Redefining the self

   One thing I learned from all the recollections I've had in my student life, is that it's important to look back, and so look back we shall. I can already tell this is going to be f*cked up, but whatever, let's do this.

   Alright, basics first. My name is... well you know. I'm 18, soon to be 19, 2nd year student of a 3-year pre-med course. I'm introverted to a point. I'm usually silent, but in a classroom, or a seminar or whatever event, I'm noisy. You'd notice how loud I laugh or even snicker. I'm also a little too loud even when we're whispering. Even though I just interpreted myself as a speaker, I'm more of a listener. I want you to talk about you, and to not be afraid of talking about yourself with me, and it won't matter if I know you or not, but beware I have a twisted sense of humor, but that doesn't mean I won't enjoy "basic" humor. I play video games, "a lot" would be an understatement, cause I've been playing ever since I was 4 or 5. When I was small, my dad would hate it when I'd frown, so he'd always tell me to smile, even though I wouldn't, cause most of the time they'd force me to come to some event, and I preferred staying in the house more than anything else, so now, wherever I go, or whenever I'd speak in a place outside my comfort zone, I'd smile. Force of habit. I love music, but I have varying tastes. I don't have a definite favorite genre, but there are some songs which just clicks well with with me. Though I was always a sad kid. You could say depressed, but I think that if I was depressed all this time, I wouldn't be here, doing this. I don't know why I'm usually sad. Maybe I never really get what I want, even though I reassure myself that I don't need things I can't have, the kid in me just throws a silent tantrum, or maybe it's because I'm really, really moody, so  become sad. Fortunately, it's easy to make me happy. Easier even. Food, games, a horrible joke, or just try. I'm sure it'll work.  I'm also lazy, but if I need to do something, and I mean NEED it, I'll do it, otherwise, I'll either forget it or do it later... MUCH later.
 
   You could call me hopelessly romantic, I get sad when I'm lonely, just like everyone else, but it wears off after a laugh or internet connection. Sometimes I care too much about others, and there is no moment that I don't really care about others unless it's a choice I make, but generally I'm just a really, really, really weird kid with tons of nerdy references, dark humor, with a little too much of green. I leave terrible first impressions that last a decade, and hopefully, if we ever meet, you'd not judge by my horrible approaches. I love to learn, but I just... hate the idea of school. Hell, I have an African friend that just described his university life at.. if I'm not mistaken, Ghana, and his life was AWESOME. His university life's theme was literally FREEDOM AND FUN. No uniforms, no need of wearing your damn ID, and everyone was independent. There was still studying and classes, but it was your discretion on what to do, and I think that's what most countries need to instill on their students: Reponsible Independence, but I won't get carried away about that for now. I wouldn't call myself smart... I'm probably just lucky. REALLY lucky. I also love to sleep, which is something I've recently discovered about myself in my college life. I have recently come to hate socializing, since now it drains me every day, but it depends on the people. Unlike in high school, that would be the highlight of the day. I guess I'm not used to being exposed to a new crowd every 6 months or so. I think I'm generous, but as always it depends. Materialistically, if you really need it, I'll give it to you, but if you don't, well, my friend, too bad. Regarding my emotional generosity, it would... still depend. Well crap. I guess the moment I snap or realize my own needs, I'll swipe it off your hands, but on any other circumstance, it's yours for the taking. Take my happiness, I mean. It could be the last pizza slice, or the last copy of a game, whatever, but generally, if you take it first, it's yours, but if I get my hands on it first, depending on how I really need it, I might even give it to you instead.

  My beliefs are mercurial. I'll believe on what I want, the moment I need it, or the moment it reveals itself to me. Sometimes I'd leave it up to destiny, sometimes I carve up my own path, at times I'm extremely hopeful, and later on I'd be at the depths of despair, but it all just depends on my mood, and because of the moodiness. I'm almost always a hypocrite, though I usually notice it by going against my past word, but we're probably all hypocrites at some point anyways, and maybe I'm just too self-aware. I guess you can call it social anxiety, though if it was social anxiety, it wouldn't be that severe. I guess it's just the fear of being ridiculed or made fun of, or even being in the center of attention. I cringe at talking to a crowd, though I'm slowly getting used to it. The grading system demands.
 
   Recollections usually have some inspiring ending, but that's because almost all of them are in a religious setting, triggering your intrinsic hope with the use of catechism. Then there we go, the lack of faith. It's actually okay for me, though I think that things would've been different  if I was raised in a more religious setup. Maybe I would've been happier, in a sense that I'd have this rope I could cling to, which would be faith to an omni-benevolent being, but I would probably be less open minded. In the end, the reality is that I was raised this way, and if I can't change that, then so be it. At least I know in myself that my mind is a scientific one, though it's a mind that sometimes lack common sense. I make the stupidest mistakes sometimes, it's purely disappointing, but I gotta have a unique character trait right? Unfortunately it just had to be a shitty one, but I digress.

   Regardless of misfortunes and let-downs, I'm still looking forward to whatever I can uncover about myself. Recently I've been feeling stagnant. As if I'm not growing to become better than before, so maybe I'm already the best, but I just haven't discovered those "best" parts of me. I'm exactly like our planet. I'm slowly getting polluted, but I'm pretty sure every living thing in me is doing it's best to revert that (I hope). Some parts of me are just beautiful and majestic, but they're hard to find if you don't know where to look. Lastly there's just this deep, vast ocean. I'm constantly getting deeper, neither drowning nor wanting to go back up, constantly swallowed deeper and deeper, and I have no clue what's at the bottom, and I guess that's my goal right now. To get to the bottom of myself. To be able to answer "Who am I" with less words, hopefully much less than this whole post.

   I want to find something about myself that just validates me wholly. But there is no single word for it as of the moment. There's only this bulk of a post. At every recollection, there's always that end of the day mindset you get, and for me... I guess this is it. I'm going to find me, slowly but surely, and I guess I should've noticed this sooner. We all grow up slowly learning about the world, but then at some point, we'll see ourselves in the shadows of other people, and then form this journey of introspection.

   No mount of diverse quotes and advice can prepare me for this journey. We'll hear what we want to hear and see what we want to see when we want it. Until the time I see and hear what I want, I'll keep going.

 

Ear Drugs

So tonight, the way back home was filled with retrospection, life problems, little problems piling up, typical college stress, past worries re-haunting, and the general fear for the unknown future. There has to be some silver lining here somewhere... right? Well, after a month of growing tedious of my music, it suddenly became... enjoyable. Unfortunately, that enjoyment came with the realization that music is an anti-depressant. I've only enjoyed it tonight because maybe I was depressed. I guess my positive talk about change betrayed me, but in the end, no one really likes change, because we don't initially see the benefit of it. Are there any benefits? Silver lining no more. The past few weeks have been nice, to say the most, but also pretty boring. Boring because my playlist was boring me, and everyday was just an ordinary day. Every ride to school and back were the most tedious parts of the day, because music didn't stimulate anything within me. Other than those commute moments, college itself was just socially and mentally tiring. I'm sure I've talked about the masks we wear everyday. It's like a little façade we put on everyday, just for everyone else's convenience, a long, white lie we tell to everyone and ourselves that we're all functioning perfectly, but in the end the only people that know what we're really going through is ourselves. Day in and day out, I wear one, until I'm home and alone. The smile whenever I talk is automatic. I can't even talk while showing a sad face. I guess my upbringing had really taught me to be a socially capable being, but it puts an emotional and mental strain on me, because I'm introverted, but society demands, and by force of habit, I supply. For a long while I was just trying to "go with the flow" and "stay chill", but recently everything just made me tired and irritated, like I'm missing something though I'm really not. Until this day. The professor for the last subject was missing, and so we didn't have any classes, so I met with a friend, talked, met with another friend, talked, accompanied by various other friends, had a massive talk, and I LoL'd with a friend, and went home. I'm not going to go into details, but all those "talks" were part of the little truths I had thought on the way back home. Am I wasting my time grasping at straws again? Am I even going to be as successful as anyone else is going to be? Am I going to die alone, unfulfilled and incomplete? I'm pretty sure I already tackled all of these questions at some point in this blog, and told myself to go on and keep believing on something to hold on, and hope that it won't snap right away. Whenever I'm reaching for something to grab on, it's always something that looks sturdy, something that would definitely keep me from falling down, but the moment I grab it, I know it's gonna snap soon, and so I reach for another one, and right now I'm reaching for the next rope in line. The more cliché the advice given to me, from another or from myself, the quicker the rope snaps. Right now I'm reaching out to any possible inspiration, to any possible promise of reward, no matter how absurd, and to any possible emotional boost, from little online matches, to dumb little games... and yet I'm almost enticed to let go. I'm almost enticed to give up, to become who I could be at any moment. I'm almost enticed to act imprudent, to become apathetic of any responsibility or consequence. Almost enticed to accept anything I'd become the moment I fall. A failure. A big mess. A disappointment. That's the moment I'm a coward. I didn't want to fall. If I'm nothing now, then what the hell would I be if I give up? On the bright side, the music is pretty sweet now.