The Plug

   So I've been wanting to post for a while now, and as usual, I keep forgetting. But that's not the only reason. It took me a while to realize that I'm not only lazy enough to "forget" to post something new, but I found out it wasn't just pure procrastination, it was also hesitation. I already covered a lot of things that could relate to this situation, and in fact, you could even randomly take 5 posts from this blog and try to guess which one of those 5 posts would fit into my life right now. That's pretty much why I don't post anything new anymore.

    It's not as if I'm not learning anything new though. It's more of like I've learned to self-diagnose and self-medicate myself whenever a problem arises. I don't need the long process of posting it online and eventually reassuring myself "this will pass". The long jeep ride back home is the therapy chair, and I'm my own shrink. I don't get to grieve over my problem anymore; I just instantly get over it by telling myself there are bigger fish to fry. That there's always something better to do than just wallow in self-deprecation, or be envious of every other person in the jeep, regardless of whatever life they lead. I guess I was tired of having to carry something I could just dump right out the moment it's given to me. Maybe this is just an adaptation for surviving college, or maybe I was just fed up with the fact that there's always going to be something weighing me down at any given point in time for the rest of my life. There are plenty of things that I can't just let go of, so I choose to throw the ones I really don't need to care about and accept things that I can't rebel against for the rest of my life, and what startled me the most is that the more I did this, the more things I started to throw away. I'm not really sure if this was the right decision. I've never done this, and I don't feel happier nor sadder about this. I just did. I won't know if I'll regret it or not, since I didn't really feel anything. So I won't know, at least not until it haunts me, or until I've found something to make me regret it.

    To conclude this, I'm probably gonna stop posting. Indefinitely. When I first started out this whole blog thing, I didn't have anyone else to turn to concerning all my human problems. I viewed myself as another cog in the grand machine that is modern society, and being another brick in the wall, I didn't value my own right to self expression in real-life, and I certainly didn't want to tell anyone else about my stupid and insignificant problems, and even if I did, I was sure that no one would give me the solution or the answer I wanted. That prompted me to make a blog. It was like screaming your problems to the void, shouting in a pillow, or bellowing at the top of a cliff near the ocean. There would probably be no one listening, and even if there were, you'd just be dismissed as another madman that's angry at the world he's in. After all that shouting, all that form of release, I had nothing else to shout. My bottle was empty, and stayed empty. There was nothing left to pour out, and even if I had collected enough to pour it back out, it couldn't compare with the cascade of angst and emotions from the time I first made a post, something that was meaningful for whomever stumbled upon it. All I manage was little drops and sprinkles of worry.

    So in a final effort, for the sake of creativity, I'm putting the plug back again. I'm closing the bottle. Maybe after some time, I'll be able to complain about something new, or share something of substance. I'll probably just solve stupid problems on my own, in my head, but hopefully the moment I come back will be the moment I've found change.

    And so my search continues.