitty, but it really does get better. You just have to be patient, or you just need to give yourself a little break, or change your perspective on the whole situation, or even do something completely different. Don't allow yourself to get bored.
 

Confrustration

   It's been a while.

   So I'm living the summer life, and right now I'm on a bed and I can't sleep for unknown reasons. I'm not sure if typing  about all this is going to help me sleep or not, but I'm going to take a shot.

   I am currently waiting for the next school year since, after all, the blocks (or sections) will be shuffled, and I will have to meet new people, again. I'm not going to complain about change; I've done enough of that. I'm actually looking forward to the shuffle. Though I'm not exactly bugged about it, it's just..."Parting is such sweet sorrow" and all that.

   That said, I don't really get what's bugging me. Sure I'm gonna lose my comfort zone and all my recent friends, I'm  over that, but there's this certain itch in my head that I can't seem to shake off. Unfinished business. I don't know what it is.

   Digressing, I have some epiphanies. One of them concerns the pains of the human mind. I realized that every heartbreak remains with  you until you die, you just grow numb to the pain, so every time you "remember" the pain, you feel it. Secondly, the adult mind. We're all just children in the mind. Our needs just grow along with the body. The needs become more sophisticated, or there are simply more needs than before. The moment you grow up is when you let go of the needs and tend to the needs of others, or in this case, the needs of the children. When you're old enough, BAM, you're the kid again. You get tired of being the grown up and you're back to your own desires. Only difference is you're older.

   I have no idea where this post is heading. I feel like I'm confused, bored, and sad at the same time. I don't think anything I do will even work or change that. I just want to kill time so bad, like take a month-long nap. Hibernate. Sleep. Get lost. I have no idea, but  I can't do any of those. I can't  even sleep.  Wtf are the problems, I don't know, so I can't solve them. I have time. I just don't know where to even start.

Little Things

   Life is generally unfair to most, if not all of us, and we are often told that happiness lies within those little things that makes us chuckle or smile, like that routinely morning greeting we get from a friend or stranger, a hug or a kiss from a loved one, quiet moments in a public vehicle while you watch the scenery of daily life along the road, or even "people-watching"  within a park. It's those little things that makes us appreciate life as a whole, and that there's much more than the problems we have now. With that said, it's those little things that get me through the months of 1st year College. Now that it's all fading away, I'm back to square one. Again. This yearly dilemma never ceases to lose its weight on me. 

   It's difficult to adjust to the loss of those little things. Those actions and miniscule routines of the day that became integrated to your being in the days that you existed there with a singular purpose. When you finally get comfortable, it's too late.  Things shake up and change. Sometimes it would be your fault, sometimes it would be something everyone had to do. Change is always good, but it's hard to see the good in it when all you see is the bad. 

   It's hard to be convinced of those motivational quotes when they never exactly happen to you,and especially when you're at the end of your rope, or when you're pushed back to the edge. All you're waiting for is the fall, and the inevitable impact to the ground. It's sad how we have more words for sad moments than happy ones,but maybe because these sad moments are supposed to be part of a scheme laid out for us. A failure will only be a true failure if we learned nothing from it. Maybe we should just keep trying even when we've lost everything, because we literally would have nothing to lose. Maybe we'll find what we want, and maybe have those little things in the form of something else, or even something better. Maybe you just need to dig deep enough to reach the gold. Maybe. Just maybe. 

    Wouldn't you like to find out for sure? 

Too Young, yet Too Late

    It's 11PM, tons of papers and presentations due tomorrow, and a thesis to be anxious about, and I'm here. I've been procrastinating too hard lately, and according to past experiences, something bad has happened, and to make things worse, I'm blogging. Me. Blogging. Usually a bad omen, but nevertheless, it ends with a sort-of nice epiphany. Let me outline certain things that were bugging me recently tonight. Let's get started~!

    Course!

    So I've been having these doubts, that should've been gone the moment I stepped in college, yet here they are, in the form of "Was this course right for me?"  I seriously thought that I wanted this course, but it turns out I might not. Maybe it's just my lack of confidence to achieve something as great as a career in medicine, or maybe it's because of the recent stress I've been receiving from my social life, but the feeling is there, that maybe this isn't who I am, or maybe there's a job that I can do better than being a doctor. Before you react, NO, I'm not gonna shift courses just because of a small doubt, but I can't eliminate that doubt either. It'll keep growing over time. Besides, this course is the least I can do for my parents, who've worked hard, and are still working hard, just to see me in a white coat and stethoscope. It's kinda hard to throw it in their faces and shift into another course just when I feel like it. I definitely cannot waste their efforts, but a man can still wonder, right?

    Social $#!^*

    Social lives are HARD. As a past introvert, I can, with conviction, say that they're totally not worth it. The punchline on that statement is that I have one, but I never meant to. I regret having one, and I keep trying to console myself of the fact by using the phrases going like "Everyone has one, so it's ok. Fit in.", and "You're going to need them, like it or not." It's not working. None of it is, and it keeps getting worse, so I'm going to split off and go lone wolf for a while. Wouldn't hurt. It's about to be the end of finals anyways. A lot of @3!*%$ is going on, and a lot of it is just spawning from immaturity and stupid grudges. I'm over that. It's called high school. Why are we still doing this? *RANT RANT*. I swear, I didn't sign up for this. I'm beginning to crave for a transfer, but then again, the issue of wasting all that tuition, just to let it end with a transfer? Not a chance. I guess I'll just have to stomach the entire thing. *HEAVY SIGH*

    Nostalgia

    I'm too young to actually use "I miss the good ol' days" phrase, but it's the only phrase that can describe this feeling. I know I already posted about missing high school, but with the previous paragraphs, I'm getting the same feelings with some extra obsession to go back to those days. I guess you could say I'm in that phase in high school where you reminisce so hard about high school that you crave to go back in. Those days were the white picket fence compared to what you're dealing with now, unless it actually got better for you in college. Regardless of that point, high school was a pretty defining moment for all of us. Some more defining than others, yet defining none the less. College makes high school look like a cake walk, but it's a hell of a cake walk we're all gonna miss at some point.
   
    As for me, I miss absolutely everything. I already talked about this, probably, and I'm not ashamed to do so again. I just really miss it, and seeing my old classmates on social media really hits me hard every single time, and every time I feel so inferior to everyone else. It feels like they all moved on from high school. It feels like to them it never happened, or it's not as important to them, and it makes me sad. This is me assuming things, but what else am I going to think? It's like losing a really, really good lover. It hurts a lot when they move on before you, and when they do, you're all alone, wallowing in self-pity. Those were the days when you only had the quarterly exam to "worry" about. Easy projects to make right before the deadline. Laughing at silly things, CRYING at silly things. I miss them because I can't do that NOW. Of all the times I wanted to do high school things, it's AFTER high school. The regrets hit harder when they're way past deadline. This regret just knocks me out. I guess all I'm waiting for is the chance to move on just like all my batch mates did. It's time for a new chapter in life. It's time to turn the page. Time to look forward. Time to move on. But it's never the time to forget.

Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate

     Random: Title is a Dante Alighieri quote. I just found that yesterday, and I thought it was awesome, so now I'm going to try and connect that to this post for Valentines day.

     So it's Valentines, and like every holiday of the year, I'm compelled to write about because of some random epiphany. But I'm kind of mentally blocked right now, so I can't really think of anything original to say... So I'm just gonna talk about the past few days.

     Midterms just ended. My grades are holding up pretty OK, so I guess I'll be staying in the course for a while. My sister might teach somewhere in Manila, and my niece might study there too, and I might transfer colleges if I wanted to, but if I did, everything I built here would kinda be a waste, right? Last year, I really wanted to transfer out of DLSU-D, since all of my friend are in Manila, but now that I'm actually given a chance to do it, I don't want to. I predicted that I'd be reluctant to leave, because no matter how distant you act, you'll always form bonds. Humans are social beings, and forming friends and acquaintances is normal, unless you really, really, really don't like new people, regardless, human connection is unconsciously imperative. With that said, I connected. I wouldn't say unwillingly, because I really wanted to build some walls around me on the start of college, but some people manage to tear them down, and for that I'm grateful, yet it's frustrating at the same time. Once you start a friendship, you can't really abruptly end it, because, social norms. All you can do is wait until your friendship falls out, or man up and actually break a friendship off. The former is the one usually taken.
   
     I'm not saying I want to break it off, I'm saying that even if I wanted to, I can't. I don't have it in me to do such a thing. Essentially, I'm stuck here until I graduate. Point of no return, but hey it isn't that bad. Change is bound to happen sooner or later. Might as well accept it anyways. "Life goes on".

     Back to the topic of Valentines: I don't have one. Not much of a complaint, more of an acceptance of the fact. It's been 18 years, so why the hell be sad over something that doesn't really change? Regardless, I've remembered something I believed in when I was about 6. I saw an old woman with a wedding ring and had the most naive epiphany in the world, wherein anyone would be bound to marry someone else, no matter who, where, when, or why, and then whenever I see someone older than me without a ring, then I always assume that sometime in the future, that person will eventually marry. I loved that little premise. It was like knowing something no one else knows until it happens to them. Obviously, the assumption was wrong, but wouldn't it be nice if it wasn't? Getting married isn't really a necessity, but it isn't as bad as at looks like, despite all the divorce and the cheating usually seen in reality. Heck, it's not even about the marriage, it's just about that unspoken union between two people. Those little instances of non-verbal affection, when you just stare at someone's eyes deeply, like you were acknowledging the other as a whole. Where nothing physical even matters. You just... connect. It's like instinct, and with a snap, you're in love. Abandon all hope to get out of THAT, cause you won't be, not for a while at least.

     Happy Valentines / Single Awareness Day! Peace.

Spring Status Quo

   Just a little rambling about "Spring". There is no such thing as "spring" in the Philippines. There are only 2 seasons in this country (Rainy and... Sunny? Warm? I forgot the right term...) and both of them are horrible. It's either you face a flood or you faint from the heat, regardless I just really like the idea of "SPRING". It's like a fresh start, and conveniently, it also starts at the beginning of the year. Heck, they call it "spring cleaning" for a reason. All that aside, here's a little observation on the start of the year: it's boring.

   Yes, it's boring. Well of course it's not boring right off the bat, it becomes boring when you finally get the mentality of "new year new life" out of your system. You'll just realize, again, that you're going back to that daily grind, and you're back to surviving life. It's that little period in the year where everything is just... NORMAL. Well, it's kind of our own fault for barraging ourselves with the October-November-December combos. That's A LOT of consecutive holidays, and it suddenly stops at January. It's like we built momentum until the big boom of January 1, and it suddenly faded into that silence of "normal". Then again, normal isn't that bad. I've mentioned about balance before, and I guess even boredom comes into play when balance is needed. But then again, boredom is just unbearable. Inevitable, but irritating nonetheless.

    I'm in that phase of the year where you just wait for something to happen. Something. ANYTHING. Something to shake things up. Something that will make some heads turn. Something amazing. Something. Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this boredom while it lasts.

Existential Crisis

    2nd week of January, and 2015 has already planned changes. This one's gonna be a long one, buckle up. Pronoun game is a go.

    So after finding out our thesis was a failure, and after working out the schedule to redeem me and my blockmates of the failure with a new thesis, me and my friends ate some cake. After cake, me and my two friends had a talk. It's one of those talks but unannounced, it didn't feel that serious to them, but to me it was soul-crushing.

    They talked about how I should stop hoping on my friend, who actually knew I still was, who I was talking to right at that moment. Yes, she told me to give up on the girl that was right in front of me, and the girl who she told me to give up on, also told me to give up on her. OK, fine, I will. That was weird, but then they talked about me getting thinner. So they told me they would've thought of me differently if I was slimmer, but then if I got slimmer, wouldn't that literally change how you think of me as a friend? And if I got slimmer and got a relationship because of that, wouldn't that just mean I got a relationship BECAUSE I was thinner? Doesn't that just prove how shallow our views of relationships have become? Doesn't that prove that society had imprinted that on us through colonial mentality, and high standards of beauty, and romanticized lives seen on TV, read on book, watched on movies? I was devastated. They were asking me to change to what I hated the most, and the worst of all, they made a point. Yes it's a healthy thing to do, and it's good for the self-esteem, but in the end it just proved that people who don't put themselves out there are left out, and I don't want to change because I always wanted to prove that people who can't put themselves out can still get what they want, but surprise, surprise, they don't. I didn't. So now I have this choice to just give up on my stand and change, or I stay who I am with they're incessant complaints and constant reminders of who I apparently need to be. I don't know what to do. I feel empty. After I texted this to my friend who's currently in another school, I just realized that I wasn't even depressed. It was just VOID. I'm dead.

    I just feel empty. That's all there is. But it isn't anything like depression or suicide, it's just that feeling of powerlessness. Just... NOTHING. This is real new to me, though I appreciate the experience, I don't appreciate the feeling. This isn't much to worry about, and I feel like I should just tackle this alone. Let's see what happens next. Peace out.

Golden Age

   Do you ever get randomly depressed over NOTHING. Well, I just did, and WTF. Well it's not EXACTLY nothing, it's more like, things that shouldn't down me, DOWN ME.

   So let's focus on the title here. As far as I know, great empires reach their "Golden Age". They reach their peak of greatness and that's when the empire is strongest. But after reaching their reach, or the top of their game, they never keep themselves up there, or maybe they can't because they don't know how, and the only direction they take is down. The empire becomes riddled with problems until it slowly collapses.

   Based on that, I'm assuming that I just reached my "golden age" a while ago, but now it's all crashing down, and it's all because nothing is gonna make it better since I'm was at the peak of happiness. When you're at the top, you'll usually want to finally look down. When the hype from your happiness ends, and you have no fuel to burn that happy flame, it'll start to die out, and everything just suddenly goes downhill even if you don't want it to.

   I'm not entirely sure of the solution, but once you're at the top, why not look up? Maybe it's just a mindset instilled upon us by unconscious desires to eventually go downhill, but it's not exactly necessary to go downhill. We need to find that groove to stay in that Golden Age, and that groove could be anything, like a person, a hobby, a kink, anything. Then stay in the groove, and kick life in the balls.

Blast from the Past

   Yo! So update for the first 7 days of 365 to come for the year 2015: First day of classes was fun, and self-control is the key to everything, and ye olde, olde friendships.

   So focusing on the latter, a friend from Brazil skyped me up tonight, and we did some catching up to do. It brought a smile to my face cause I realized that 1) Friendships lasts forever, and what truly ends is the communication between people, but never the friendship. 2) It's true friendship if you can still talk to each other after a loooong loooong time 3) It only takes one "HI" or "HELLO" to an old friend, and BAM CONVERSATIONS!

   I wouldn't say it was pure fun, because there was also a feeling of nostalgia in it, along with heart warming emotions. I didn't really expect any of my old friends to do something like that, but maybe he was just bored because he had nothing, and I mean NOTHING to do until MARCH, because he was just waiting for exam results (lucky bastard), but I digress. It was a nice and short change of pace, I appreciate it. Peace out!