Assurance

   I've been hesitating to post anything for a while, especially on the New Years and Christmas, because it was all pretty "meh". It wasn't bad, it was just SO routine. Holidays are becoming routine. That's just sad. But they're still nice. I've been too busy in this January, mostly because of the exams, and also because I'm re-adapting to the lifestyle of having classes nearly daily.

   Happy New Year and Merry Christmas, by the way.

   I got my mojo back. I'm not entirely sure if it's a good thing, but it's better than the blues from the past year. I'm not sure how I got it back, which is dumb, since I should've remembered exactly how to get the feeling back so I can just do it again and reload the my motivation, but I just got it back because of an arbitrary train of thoughts and a more socially-active daily disposition. After finding out that I was out of the dumps, I kept wondering on what to post, and I've been worried because I might just be posting a re-hash of whatever else I've posted in here. In the fear of redundancy, I waited for a bit to add something more. Sadly, I wasn't able to piece it all together, because exams, but I'm gonna give it  a shot.

   In retrospect, all of my posts have been rooted in a single seed of worry.  This is the kind of worry you have for almost anything, a paranoia for everything significant and insignificant. It's that little thing that keeps nagging in your head at every choice, from the questionable choice of clothing you had this morning, to the mind-killing doubt of should-you-or-should-you-not moments in your life. I don't care how carefree or how chill of a person you are, the nagging feeling is there. My problem is that the nagging feeling just dominates most of my days, as if all of my choices and actions are so impacting to my current status quo and possibly my whole future. I know that not all actions are THAT important, but there's always this possibility that I might miss something essential, or that I might do something that would deprive me of something essential. There's a great need for assurance. Something that will scream to me that it's gonna be OK. A little white lie to the heart.

   That's when I also figured out that a feeling becomes true even if it started out as false. It does stem from bad things, like how lying about a certain thing too much will make others believe it to be true, until it becomes common knowledge. The flip side of that is you can lie to yourself to dispel the bad things you feel. It doesn't really take them away permanently, and I assure you, they do comeback. But when they do, they won't have enough space to get cozy in your thoughts. It's been filled with whatever mental attitude you've thought up for yourself, which hopefully is a good attitude.

    I've also been slowly tipping the scales of intro-extroversion. I guess the general advice in conversing is truly legit. We just all have this latent fear of being ostracized or rejection. Which in the end doesn't matter, and I've already talked about this (probably). So if you feel like you're done being introverted, have a go at it. It's actually fun to talk after getting out of your cave once in a while being too alone for a very long time. Other people can also boost your own morale in things. The act of exchanging ideas for even the stupidest things gives off a nice feel. A laugh a day really saves your mood. Just don't overwork yourself.

   I'm in the middle of the exams week at this very moment. I still kind of worry, but thankfully, not to death. Sleepy time!