TFW there isn't really any title good enough to put here so you just go with what you're thinking at the moment

   So I've been meaning to write for the longest time now but I keep putting it off for later (to the nth power) so I didn't update on anything for such a long stretch of time. I guess I took my own saying too seriously, which was "once you write about it, you immortalize it and leave it behind, so I'm NOT gonna do that." But ever since then it's more like I've been holding in more things than I should have. I'm not that stressed about it -- because 1st year Med is already enough to think about -- but let's just say I miss the feeling of catharsis through writing.

   So why write now, right? Well this is my only 2 month summer vacation and my only decent vacation from med school, and of course there's a lot of things I want to put into words before I face the incoming year of medschool; although I'm not confident I can actually articulate it so that it's fully understood because I pretty much write like a high schooler right now. But hey, I'll try.

   Okay before I drop my whole spiel here, some disclaimers: If you take anything I'm about to say at face value, I'm going to look like some asshole with a superiority complex or something, and I'm not, but I assure you I'm going to look like one, but for all intents and purposes I'm just sort of soul-bearing here. And even if it no one can relate to what it feels like, I'm still gonna do it. It's going to seem like I'm rambling, and most of the time I am, and I apologize in advance.

   I actually have no idea how to start this paragraph so let's go with this. Right now I feel no sense of accomplishment in getting through first year of med school. There I said it. I don't mean to say it in a bragging manner, it's more in a disappointing tone, really. I feel like medicine probably won't make me happy, and it isn't even immediately financially rewarding, and it takes 7+ years of your life. They weren't kidding when they said it was more of a calling or a vocation than an actual paying profession, in which I proceeded to blankly stare at my decision in going to med school based on "It's gonna pay really well, you'll be swimming in money". Well yeah I'll be swimming in money, in my 40's, and by that time there'd be no time to spend it and your life will revolve around saving patients 24/7, which is pretty noble, but for a guy like me, that plays video games and has trouble enjoying something for a prolonged period of time, it's pretty disheartening to realize something that I was lead to believe that was fun and noble (and lucrative) could be as dreary as going through high school with a difficulty level ranging from "you'll probably pass" to "absolute hell". I'm not shitting on med school or med students, just so we're clear. It's just the scales, to me, are tipped in a direction that is right in the sweet spot of "This is gonna help me help the world" and "Holy shit I have get the hell out of here", which stresses me out so much because they literally warned my batch that "If you don't like this job, then quit as soon as you can". Anyways, medicine definitely is one of the most respectable and under appreciated professions our there, especially in this country, which is a nice point, but if you take med school and try to mash it with my current habits and overall attitude with education, which is pretty moody making it really bad for med school, then I probably won't make it past 4th year without sacrificing things I love. I mean I could half-ass all of this and get half-assed passing marks, but what kind of doctor would I be if I did everything half-assed? I'd probably give up gaming, which would effectively kill me. Either way, even if I wanted to quit and do things I love, I have a moral obligation to fulfill, which is my parents and siblings not suffering from a heart attack when I say "I don't want to be a doctor anymore". And hey I'm already in it, so why not, I guess. Good lord, I'm already half-assing it. Well technically I'm on a break so...

   Well I digress on my feelings, because now I just got more conflicted than ever before. To be honest, I forgot how to end these things, and I certainly have no clue as to how this little rant-ramble can end on a positive note. I'm kind of fucked haha. But if there's a silver lining to any of this, at least you're all with me on this journey. In spirit, at least. Or physically, if you actually stalked my social media accounts and found yourself into this diary bullshit.

   Oh yeah, I'll probably write on other blogs more frequently for some  w o k e  shit. Alright, bye.