Hey buddy. By now you're probably not having the time of your life. I know. Because I've been there. And let me tell you that you should be having the time of your life, not because I said so, but because if any of the old sayings were right, the only accurate one about life is "It's only going to get harder from here on out". So before I even start to warn you of future mishaps and disappointments, let me at least disappoint you now since retaining any form of childlike wonder for absolutely any realistic expectations is just a burden you'll have to let go as soon as you possibly can, because even thought we're probably not clinically depressed, we're at least nihilistic, or at least we pretend to be.
OK so let's start about the career path, because obviously this is the one choice that directly affects every other probability of any factor in your life, which includes enjoyment, peers, love life, what your family views you as, your own self value, all that jazz. Remember when we thought that "Man they pegged me as a lawyer when I was young, which is great, but I don't think I'm cut out for that. So maybe... Doctor? Yeah it's just science and not memorizing shit right?" FUCKING. WRONG. Well, the rationalization about not memorizing shit is up to debate (Just understand the concepts, hurr durr), but what's incredibly inaccurate about that thought is how comfortable we were with a career that is literally a vocational job where "You gotta be sure about this or else you're not gonna have a good time, despite the money it promises." I know we were jaded about the idea that a job where we can help people and get a comfortable amount of money AND have other people think you're great would be something too good to be true. And it is. We thought this would cure something in us that just felt wrong. Like the your low-key, now my high-key laziness that has been overpowering me these past couple of years. We should've just actually followed that laziness to the end and went for an enjoyable and wholesome career path, but no. I think that even as I right this I can't sway you from the path we chose. Because it felt right, and god damn it still kind of does. But, let me tell you, every day the tiniest piece of me dies. I wish everyday I was in your shoes just not to be here. And I know everyone says that the pay off is incredible in the end (and yes, that's what you're probably still thinking as you hypothetically read this. AND it's the main reason why you probably won't be persuaded by your future self) BUT I miss you and who I was before this dumb, competitive, pretty bull shit career path. It's that bad. Remember that our main argument was "We're pretty above average in intelligence we can probably handle this" and "We probably can't fail anything, not that we're bragging, but we can probably do this". Let me just say that, yeah I guess that's both true to some extent, but also fuck that, because you know what else we didn't consider? OUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. We have this mild inferiority complex, and that we're already stressed enough about moving back to the Philippines after finally getting comfortable in Brazil (AND I need you to stop thinking that the Philippines is so much better than Brazil. It's really not. If we could take our family to Brazil and live there peacefully, I would do it). Those stressors we have are minor at where/when you're at, but man, does it get heavier over time. We never really learn anything that removes our own insecurities, at least I sure as hell didn't. It doesn't matter which counselor, psychiatrist, or doctor it will be that says that things get better and you will overcome your weaknesses and fears as you grow older. You don't. I don't. And it eats me up inside because I was waiting for a grand revelation that I'm a shit lord and I should do better. And it never comes and we both know that we can't convince ourselves to improve for shit, so I'm sorry, pal. We're kind of fucked in that department. Plus, shitty career path. We should've just went IT or just went to Ateneo, UST, or even studied a little more for UP. You probably don't know what those are but let me warn you that our mother will insist in a college very near to our house, because you know how she gets and you know how you just let her decide for you. If she ever decides on something as big as which college to pick, I beg you to take the reins and decide for yourself. Because, if you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm emotionally and psychologically miserable right now. So please. Don't make the same mistake. Just be mentally present for this one choice in our life.
Well, I did mention that career path will affect everything, so before I break it down for you, and I mean that negatively, here are the things that I actually am grateful for. First off, you might think that you have the worst family yet. Well you're wrong. They're not the best, but they're all you have, and by all means, that's the best you'll get. Right now, they're the one of the things that actually keep me going, believe me or not. I know we've been dissing the rebellious phase of adolescence, but trust me it happens to even us. I know, right? It's pathetic, and I regret the things I've said, and what you'll say in the probably future. We're not suicidal, by any means, but if we will never come close because of our family. I'm as shocked as you if you're reading this, and probably going to wonder who the hell coaxed me into saying this cheesy shit, but if it's one thing the movies and cartoons get right, it's family. They'll be there when you really REALLY need them. Just trust me on that one. Oh and uh... Peers. Friends and colleagues. I think no matter what we do, we're bound to meet great people. People that support us or inspire us are there. Don't think about that "real friends" bullshit so much. Just be glad to meet people at all. ALSO, and this may come to you as a surprise, but we're not really that introverted. We just had to meet the right people. I'd say from our 80% introverted-ness, we're probably only around 55%. I know. Shocking. But yeah, the people I know right now are great. As for love life, HELL YEAH BRO. Well it's not what we we're dreaming of ever having. It's not better, but it's just different. It makes you happy in different ways. The movies and cartoons and shows are all bullshit in this regard. It's different for everyone, and that includes us. We're blessed to have met her, and yes it's a her. But to be perfectly honest, if I could be in your shoes now, I would cherish everything the single life had to offer, because I never did capitalize on that after learning that we're not really wallflowers or fully introverted shy-shits. I'm not saying I regret being in a relationship, but I regret the things I could've done when I didn't have a fully committed one, and no I'm not implying cheating or dating multiple women or anything of the sort. I'm talking about appreciating myself more, and what truly makes us happy, genuinely, without the need of romantic affection. Something we genuinely love just by ourselves. I'm sorry, I've never found it, and I probably will have a hard time even finding it now. But that's my regret that I can never get over if it still hasn't been resolved on my death bed. And another thing: No matter how ready you think we are for any kind of commitment, we're really not. Let's face it, we just really want someone to give our affection to without rejection being thrown back. And maybe it was the environment we were in for the longest time, but getting someone to pour all that unrequited feelings towards isn't the solution. We're not ready to be mature enough for all of this shit, even if we thought highly of ourselves like "I'll be a gentleman" or be a "perfect boyfriend". I'm not. You're probably not either. And yes I am downplaying our ability to be decent partners, because even we can't get that right. The Dunning-Kruger Effect got us buddy. Look it up. We fucked up. I'm sorry to my current girlfriend that I cannot deliver what I thought I could always deliver, and I'm sorry that I'm such a mess. To me, in the past, just don't strive for anyone. No matter who it is, and no matter how appealing the thought of being with someone is. Don't do it. Please just focus on finding what makes us truly happy without the need of someone else. Without the need of companionship that was deprived of us in an emotional and psychological level that we desperately and blindly sought. Focus on finding we can enjoy just by ourselves. Something that will instill actual, non-social media bullshitted self-love. Please, don't chase anyone out of love or, even worse, infatuation. Let's learn to be happy first. Do it for me. For us.
As we speak, I need to study for exams and make 2 more papers. Yeah, medicine is a shitty path. If I chose any other path, I could be working anywhere else right now. I'm so tired. You'll eventually feel this too if you don't change your mind. I know you have that drive to maybe, one day, unrealistically change the world. I still do, thought it's smaller now, and without the shades of childhood innocence, it's unrealistic to wish for something like that. I apologize again, that I became such a jaded adult. Something we both promised we'd never become. I've lost something we valued so much in our younger selves: Enthusiasm. I've never got it back after going through college. High school will forever be the highlight of my life, and that's a sad thought, because it ever got better after that. At least you have that to look up to. But after that there really isn't much if you follow my foot steps. I'm sorry, pal. I really am. I'm as disappointed as you. I never got to really uphold what we valued the most, because I got lost in the moment and I never paused for myself. I've processed like meat in a factory and stuffed in a can. Whatever ideals I ever upheld are now gone and deemed irrelevant in the face of deadlines, grades, schedules, expectations, and societal pressure. I really am pouring my heart out for a letter that nobody else will really read but me in the future.
Man, that's depressing. I'm going to take a nap now before I review lessons and do papers. If you ever, by some miracle, read this, young me, just know that I didn't even have a chance to try, and that any path you take is probably going to be difficult anyway. So just choose happiness. Don't try to please anyone's expectations. Let's just look out for what we really want. Don't follow me, because I'm miserable as shit right now. Be more active in the choices that involve you and your future. Please. Lastly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can never be a version of you that is actually happy with being a doctor. I'm sorry I lost all hope, all wonder, and all motivation. I'm sorry I'm writing a letter like this to you. And I'm sorry we never got to find out what truly makes us unconditionally happy without relying on our friends and relationships. I'm sorry. And good luck to you.
