Okay so this one doesn't have a title, because I'm seriously running out of titles, but whatever.

   So I am back, after 3 months of the hectic pre-medschool 1st semester. It's still on-going though, so I doubt this is going to be a normal thing, since I'll be going back to being busy the moment I wake up. It just sucks that I lose the ideas and topics that I come up with in the middle of a commute, or the zingers and subjects I want to write about just disappear into the void. So here I am. It's been a while. 

   I honestly don't know what to write right now, since I just forgot the topic, but I guess let's start with "what the hell happened?". Honestly? Not that much. I guess writing about every high and every low in your life isn't really the absolute best thing to do when you're on the said high or low. I guess immortalizing the experience into a form of literature isn't always the best course of action because in a way, you set it aside as something you wrote. Like how people nowadays share horrible experiences in social media, writing about a good or bad experience reverts you back to your "null" state. You share your troubles because, yes, it alleviates the burden of your woes, which brings you back to your normal, not-that-sad-but-still-kinda-sad state. At the same time, when you share a good thing, it becomes great. You share the happiness with everyone, but I guess, let's make some sh*t up here, there's some sort of "Law of Conservation of Happiness" (if this exists, holy crap) that happens. You get to share your happiness, which is nice, but at the cost of your own magnitude of happiness. I mean, at the start, it'll be super great that you're happy, you're friends are happy that you're happy, then that cycles on and on... Until, after a long while, you're not that happy. Still happy, but not overjoyed. Just right, but less than before. I guess you could just simply interpret that as "emotions are fleeting", but I think there's a deeper dynamic between personal joy and the joy of a group of people. Mind you, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to share your experiences, it's just that these experiences, regardless if it's a good or bad one, builds your own character. It adds to your story, makes and breaks it. It makes it more meaningful, but the catch is it becomes even more influential to you if you keep it to yourself. When dealing with a personal problem alone, introspection allows you to grow. Self-analysis is increased as you delve into the silence of your own mind. It increases your independence through isolation on a mental level. And that's why, more or less, why I don't write as much, but mostly it's school. 

   I did lie a bit, I do share a lot of my feelings to a person, which is usually my girlfriend. Not ALL the time, but most of the time, and it's only the little things to "medium" things. But if I'm right about that Law of Conservation BS, then that would mean I'd retain more of the joyous feelings than if I opted to tell a lot of people about it. I guess the main reasons why I don't really tell it to other people are laziness, the probable waste of time it would be to rant about it, the fact that in the end problems will go away, and the fact that everyone else is either busy with something else, and that everyone else has their own problems. In retrospect, those are also the reasons why I even started to blog, but I digress. Anyways...

   Despite all of what's happened, which is mostly good, for a change, I'm not entirely sure I have all the pieces of the puzzle to come up with a proper picture of what life entails. I'm pretty sure that everyone has their own questions and own answers. They may feel the same, but there are always nuances between the problems of two people. Through that, the first step of understanding people may be the acceptance that one will never be able to fully understand one another. Kind of ironic isn't it? But throughout the days I spent just floating around and surviving the daily grind, I've noticed that in the grander scheme of things, everything matters, but at the same time, it really doesn't. I have no idea how to properly put that into the right words that would be understandable by the general public. Not yet. But for now, it's back to the drawing board for me. 

   Pro-tip: Don't get TOO comfortable with how things are. Shake things up a bit. If you get used to quiet, then don't expect a good time when things get loud. *hyper-hipocrite*

   

      

Mythbusting Romance

   It's been a month. Hey. It's been a while, and within that whole month of no posts, I lost so many topics I could write. Because procrastination. And also because 3rd year college. But I digress again.

   After a few events within the past month, I learned some answers to a few things, namely 1) Destiny vs. Free Will 2) Romantic Love Dynamics 3) Some other stuff.

   Well, for once I think free will was actually winning, and I was this close to re-believing that maybe it exists, and that maybe we're not just predestined to do things because every fiber and molecule of our being was destined to do those things, but as I said, it was close. Although I do switch it up to "If it's meant to be, it will be" and "If you want it, go get it," and I think that for the longest time that has been my personal dichotomy on life outlook, but a certain, cheeky person has made me realize many things that I already did realize, but chose not to believe in. That maybe things aren't exactly set in stone, not even the advice that Facebook gives you, and not even your own beliefs once someone rocks your whole way of thinking. I'd usually be torn between routing my life basing it on either destiny or through my own will. But neither of them are actually good alternatives, because success is subjective, and that means a safe zone or a "go-to" method isn't advisable, because one of these days, it's auto-piloting life that will get you killed. Be aware. Be conscious of what you're doing. Know what you have to do and how to do it. And as for what to believe in, chance or self-will, the answer would always be the balance of those two. So, thanks to tumblr and Facebook (lol), the best motto would be "If it's meant to be, it's up to me." Yes, maybe in life, there are certain people that would make you think that they're the one for you. But let me emphasize that it's PEOPLE, not just one person. There are probably plenty of people that are "right" for you, but in the end you still have to choose who that person has to be. The signs won't be there most of the time. If they are there, then go for it, and if they aren't, then look for them. Make those signs for yourself. Move. Act. Live.

   I think that romantic movies ruin a lot of people's judgement when it comes to dealing with real romantic relationships. Because the cliche is that random strangers eventually become inseparable forces of love that overcome their greatest challenge as lovers, and it ends "happily ever after." But worry not, reality is always there to set you straight with a backhand to the face. First off, life isn't a movie, so stop hoping. Do something about it. It doesn't have to be something grand. It doesn't have to be something drastic. Just... do something different if things aren't working out right now. You can schedule your weekends but you can't schedule your attitude towards the circumstances given to you, and you certainly can't believe in something like love at first sight. That's just passion in a moment, but in the end it fades, because it was only infatuation. There's still commitment and intimacy to target in order for love to be consummate or complete... Yet in practice, you can't even apply the triangular theory of love (Sternberg thnx) to the current situation, because who has time to think about the implications of a theory when the person you love is at your vicinity? What does it matter when you're both happy anyways? Well, to that I say "there's the future to think about." Because most of the time, feelings fade or fall apart, and you can't help but feel that, at some point in a relationship, maybe the whole thing was just some strong crush, or maybe you're not cut out to be a couple, or maybe the person you love is with you just out of curiosity and/or boredom. Well, two things: One is that the theory is certainly a good thing to have, and two, is that falling in love is never just a feeling that won't go away. It starts with a feeling. It lives on through a decision.

   And for the other stuff... I think I've found the answer to many things. But I also feel extremely dumb, because it took a person to make me understand that I had nothing to worry about, and that the answers were already there but I just didn't have enough faith in them. I wanted my own answers, but in truth, we all arrive at the same conclusion anyways; we'll just have different words for it. So in a sense, we're just looking for the best possible combination of words that makes the most sense out of the life we live in. Because we're never satisfied with what other people find unless it hits us right in that spot in your head that tells you that "this is it." Because to ourselves, the things we discover in our lonesome are the "truer" truths. And we attribute those truth to us because they "fit better" with our current circumstances, and the brain just makes that click in us. So did I find my answers? Yes. But not all of them. Questioning what's in store is always part of the package. So my search continues for all the answers I want. It's time to live.

Midnight Catharsis

   Honestly, I don't know what's gotten into me. It's 3:33 AM, I'm 9n my bed and typing all of this on my phone, and I'm still feeling like a psuedo-shit because of self-loathing and depressing thoughts. I feel pathetic for relying on others to feel like less of a waste of space, and I feel worse when I come here to rely on catharsis. I think I really do have clinical depression, but then again, if a simple post like this manages to get me through the night, or rather day, then I guess I'm just overreacting to my chronic depression.

   I always told myself that even with a romantic relationships, my problems wouldn't go away and I would still have to solve them by myself. Even after all my self-warnings, I still manage to deceive myself into false hopes that I know won't yield any results. It's not my girlfriends fault, it's just that I refuse to change. I guess not even 3 years of blogging about it will make a difference. In truth, maybe I'm scared of changing for the better, and I understood that fear immediately because I can already justify it.

   Changing for your own honest benefit is good. For example, working out or studying for a subject when you're a lazy person is a good change, and you'll eventually get the results you want through time and effort.  You'd get a girlfriend, pass the subject and maybe top the class... Which sound great. Change is a nice mechanic. But what I hate about that fact is that we can only adhere to the demands of our wants in order to get them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that "You'll only be liked if ______" is a bad subconscious bias we all have. You can never be truly yourself because maybe your own habits and character are frowned upon society and then you're suddenly pressured to change in order to "adapt". You can't be you unless the you is accepted by many. The person you become when society accepts you is nice,  but it feels like they only like the new you, and the old new was forgotten with a "good riddance" in mind. It's a horrible justification because aside from me being lazy, I guess I'm also the one at the bad end of the spectrum, being unattractive and having low self-esteem. I'm not condemning my strong points, it's just that my weak points are the ones that are usually seen at face value, so in the end, my strong points are found only if you're that much interested in finding them, so in the end, I either rot or make the effort not to, and that just sounds like a lot of b*tching and whining in retrospect, but I guess even the best of us needs an outlet from time to time. Unfortunately, I bottle things up pretty quickly, so this is just one out of many redundant posts.

   I guess this post just melts down to "Life is unfair, f*ck my life". I guess I just needed to make that phrase into something self-gratifying, but nonetheless I still feel like pseudo-shit even after all that catharsis, and everything I write is just a remix of itself, but with added vocabulary to spice things up. My best guess is that I skipped all the other steps of denial and went straight to acceptance, and it STAYED at acceptance, and even there, everything is crumbling apart or I'm imagining it crumble apart, but either way it feels like I'm being torn apart, It feels like everything I do is wrong, or if I'm right, I feel like I'm always missing something else entirely. It's like I have a knife and I can't stop stabbing myself. It makes no sense to everyone else, I know, and there's no better way of putting it. In the end I just decide to bottle-up what I can't let out, and wait for myself to spit it back out again.

   It's a vicious cycle of regurgitating my feelings into text, but sometimes I throw up a little hope in the mix. The hope that maybe there's an answer in the form of words that will trigger me to set aside all of this.Maybe I'll actually convince myself that there are worse things to worry about, instead of always just realizing that and putting off ranting for a while until I can't take it anymore. Maybe there really is light at the end of the tunnel, or maybe I'll realize that I should stop building the tunnel as I go. Maybe in the story of two wolves, I'll finally stop feeding hate and sadness, and start feeding hope and joy. Maybe.

Me II

   Summer might sound all that nice and amazing, just like in those cartoons back then and even in the present, but in reality it's the pinnacle of boredom for most, if not all people. Fortunately, this summer gave me time to think about myself, which usually amounted to self-pity, but thankfully the beach gave me an epiphany, or rather, a reminder.

   I was walking down the beach and I kept staring at how the waves kept erasing my footprints. The first wave was usually enough to take it out, but a little trace of the footprint would still be noticeable, but eventually it would be gone. I thought of some depressing crap, like how no matter how many marks you leave within this world, you'd eventually be forgotten by the never-ending waves of time. But hell no, that sucked. I wouldn't want to remember something that depressing. So let's get back to the title of this post.

   I wanted to list down the traits I had, like in a previous post. I guess this is a continuation. So here goes:

   1) I realized my brain is a dumbf*ck and only remembers the stupidest, most useless memories. I'm not saying it's totally a bad thing, but I don't see how a memory of, let's say, me playing the guitar right before dismissal on my high school days, would help ME solve anything for my future careers. I don't know why I don't get to put the important stuff, like biology related terms and information, in my long term memory. It should be in long term memory, but unfortunately, it always goes to short term. Everything I need for my future career goes to short term. WTF man. I wonder how the flying fork am I gonna become a doctor, or even a good one for that matter, with this kind of knowledge retention. I'm screwed. But hey, I'm not giving up that easily. I'll let you know how it goes down the road. All in all, it's shitty, but not completely useless. I mean this totally sucks, because I'd be the most useless doctor in the world, but the fleeting memories of the past are what keeps you human. Reminds you that you existed, you exist, and shall continue to exist, until eventually you don't. Just like the footsteps in the beach. It's there when you are, but every step you take and every second that passes, the trail you leave vanishes into the ocean. You'll briefly remember the footsteps, hell, you'll barely remember the footsteps itself. What will remain is the view of the seaside you had walked on. You'll remember the ocean. Not each individual wave that had wet your feet, but the ocean breeze that your body felt throughout that walk. You won't remember every step you took in that little stroll, but you'll remember the feeling of the sand on the soles of your feet and you'll remember every weird thing you stepped on that was weird enough to be remembered. You will remember the journey in its entirety, but the details will fade away slowly. Like a book you once read when you were young. You won't be able to remember all the details of the story, but you know the gist of it, until slowly, you forget the story itself, but its essence burned within you forever. Long story short, my memory sucks d*ck, but hey, it's not completely useless.

   2) I procrastinate a lot. Like it's a really bad habit. This post has been in the making for a week. It's that bad. But I don't think I was like this in the past... Oh wait I did. Well there goes my future... But in all seriousness, I don't know how the hell I've gotten this far. In life. In all honesty, I was expecting to be a horrible child that would end up in the shittiest life situations, like quitting school because of the lack of motivation and/or intelligence, but surprisingly I'm still "in the game". Honestly. having the best girlfriend in the world helps a lot, but there are always things that you have to do alone. There are always things that you have to achieve on your own, and even not even love can help you get past that. Effort is required at those daunting obstacles, but it's not impossible.  Although cliche, what keeps me going is the possibility of leaving an amazing contribution to the world. I have no idea what contribution that is, nor do I have the motivation to do so, but I want to do it. It's more of like a wish, really. I want to say that it's one of the wishes that never come true, but that doesn't make it less of a wish. I think we all have that longing, inherently, or suppressed even, or at least I like to think that we share it, even though most of us deny it by hating everyone else. Maybe it's a part of me that equalizes the concept of success with leaving a contribution to human welfare, or I could even go as far as stating that it's a feeling stemming from my genes, as if my DNA wants to improve things "for the greater good". Maybe the feeling itself is a good trait, but that's just a little too far-fetched. Though I can't deny the feeling no matter what explanation I give to it. In the end. I still think I'm useless to the human race, I mean I'm just another brick in the wall. But aren't we all? I just want to be the best brick as I can, and the funny thing is whether or not you're self-centered or selfless, we're all trying to be the best bricks. Our methods just differ. By a lot. Long story short, I see myself as hopeless, but the truth is I have a lot of hope going on. Just in little bursts when I'm not in my usual self-loathing mood.

   I'm constantly changing, but I'd like to think that I have certain properties that are constant, and I also like to think that they're constant for a good reason, and it's important to remember those things about yourself. Everyone else is a deep chasm of intriguing personalities, but I keep forgetting that I'm not exempt to that fact. They do say that love starts from the self. So if you hate yourself a lot, might as well get to know yourself. Because you're stuck with yourself. Literally forever.

Value

   As usual, tons of shit happened, and all of those jiggled my perspective a little. Only a few weeks have passed but it feels like everything had happened in a span of years. There are some specific details I won't get into, but I hope the idea gets through anyways.

   It's one of those lessons that you need to feel, even if you already see it everyday. I'm pretty sure we perceive it as love or responsibility, but even those things are subjective depending on who you are and what you do. So I guess the word "value" is the one that fits the term for whatever it is I've seen. So let's start with the obvious: we value things or people. Things, if we're being specific, would be in a wide range of things from the basic necessities to abstractions that exist in life, such as food, home, a job, an education, etc. Then there's people, and though there are few that enter this category, they comprise of the many decisions we make in our lives. The obvious people in this category would be your family and friends, and maybe even your special someone. Though they mostly are, or at least hopefully are, good influences in your life, overvaluing them could destroy you. I guess I could've just said "too much love will kill you", but the feeling isn't love at all times. It could go to obsession, liking, yearning, and all of the strata in which "wanting" is the theme. So in order for anything to be in that strata, you have to somewhat value it.

   There comes a time where you value something so much it kills you. You become more than obsessed with it, and it dominates your mind and it kills your heart. But is it always a bad thing? I wish it weren't, but I think we do need it. The opposite of valuing something is becoming apathetic to it. I think it's important to know that even hatred, dislike or whatever form of negative emotion gives a thing its value, and I think the perfect opposite of value, would be feeling nothing for a thing at all. And maybe that's how we gauge love, or like. You love someone by counting how many things that person can possibly make you feel. Just feeling happiness towards a person would not be enough proof that you love that person. You should also feel sad about the person. Anger. Jealousy. A healthy dose of angry. Sometimes disgust. Disappointment. Guilt. Joy. The more factors that you can attribute to something, the more value it has.

   Though being bombarded with all of those feelings is just the first test. The second test would be how you confront how you value things, or how you keep valuing them, and keeping those emotions from burning out. We're probably more comfortable with all the positive things we feel for everything that we value, but when shit hits the fan, we're outta there. Overvaluing things destroys you by simply overloading you with emotions, and trust me, the one that comes out the battle royale of feelings is usually fear. But don't let that scare you (pun), because opting for ignoring everything is always available as a choice, but that's worse than feeling all the sorrow and hate you'd feel when you're overvaluing things, because that's how you make others feel sorrow and hate, which makes overvaluing things look more like a bad habit than an ugly choice. Though I think persevering through the things we don't want to feel towards those things are important. No one wants to feel sad on purpose, but if it's for something important, we'd probably do it. Because it would be easier to bite the bullet when the going gets tough when we have absolutely nothing to lose. It's easier to jeopardize things while everything we do doesn't count. Like how it's okay to fail a test when you know you'll pass because you've done everything to get a passing score. I think that's boring, and it creates a shitty habit of taking things too easy, eventually taking things for granted. It's tempting to fall for the easy route of things. Going auto-pilot, day in, day out, to make things easier and more tolerable. Until we get bored. Until we feel nothing about it. Hating the things you do means there's a desire to change how you live, and loving the things you do helps you discover more about yourself, and maybe even the people around you. But the moment you feel nothing. The moment you feel like nothing matters anymore, that's how you get stuck in the crevasses of circumstance. You eventually work to live, and not live to work. You become a machine. The things you value stay, but the emotions you've once attributed to them are gone. There's only purpose, and no passion. There is drive, but no direction.

   TL;DR: If you're planning a journey with no map whatsoever, that's okay. But don't you dare stop walking. And never forget why you're doing it in the first place. It's one of those things that takes a lifetime to master. Hell, I just learned it yesterday. Good luck.

Nobody Reads The Instructions/ Me 1

   If I were to guess the curse I've been living with for the past 19 or so years, then it would be "learning things the hard way". It's never been easy, or maybe I just make things too hard for myself. Digress.

   I've plugged, and fortunately or unfortunately, I'm back with something new. With a little bit of the old, but hopefully it's something new. Because this something new is pretty weird.

   I've learned something about myself, and I know it's something true because when I told it to myself, I didn't feel any rejection (from myself, what?), like there's no resistance in acknowledging the fact, or facts, even if it's a sad one. There was even a feel of relief, or at least something close to that, when I thought of these things.

   For one, I truly am hopeless. Romantically, at least. I know in myself  that I can't ever muster the courage to start a meaningful, serious, I-am-in-love-with-you conversation with the person I like. I can never make the first move and I don't think I ever will. I place my hopes too high on a person, and I let those expectations drop me, like being kicked off from a skyscraper. I can only hope that the conversations and side comments and texts and chats may someday, somehow, tell you that you're a person that I value greatly, and I never want to lose you, but, lamentable as it is, I know that it will be lost in the form of common banter, and I spiral down into a depression from obsession and infatuation. It eventually ends in never being able to convey my feelings until it's A) Too late, or B) Not the right time, or maybe C) Deciding to bottle them in forever. The good news is I've accepted the fact that I'll probably never have children of my own, or even share my life with someone significant and that thought felt... surprisingly okay. I still have some doubts about all this. This whole conclusion felt alright, but I think it's one of those things that you hope you can change someday, but know in yourself that it's going to stay like this for a while.

   Secondly, I was wrong about knowing the answer, or the question, or whatever to my life. I'm not even walking in circles. I just AM. I think I have all these roads before me, and I'm choosing not to move. I'm just hoping a storm eventually pushes me forcefully towards a destination with a very confusing and chaotic journey. Which is pretty accurate. I'm not even sure what I'm doing is exactly what I want. I'm just being pushed by a greater force and I'm trying to survive. But when you get sucked up by a tornado, there's really nothing you can do to guarantee you'll even survive when you get to where it throws you. You just... contemplate your whole tornado-journey, and when you finally either get thrown into a boulder or land safely in the middle of nowhere, you won't even know where to go next, because you don't even know where you are. My whole life journey is in a tornado.

   The good in all of this? These things are true. That might sound dumb, but it's pretty reassuring when you know your place in things. It actually gives you direction as to what to do in life. It's that instructions booklet you'd check before playing a video game. It kinda sucks that I'm reading mine just now, this far into the game, but at least I know what I'm in for now.

P.S.: Planning to make self-evaluations, hence the title addition. GOOD LUCK TO MEEEeeeee~

The Plug

   So I've been wanting to post for a while now, and as usual, I keep forgetting. But that's not the only reason. It took me a while to realize that I'm not only lazy enough to "forget" to post something new, but I found out it wasn't just pure procrastination, it was also hesitation. I already covered a lot of things that could relate to this situation, and in fact, you could even randomly take 5 posts from this blog and try to guess which one of those 5 posts would fit into my life right now. That's pretty much why I don't post anything new anymore.

    It's not as if I'm not learning anything new though. It's more of like I've learned to self-diagnose and self-medicate myself whenever a problem arises. I don't need the long process of posting it online and eventually reassuring myself "this will pass". The long jeep ride back home is the therapy chair, and I'm my own shrink. I don't get to grieve over my problem anymore; I just instantly get over it by telling myself there are bigger fish to fry. That there's always something better to do than just wallow in self-deprecation, or be envious of every other person in the jeep, regardless of whatever life they lead. I guess I was tired of having to carry something I could just dump right out the moment it's given to me. Maybe this is just an adaptation for surviving college, or maybe I was just fed up with the fact that there's always going to be something weighing me down at any given point in time for the rest of my life. There are plenty of things that I can't just let go of, so I choose to throw the ones I really don't need to care about and accept things that I can't rebel against for the rest of my life, and what startled me the most is that the more I did this, the more things I started to throw away. I'm not really sure if this was the right decision. I've never done this, and I don't feel happier nor sadder about this. I just did. I won't know if I'll regret it or not, since I didn't really feel anything. So I won't know, at least not until it haunts me, or until I've found something to make me regret it.

    To conclude this, I'm probably gonna stop posting. Indefinitely. When I first started out this whole blog thing, I didn't have anyone else to turn to concerning all my human problems. I viewed myself as another cog in the grand machine that is modern society, and being another brick in the wall, I didn't value my own right to self expression in real-life, and I certainly didn't want to tell anyone else about my stupid and insignificant problems, and even if I did, I was sure that no one would give me the solution or the answer I wanted. That prompted me to make a blog. It was like screaming your problems to the void, shouting in a pillow, or bellowing at the top of a cliff near the ocean. There would probably be no one listening, and even if there were, you'd just be dismissed as another madman that's angry at the world he's in. After all that shouting, all that form of release, I had nothing else to shout. My bottle was empty, and stayed empty. There was nothing left to pour out, and even if I had collected enough to pour it back out, it couldn't compare with the cascade of angst and emotions from the time I first made a post, something that was meaningful for whomever stumbled upon it. All I manage was little drops and sprinkles of worry.

    So in a final effort, for the sake of creativity, I'm putting the plug back again. I'm closing the bottle. Maybe after some time, I'll be able to complain about something new, or share something of substance. I'll probably just solve stupid problems on my own, in my head, but hopefully the moment I come back will be the moment I've found change.

    And so my search continues.

Assurance

   I've been hesitating to post anything for a while, especially on the New Years and Christmas, because it was all pretty "meh". It wasn't bad, it was just SO routine. Holidays are becoming routine. That's just sad. But they're still nice. I've been too busy in this January, mostly because of the exams, and also because I'm re-adapting to the lifestyle of having classes nearly daily.

   Happy New Year and Merry Christmas, by the way.

   I got my mojo back. I'm not entirely sure if it's a good thing, but it's better than the blues from the past year. I'm not sure how I got it back, which is dumb, since I should've remembered exactly how to get the feeling back so I can just do it again and reload the my motivation, but I just got it back because of an arbitrary train of thoughts and a more socially-active daily disposition. After finding out that I was out of the dumps, I kept wondering on what to post, and I've been worried because I might just be posting a re-hash of whatever else I've posted in here. In the fear of redundancy, I waited for a bit to add something more. Sadly, I wasn't able to piece it all together, because exams, but I'm gonna give it  a shot.

   In retrospect, all of my posts have been rooted in a single seed of worry.  This is the kind of worry you have for almost anything, a paranoia for everything significant and insignificant. It's that little thing that keeps nagging in your head at every choice, from the questionable choice of clothing you had this morning, to the mind-killing doubt of should-you-or-should-you-not moments in your life. I don't care how carefree or how chill of a person you are, the nagging feeling is there. My problem is that the nagging feeling just dominates most of my days, as if all of my choices and actions are so impacting to my current status quo and possibly my whole future. I know that not all actions are THAT important, but there's always this possibility that I might miss something essential, or that I might do something that would deprive me of something essential. There's a great need for assurance. Something that will scream to me that it's gonna be OK. A little white lie to the heart.

   That's when I also figured out that a feeling becomes true even if it started out as false. It does stem from bad things, like how lying about a certain thing too much will make others believe it to be true, until it becomes common knowledge. The flip side of that is you can lie to yourself to dispel the bad things you feel. It doesn't really take them away permanently, and I assure you, they do comeback. But when they do, they won't have enough space to get cozy in your thoughts. It's been filled with whatever mental attitude you've thought up for yourself, which hopefully is a good attitude.

    I've also been slowly tipping the scales of intro-extroversion. I guess the general advice in conversing is truly legit. We just all have this latent fear of being ostracized or rejection. Which in the end doesn't matter, and I've already talked about this (probably). So if you feel like you're done being introverted, have a go at it. It's actually fun to talk after getting out of your cave once in a while being too alone for a very long time. Other people can also boost your own morale in things. The act of exchanging ideas for even the stupidest things gives off a nice feel. A laugh a day really saves your mood. Just don't overwork yourself.

   I'm in the middle of the exams week at this very moment. I still kind of worry, but thankfully, not to death. Sleepy time!