Is

   So having feelings in check really helps in making these. I know what I'm feeling now, but that doesn't mean it isn't a clusterfuck. Regardless, after around 5-ish years of complaining about being a stagnant person, I actually noticed that I've changed, in some aspects that are too shallow to make a significant impact in my cognition, but deep enough to change my perspective of the world. For instance, it isn't awkward as hell to talk to anyone anymore, which is, I guess, mandatory in my future undertakings. Buuuut I'm still lazy as fuck, yet I think that's about to change soon enough. I'm still have this hastiness of a rookie when it comes to any problem big or small, but I have enough experience to predict an outcome coming from other people's decisions (Basically if I'm not doing it, it's probably going to succeed). It's those little changes you never really notice until you take a look at yourself. It's those changes that came along with a decision that probably started with the phrase of "why the hell not" or "I guess it's okay for now". It's an undervalued or unnoticed yet important decision that change you. It's the small first step. It always is.

    On a side note, in 2 weeks I'll be taking the next step in my life, which is med school. I'm excited because I'll get to learn the things I've always wanted to learn, but at the same time, I've always needed to have a mental metaphor of what my next 4 years will be as a medical student. From a cave where even the greatest adventurers fail to succeed at to a pressure cooker where only the tenacious survive, ides kept filling my head so that I knew what kind of emotional burden would sucker-punch my already-violated comfort zone. I guess I also realized, as I was coming up with metaphors that would make me smirk in its irony, that it didn't really matter, as long as I got through it. If I get through it. I know I could get through it, but there's always the "what if I don't". Not because I can't, but because... I can. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure I'll be happy with being a doctor. Recent sayings have been "If you do it for the money, it isn't for you" and now I'm anxious because I have been doing this for the money, for a stable life, if you wanna sugar-coat it. I feel like I've been scammed, because yes MAYBE I'll be rich when all is said and done, but will it be fulfilling for someone like me? The interests  I have in life do not coincide with my chosen profession, so I feel like feeling nervous is completely justified. The only qualms I have is if in my dying breath I'll be able to pull off a genuine smile, that says that I've achieved something, and I'm happy with it. I will surmount the challenges ahead, I can assure that, but will I be happy with it?

    In any case, there's one last thing I've noticed that may be important. I noticed that life is slowly going faster, and not just because I'm getting older, and maybe it's just my brain filtering out the tedious parts of the days gone by, but it really feels like everything is... fleeting. It's the kind of speed that my dad drives in a relatively wide road that makes you hold on to your seat but still manage to break a smile. A very exciting ride that might get you killed, or at least a speeding ticket in the best case scenario. Either way, it's going to be difficult to stop now, so you might as well make the best of the ride.