Little Things

   Life is generally unfair to most, if not all of us, and we are often told that happiness lies within those little things that makes us chuckle or smile, like that routinely morning greeting we get from a friend or stranger, a hug or a kiss from a loved one, quiet moments in a public vehicle while you watch the scenery of daily life along the road, or even "people-watching"  within a park. It's those little things that makes us appreciate life as a whole, and that there's much more than the problems we have now. With that said, it's those little things that get me through the months of 1st year College. Now that it's all fading away, I'm back to square one. Again. This yearly dilemma never ceases to lose its weight on me. 

   It's difficult to adjust to the loss of those little things. Those actions and miniscule routines of the day that became integrated to your being in the days that you existed there with a singular purpose. When you finally get comfortable, it's too late.  Things shake up and change. Sometimes it would be your fault, sometimes it would be something everyone had to do. Change is always good, but it's hard to see the good in it when all you see is the bad. 

   It's hard to be convinced of those motivational quotes when they never exactly happen to you,and especially when you're at the end of your rope, or when you're pushed back to the edge. All you're waiting for is the fall, and the inevitable impact to the ground. It's sad how we have more words for sad moments than happy ones,but maybe because these sad moments are supposed to be part of a scheme laid out for us. A failure will only be a true failure if we learned nothing from it. Maybe we should just keep trying even when we've lost everything, because we literally would have nothing to lose. Maybe we'll find what we want, and maybe have those little things in the form of something else, or even something better. Maybe you just need to dig deep enough to reach the gold. Maybe. Just maybe. 

    Wouldn't you like to find out for sure? 

Too Young, yet Too Late

    It's 11PM, tons of papers and presentations due tomorrow, and a thesis to be anxious about, and I'm here. I've been procrastinating too hard lately, and according to past experiences, something bad has happened, and to make things worse, I'm blogging. Me. Blogging. Usually a bad omen, but nevertheless, it ends with a sort-of nice epiphany. Let me outline certain things that were bugging me recently tonight. Let's get started~!

    Course!

    So I've been having these doubts, that should've been gone the moment I stepped in college, yet here they are, in the form of "Was this course right for me?"  I seriously thought that I wanted this course, but it turns out I might not. Maybe it's just my lack of confidence to achieve something as great as a career in medicine, or maybe it's because of the recent stress I've been receiving from my social life, but the feeling is there, that maybe this isn't who I am, or maybe there's a job that I can do better than being a doctor. Before you react, NO, I'm not gonna shift courses just because of a small doubt, but I can't eliminate that doubt either. It'll keep growing over time. Besides, this course is the least I can do for my parents, who've worked hard, and are still working hard, just to see me in a white coat and stethoscope. It's kinda hard to throw it in their faces and shift into another course just when I feel like it. I definitely cannot waste their efforts, but a man can still wonder, right?

    Social $#!^*

    Social lives are HARD. As a past introvert, I can, with conviction, say that they're totally not worth it. The punchline on that statement is that I have one, but I never meant to. I regret having one, and I keep trying to console myself of the fact by using the phrases going like "Everyone has one, so it's ok. Fit in.", and "You're going to need them, like it or not." It's not working. None of it is, and it keeps getting worse, so I'm going to split off and go lone wolf for a while. Wouldn't hurt. It's about to be the end of finals anyways. A lot of @3!*%$ is going on, and a lot of it is just spawning from immaturity and stupid grudges. I'm over that. It's called high school. Why are we still doing this? *RANT RANT*. I swear, I didn't sign up for this. I'm beginning to crave for a transfer, but then again, the issue of wasting all that tuition, just to let it end with a transfer? Not a chance. I guess I'll just have to stomach the entire thing. *HEAVY SIGH*

    Nostalgia

    I'm too young to actually use "I miss the good ol' days" phrase, but it's the only phrase that can describe this feeling. I know I already posted about missing high school, but with the previous paragraphs, I'm getting the same feelings with some extra obsession to go back to those days. I guess you could say I'm in that phase in high school where you reminisce so hard about high school that you crave to go back in. Those days were the white picket fence compared to what you're dealing with now, unless it actually got better for you in college. Regardless of that point, high school was a pretty defining moment for all of us. Some more defining than others, yet defining none the less. College makes high school look like a cake walk, but it's a hell of a cake walk we're all gonna miss at some point.
   
    As for me, I miss absolutely everything. I already talked about this, probably, and I'm not ashamed to do so again. I just really miss it, and seeing my old classmates on social media really hits me hard every single time, and every time I feel so inferior to everyone else. It feels like they all moved on from high school. It feels like to them it never happened, or it's not as important to them, and it makes me sad. This is me assuming things, but what else am I going to think? It's like losing a really, really good lover. It hurts a lot when they move on before you, and when they do, you're all alone, wallowing in self-pity. Those were the days when you only had the quarterly exam to "worry" about. Easy projects to make right before the deadline. Laughing at silly things, CRYING at silly things. I miss them because I can't do that NOW. Of all the times I wanted to do high school things, it's AFTER high school. The regrets hit harder when they're way past deadline. This regret just knocks me out. I guess all I'm waiting for is the chance to move on just like all my batch mates did. It's time for a new chapter in life. It's time to turn the page. Time to look forward. Time to move on. But it's never the time to forget.