Is

   So having feelings in check really helps in making these. I know what I'm feeling now, but that doesn't mean it isn't a clusterfuck. Regardless, after around 5-ish years of complaining about being a stagnant person, I actually noticed that I've changed, in some aspects that are too shallow to make a significant impact in my cognition, but deep enough to change my perspective of the world. For instance, it isn't awkward as hell to talk to anyone anymore, which is, I guess, mandatory in my future undertakings. Buuuut I'm still lazy as fuck, yet I think that's about to change soon enough. I'm still have this hastiness of a rookie when it comes to any problem big or small, but I have enough experience to predict an outcome coming from other people's decisions (Basically if I'm not doing it, it's probably going to succeed). It's those little changes you never really notice until you take a look at yourself. It's those changes that came along with a decision that probably started with the phrase of "why the hell not" or "I guess it's okay for now". It's an undervalued or unnoticed yet important decision that change you. It's the small first step. It always is.

    On a side note, in 2 weeks I'll be taking the next step in my life, which is med school. I'm excited because I'll get to learn the things I've always wanted to learn, but at the same time, I've always needed to have a mental metaphor of what my next 4 years will be as a medical student. From a cave where even the greatest adventurers fail to succeed at to a pressure cooker where only the tenacious survive, ides kept filling my head so that I knew what kind of emotional burden would sucker-punch my already-violated comfort zone. I guess I also realized, as I was coming up with metaphors that would make me smirk in its irony, that it didn't really matter, as long as I got through it. If I get through it. I know I could get through it, but there's always the "what if I don't". Not because I can't, but because... I can. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure I'll be happy with being a doctor. Recent sayings have been "If you do it for the money, it isn't for you" and now I'm anxious because I have been doing this for the money, for a stable life, if you wanna sugar-coat it. I feel like I've been scammed, because yes MAYBE I'll be rich when all is said and done, but will it be fulfilling for someone like me? The interests  I have in life do not coincide with my chosen profession, so I feel like feeling nervous is completely justified. The only qualms I have is if in my dying breath I'll be able to pull off a genuine smile, that says that I've achieved something, and I'm happy with it. I will surmount the challenges ahead, I can assure that, but will I be happy with it?

    In any case, there's one last thing I've noticed that may be important. I noticed that life is slowly going faster, and not just because I'm getting older, and maybe it's just my brain filtering out the tedious parts of the days gone by, but it really feels like everything is... fleeting. It's the kind of speed that my dad drives in a relatively wide road that makes you hold on to your seat but still manage to break a smile. A very exciting ride that might get you killed, or at least a speeding ticket in the best case scenario. Either way, it's going to be difficult to stop now, so you might as well make the best of the ride.

 

   This is apparently my second post of the year. Times have changed. Or I just got more lazy. Meh.

   I'm finally in medschool, and I'm a little excited, scared, and bored. But at the same time I feel nothing. I guess this is part of growing up, because the feelings of disappointment comes often, though disappointment isn't really the right word for it and disappointment is a strong word for that feeling. It's something like depression but without the crushing pain in the chest or something like optimism dumped with a ton of boredom. To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this, and I think this might be the last blog I write. I honestly had so many ideas for new blogs and new posts but they just remain as ideas. I've lost the creative drive to do anything and I'm not really sure why. I have everything I wanted right now, but I feel empty. I'm not really sure what's missing, but I don't think it's faith or anything of the sort. I guess maybe it's because I don't dream anymore, literally or figuratively. Maybe I've convinced myself that I've sen everything and now I'm in this rut, or maybe I'm just disappointed in myself that there's no more room for any sort of improvement and now I'm just going through the motions without learning anything new, and there's nothing I can do because I don't want to do anything and right now there isn't a need to do anything. Or maybe I'm just reaaallllyyy bored right now and need something fresh.

   Oh well

Sisyphus

   Hi. I'm just checking in for a sec. Then I'm out. Real busy nowadays, and this is possibly the only post I can make for the rest of the school year. Don't worry, I'm probably fine, and I'm (probably) not writing to vent out. I kind of miss this, but I guess there's the element of stress involved, but I'll get over it. We all do. Before I leave and prepare for an onslaught of events and deadlines and quizzes and activities, let me indulge in slapping you with my unused eloquent vocabulary.

  I've been learning to get back up on my feet real quick nowadays. After barely passing exams on the preliminaries, I can literally pep-talk myself into hopefully doing better next time. I guess I'm going to need this quirk for med school, because if pre-med is this frustrating, I cannot wait for what med-school has in store for me. FCKNG BRING IT ON MF'ER. But aside from that, I kind of miss writing. It leaves a nice aftertaste to your emotions after writing something out of any kind of emotion. Be it writing born out of rage, love, happiness, stress, boredom, random epiphanies, awesome quotable line that you can caption on instagram images, or just complete BS. Writing is great. It's like imparting a piece of you to the world. And I kind of regret that I forget tons of awesome lines to type and post, but I digress. If you've already googled the title, or know what it means, then let's go there. Yes, I'm going to talk about problems, but surprisingly, not mine. Well not just mine. Every one's problems. And I guess we all have a rock to roll up for all eternity, be it figuratively and hopefully not literally. It just manifests itself into different forms, but no we're not gonna go into what forms your metaphorical rock takes shape in your own life ('cause if you dig deep enough I've already, more than likely, talked about it), but we're gonna talk about the feeling you get when you see someone rolling up a shittier, bigger rock than yours.

  I don't focus on this topic that much, because, to be honest, when I do, I'll sound preachy, hypocritical, or just out-right pretentious. It's hope. And I hope I don't disappoint with this one (OH GOD).

  Let's go back to Sisyphus. In a way we're all cursed with rolling our stones only to find that the next one we roll up is the exact same thing. Just like how college algebra can suddenly go to differential calculus, your basic problems could become even more complex as you go through it. Sometimes you find a solution, which at the time seems like a better way to cope up with the hardships, but in the long run, you're just gonna encounter another set of problems which may or may not be harder to deal with, but hey, it's still a problem. We all know you can't get rid of the weight you carry on your shoulders, but if it got any lighter at some point, then you have to consider two things: You either got stronger than you were, or you've somehow managed to unload some of the problems at the expense of making it harder for someone else. Check yourself.
 
   Regardless of what it might be, remember that you're not alone. We're all suffering. With that in mind, it gets harder to honestly complain about your own problems, at least for me, because the only problems you're complaining about are yours. But hey I complain a lot about mine, but I try to just whine a lot about it to forget about more quickly, but anyways. The only rock you're pushing up a hill is your own, so you're not entitled to degrade anyone's suffering or make your own suffering a big deal. So basically mind your own business and don't be a cunt. We all have our demons, so don't criticize someone just because yours are harder to conquer or if they fail to beat theirs. We could all be little pieces of sht sometimes, but don't be that kind of sht. We may all be bad, but we try not to be the worst.

  That was all depressing, but hey, this is the preachy part. Now, how about the other way around? Let's say you're one of the few who managed to preserve your speck of hope for humanity, and tried to help out someone in a tighter spot. And the goodness inside you compels you to help. There's nothing wrong about that. And it's perfectly fine. We're a social species. Progress is built on cooperation. But don't lose yourself in others. I'm not advocating selfishness, but I'm reminding you that self-preservation is important. You can't just abandon your own problems to completely invest your efforts in someone else's dilemmas. There are exemptions, of course, but those are off the table for obvious reasons. Like child birth. Or life and death situations. Or pizza. Bottom line: it's always great to offer a helping hand and actually alleviate personal conundrums that other people have on their plate, but be aware that you can also help yourself, and sometimes, that's the best help you could have.

  I have to admit, I'm not used to writing coherent sentences and paragraphs anymore. But whatever.

  Be back in a while