Pledge

   I keep a ".txt" file which contains dates of several occasions of heartbreak and heart-throb, or even special days wherein I get an epiphany, or a sad realization. Today was worthy of an entry, except instead of putting the events of what happened, I decided to make this post, and put the name of that post for the date today.

   So what happened today? A lot of things, some of which were typical or cliche, but nevertheless contribute to the whole that inspired me to make this post. I'm not going to elaborate on the event themselves, but on what they made me think of, which is my love life, which is officially going into a hiatus for 1 year.

   18 years. 18 years is enough years of trying. It's enough to back-up a wake-up call which says "That's enough for now, focus on something else." I feel like I've hit a point of growth which needs this self-reassurance post to be felt or for the growth itself to take effect. I'm positive that this is the path I have to take, but it's not a definite path. I'm going to focus solely on doing my duties and responsibilities with a little procrastination on the side. I'm going to stop being a hopeless romantic for as long as I can, or for as long as I find someone to give me a reason to believe again. I'm going to stop romanticizing life, as if every fictional book mentally prepared me for it. I'm going to take romantic ventures out of my priorities. I'm going to stop following my heart because of a pretty face or a beautiful voice. I'm going to stop hoping on the impossible, and prepare for the inevitable. I'm going to have to chastise my mind until I've completed the goals I've set for myself. I'm going to quit chasing something I've been dreaming of for years. Like the adventurers searching for the fountain of youth, I quit. I have reached the point where the quote "before you leave, remember why you started" begin to fade it's meaning. I will stop the senseless pursuit of happiness. I will let it chase me instead. I'm tired of how things are. That's all there is.

   I'm betting this pledge lasts a year. But for the sake of my sanity, I hope it lasts for a lifetime.

When You're Too Far Up

   So it's been a while. I felt like nothing I'd post after the 50th would be anything good in comparison, but then again it's a blog, not a book. 

   So far, things have been good. The good kind of good. The good you don't get tired of being exposed to. It's a nice break from all the ups and downs of life's roller coaster. But am I really out of the roller coaster? I'm always pondering if I'm sacrificing anything of great value with the decision of constantly being good. Obviously, I'm sacrificing the chance to be great, to be better. So we're never out of the ride, except... it's not much of a roller coaster. We're walking on a tightrope.

    I'm pretty sure that the roller coaster analogy works most of the time, but when you consider every factor in, not just your happiness or sadness, a tightrope or something similar would be more accurate. I mean, think about it. Keeping perfect balance at all times. If too much weight is on one side, you'll fall. You have to balance everything. But that's not all, balance won't always guarantee safety; you're still on the rope, who knows how high up. So you need to walk. You need to progress, move forward. Two things: balance and forward movement. Sounds easy right? In reality, you need to balance both too. Make sure you're not just balancing, make sure you're moving too. Be aware that moving too fast will make you lose your balance, and eventually you'd fall. It's not much of a gamble, more of self-discipline and self-consciousness. Though we won't necessarily plunge to our deaths the moment we make a mistake. You could say we all have a safety net, but let's not rely on it too much, because at some point in time, there won't be anything else to catch you but the cold, hard ground, so don't get used to making mistakes.

   You take a deep breath. You take the first few steps. They're always the easiest, because you still have the option to back out, a chance to redo while you can. But you don't. You keep walking. Keeping your balance at all times. You try to keep your eyes towards the end. Keeping your balance. Trying not to lose focus, trying not to think of anything that would otherwise make you shake or make you tremble or hesitate for a second. You keep going. You remind yourself.

   Chin up. Don't look down.